Gay guy: Where are we going?
Straight girl: Nowhere Bar. Have you been there before?
Gay guy: I don't think so. Oh no! Wait! Someone blew me there in college!
Straight girl: For the last effing time, I do not need to hear these things about my big brother!
–F Train
Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn’t know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?
–4 train
Girl #1: Her brother died.
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: Yeah, they found his body in the Hudson last week.
–Chipotle, 8th St
Overheard by: Michelle
Headline by: Dewar Di
Runners-Up:
· “His Head Was in the East, Though” – Jenny M
· “It Took A Week To Negotiate With The Fisherman For The Body” – Trey Jackson
· “Oh, That Kind Of Dead” – Josh
· “Wow. Are You Getting Extra Guacamole?” – ty
Mom to two-year-old: So did we have a little poopy accident or a big poopy accident?
Two-year-old, squealing in disgust: Eeeeeew!
Mom: I guess that answers my question.
–53rd & 8th
Overheard by: Jen
Mother to five-year-old daughter: That's why she's a very smart woman. She married a very rich man for exactly that reason.
–University Place &10th St
Overheard by: evanescent
Homeless man to little boy with parents: Ask your mama why she marry your daddy. She'll tell you it was for the money.
–Statue of Liberty
Sorority girl to another: So like, do you think Brad makes good investments?
–53rd & 1st
Asian girl on cell: It's like I have a sign that says "trophy wife" written across my forehead, and then they find out I'm 22 and the sign is suddenly in neon.
–Tribeca
Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.
–NYU Classroom
Adult friend: Your mommy just had a baby! How is Jack* doing? Does he have a lot of bottles?
Little girl: No, just boobies.
–Economy Candy, Lower East Side
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we’ll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they’ll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it’s not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What’s 50 minus 50?…I went to Syracuse University, I’m a college educated person, and I’m still confused. Is it free?
–Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Girl to guy friend: Ohmigod, I accidentally walked in on my mom while she was doing it last night!
Guy: Super nasty. I'd hate to see that.
Girl: Actually, mom was holding it down. I think I could learn some moves from her.
Guy: What? How long did you watch?
Girl: It was nothing, like ten minutes.
–33rd St & Lexington
Overheard by: tinydancer
50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.
–PATH
Overheard by: Joe H.
Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don't know, somewhere in the Bronx. He was strangled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that's why I forgot to send you the invitation for the whatchacallit, the funeral.
–Rivington & Attorney
Overheard by: I wasn't invited either
Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his funeral just to spit in his face!
–West Bank Cafe
60-something woman to another: So I'm glad I didn't go to his fucking bitch sister's funeral. But now he's mad.
–Central Park
20-something guy on cell: Just 'cause I did meth with his daughter doesn't mean I'm going to go to his funeral!
–7th Ave Subway Entrance
Woman #1: You know, when I remember my childhood, I realize that my family was really complicated; my father and uncle were always fighting… Actually, my uncle tried to shoot my father once –
Woman #2: Wait, what?
Woman #1: Listen, that’s not the complicated part.
–Westside Brewery, Upper West Side
Overheard by: vitupera
