Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.

–Supreme Court Building

Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.

–Coffee Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!

–F Train

Overheard by: Staying on the F

Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.

–School, Lower Manhattan

Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?

–Columbus Circle

Posted on July 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Columbia University, Conductors, Directions, Family Ties, Girls, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Internet, Lawsuits, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday How Many Liners?

Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany?

–Barracuda

Overheard by: barkeeper

Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here

Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday?

–N Train

Overheard by: D-Law

Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people?

–ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: jennyooooo

Student: Is Swedish even a language?

–Columbia University

Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both?

–M86 Crosstown Bus

Posted on July 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Bus, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Columbia, Columbia University, Conductors, Family Ties, Flight Attendants, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Insults, Languages, Latinos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Race, Religion, Students, Stupidity, Time, Wednesday One-Liners

And Now This Greek Chorus Follows Me Everywhere, Prophesying Doom

Bro #1: Well, did you know she was your cousin before you had sex with her?
Bro #2 (obviously upset): No!

–Fordham University

Posted on July 16, 2015
Family Ties, Fordham, Guys, Incest, Questions

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Posted on July 15, 2015
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Crime and Punishment, Erections, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Heat, Murder, One-liners, Penis, Robbing the Cradle, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Promoting Sexy Racist Stereotypes: the Women

Hispanic girl: …yeah, I like that, it’s cool, but do they have it in a 16?
White girl: I think they only have 12s and 6s left.
Hispanic girl: Well, I’m not really a 16. It’s just this huge ass I have here. If you don’t count that, I’m a 12.

–Old Navy, Chelsea

Girl #1: I didn’t ask to be born.
Girl #2: Yeah, I didn’t ask our parents to be born into this cold, hard, cruel world.
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: On top of everything I had to be born black too, and a woman!
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: …but I was born light-skinned and have a big ass!

–Matsuri, Chelsea

Overheard by: Tamika J.

Posted on July 13, 2015
Ass, Beauty, Body Parts, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Family Ties, Fat People, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Parents, Race

…Was It Someone Famous?

Gay guy: Where are we going?
Straight girl: Nowhere Bar. Have you been there before?
Gay guy: I don't think so. Oh no! Wait! Someone blew me there in college!
Straight girl: For the last effing time, I do not need to hear these things about my big brother!

–F Train

Posted on July 13, 2015
Family Ties, Girls, Hook Ups, On the Subway, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Weirdness

Why Do You Think I See Dr. Milstein Twice a Week?

Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn’t know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?

–4 train

Posted on July 12, 2015
Boys, Dads, Family Ties, Kids, On the Subway

Beats Waking Up in Jersey

Girl #1: Her brother died.
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: Yeah, they found his body in the Hudson last week.

–Chipotle, 8th St

Overheard by: Michelle

Headline by: Dewar Di

Runners-Up:
· “His Head Was in the East, Though” – Jenny M
· “It Took A Week To Negotiate With The Fisherman For The Body” – Trey Jackson
· “Oh, That Kind Of Dead” – Josh
· “Wow. Are You Getting Extra Guacamole?” – ty

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 10, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Death, Family Ties, Girls, Headline Contest Winners

Tonight's Movie: Big Poopy in Little Minor

Mom to two-year-old: So did we have a little poopy accident or a big poopy accident?
Two-year-old, squealing in disgust: Eeeeeew!
Mom: I guess that answers my question.

–53rd & 8th

Overheard by: Jen

Posted on July 10, 2015
Accidents, Family Ties, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Poop, Questions, Should've Used a Condom

Wednesday One-Liners Will Swallow for Diamonds

Mother to five-year-old daughter: That's why she's a very smart woman. She married a very rich man for exactly that reason.

–University Place &10th St

Overheard by: evanescent

Homeless man to little boy with parents: Ask your mama why she marry your daddy. She'll tell you it was for the money.

–Statue of Liberty

Sorority girl to another: So like, do you think Brad makes good investments?

–53rd & 1st

Asian girl on cell: It's like I have a sign that says "trophy wife" written across my forehead, and then they find out I'm 22 and the sign is suddenly in neon.

–Tribeca

Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.

–NYU Classroom

Posted on July 6, 2015
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Classroom, Families, Family Ties, Girls, Hobos, Kids, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Prostitution, Questions, Sorority Girls, Street, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Family Ties