Fears

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

It’s Like They Act Hardcore, But Aren’t

Father, trying to drag young son into store: Come on! What’s the matter?
Son: The people in there are scary!

–Outisde Hot Topic

Overheard by: Penny Lane

Also, in a Real Glacier Walk, You Can Only Move a Few Inches a Year

Suit #1: Paul and I just came back from Alaska.
Suit #2: Did you do the glacier walk?
Suit #1: Paul did. He took three steps and then came back in.
Suit #2: Only three steps?
Suit #1: Well, it’s icy.

–Javits Center

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Porcupine Quills

Woman on crowded train: They’re gonna make me eat the pole.

–E train

Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to

Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren’t, you better get off of me!

–Crowded Q27 bus

Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!

–C train

Overheard by: Maggie

Bus driver: Move it back, people, it’s crowded. It’s gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say — ‘If it’s tight, it’s alright.’

–10th St & Ave D

Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.

–F train, Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Warning to All Swimmers: Today’s Riptide is Supersonic

Loud girl #1: I lost my sandals at the beach!
Loud girl #2: Oh my God, now it’s probably floating somewhere in the Pacific Ocean!

–Bay Terrace Shopping Center, Queens

Overheard by: doesn’t anybody pay attention in global anymo

I’m Also Afraid of Air and Carbon

Girl: I’m afraid of water.
Dude #1: I don’t get that. I mean, aren’t we all like 70 percent water or something? Or wait, is that only some people?
Dude #2: She’s talking about being afraid of the ocean, not drinking water.
Dude #1: Ohhh.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: standing in front of them, unfortunately

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

There Are Black People in Connecticut?

White boy: I’d never be intimidated by the black people in Connecticut after spending a few days here.
White girl: You think the black people here are intimidating?
White boy: Like, I’d walk up to a couple black guys at home after being here and just be like, ‘Excuse me,’ if they were standing in my way.

–Lafayette & Claussen

Aren’t Public Speaking and Death in There Somewhere?

30-ish man: I’m getting fat and going bald. These are the number one and number two things that men fear.
30-ish lady: What about impotence and gay?
30-ish man: Okay, then — numbers three and four.

–70th & Broadway

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