Wednesday One-Liners Done a Bad, Bad Thing

Woman on cell: I don’t know if my horoscope is about my husband or my boyfriend.

–19th St & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Jenny

Guy on cell: If I fuck another woman in the ass, that’s not, like, really cheating, is it? I mean, it’s just her ass. Shit comes out of there. It’s less personal than the twat… You don’t think so?

–Court St, Boro Hall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Chick on cell: How do I hide a hickey? I’m hiding it from my boyfriend… No, it’s not from him… No, not from him either… I’ll tell you later, I promise… Yes, I know I have a problem — it is big and red and on my neck and I do not need lectures right now. I need to figure out if I am ‘Creamy Ivory’ or ‘Tawny Honey’!

–Rite-Aid, 40th St & Broadway

Ghetto girl to boyfriend: It’s not cheating — they’re in entertainment.

–63rd & Amsterdam

Old Irish guy: That’s why Jesus died for our sins, ’cause he knew we’d be out with other women.

–Midtown Union Bar, 44th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Danny Lynch

Business chick: So, then, I really don’t consider it cheating, because it happened before the whole Santa thing.

–49th & Broadway

Overheard by: what the hell is going on??

Guy on phone: Look, I know she was my girlfriend when we were in high school… Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been 20 years — of course people change… Two kids ain’t that bad… I know she married, but you don’t get it — she does yoga. Have you ever banged a chick that’s done yoga? Look, man, she does the handstand thing… I know I’m going to hell… Or her husband will catch us first. Haha, do you really think anyone is listening to this shit? No. And if they are, who the hell are they going to tell?

–7 train

Posted on January 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ghetto Chicks, Infidelity, Old People, On Cell

He Also Blew the Whistle on Big Tobacco

Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I’m such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I’m on the Upper East Side and —
Black guy yelling: No, you ain’t! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: –Sorry. I’m on the Upper East Side and I don’t have time to go downtown right now.

–Union Square

Posted on January 20, 2015
Black People, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Lies, NYC Geography, On Cell, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners

Crazy man: Now, you probably don’t know this, but most of y’all have diabetes.

–1 train

Overheard by: bildita

Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: … What’s your sick policy? I was like, ‘Stay the fuck away from me, and don’t get me sick — that’s our sick policy!’

–13th & University

Overheard by: Dave D

Chick: I’da killed him if it wasn’t for that damn leukemia.

–9th & Smith St station

Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?

–17th & 6th

Girl on cell: I’m like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you’re clear, and then I come back and take over your body.

–33rd & 30th, Astoria

Overheard by: brigid

Posted on January 19, 2015
Ass, Astoria, Cancer, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Default, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, The Village, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Take Advantage Of Medicare While They Still Can

Blonde on cell: So it was either an ambulance or a taqueria.

–Times Square

Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hospital. Go to the hospital! Please. Why? Because when you get stabbed you go to the hospital, you don’t go and lay down.

–Jersey Transit

Thug, in a rush: Look, I don’t give a fuck! I just want Medicaid!

–13th & 3rd

Disgruntled male gynecologist: We’re the bastard stepchildren of the surgery world. General surgeons barely think we’re human. "Oh, don’t get up, it’s just a gynecologist." I could have been a general surgeon, a plastic surgeon, a dentist, a lawyer… I’d be making more money, too. My brother’s cat needed a caesarian section and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a caesarian section!

–Gynecology Office, 32nd & Madison

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and needed to go to the doctor’s! I can’t even swallow! I tried food, water and liquids!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ross

Chick in scrubs (lighting cigarette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won’t go down!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Posted on January 19, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Doctors, Fears, Girls, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Jobs & Careers, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Smokers & Smoking, Stab, Stupidity, Thugs, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Wishes & desires

Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

Posted on January 18, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Cum, Drunks, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Hobos, Library, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Science, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Nader… Not!

Sorority chick leaving a democratic rally where hillary clinton spoke: God, they all sounded so political!

–Wagner College

5 year-old boy (to his mother): Is it true that obama's going to raise taxes?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Woman on cell: I'm trying to find joe sixpack. (pause) no, I don't know joe sixpack.

–98th & Broadway

Several middle-aged, wealthy #40 something upper east side ladies at the dinner table next to us at a french restaurant, discussing politics. The last point on sarah palin: "her hair's fine, her glasses are fine, her clothes are ok but I'm sorry, she's a fucking loser."

–Jacques Brasserie — Upper East Side

Overheard by: Lindsey Miller

Drunk girl: "if lil' wayne was president, things would be running much more smoothly."

–E Houston St & Lafayette St,

Overheard by: Teddy

"my cousin said that obama is the antichrist."
(pause).
"that's mad rude, right?"

–M66

Overheard by: Charley

Posted on January 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bus, Clothing, College, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Girls, Government, Hair, Insults, Kids, Moms, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Politics, President, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Soho, Sorority Girls, Street, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-liners Are Locked & Loaded

Guy on cell: Bitch, you aren’t coming out?…I haven’t been home in a year and a half, get your ass out here!…What? I nearly died! I was shot! Twice!

–43rd & Broadway

Posted on January 17, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence

Wednesday One-liners Got It in Pearl

Guy: I mean, eating your own cum is one thing, but eating it on a pizza four hours later? I should probably keep my voice down…

–43rd & 8th

Posted on January 16, 2015
Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Getting Off, Manhattan, Masturbation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pizza, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-liners, Cell Phones

Big black woman: …and they had a white one and a black one, and the white one was 45.99 and the black one was 52.99, so I bought the black one. Cause it was black…

–Best Buy, 23rd St.

Overheard by: Trouble

Guy on cell: Oh yeah? Well, check this out: I don’t care that I’m not invited to your wedding, because you’re fired!

–West 94th St & Amsterdam