Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Posted on November 9, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Dating, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Harassment, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, Robbing the Cradle, School, Store, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Then Wouldn’t Wang Be Exactly Your Sort of Thing?

Queer Sales Associate, at promotion for Vera Wang Princess perfume: Are you a princess?
Girl: No
Queer Sales Associate: Then what are you?
Girl: A sex goddess, bitch.

–1st Floor, Macy’s

Overheard by: Isabelle

Posted on November 7, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Default, Girls, Insults, Queer guys, Questions, Religion, Sex, Store

Like Snowflakes, No Two Wednesday One-Liners Are Identical

Loud chick to male companion: And she sings when she orgasms! Like, "a-a-a-a-aaaah!" and "e-e-e-e-eeeeeee!"

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Man outside Starbucks: Dude! I gave Sharon an orgasm over the phone last night. (laughs)

–Starbucks, 14th St

Overheard by: Elizabel

Subway musician: Y'all better be good 'cause Santa Claus only comes once a year. But that's between him and Mrs. Claus.

–W 4th St Subway Platform

Young man on cell: It looks like a 42-inch orgasm.

–Posman Books, Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: ant

Hot chick to another: You're like the Mother Teresa of orgasms!

–1020 Bar, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chuck Bass

Posted on October 31, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Christianity, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Grand Central, Height, Laughter, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Singing, Starbucks, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Train Station, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

Posted on October 31, 2014
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, At the Airport, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fashionistas, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Madison Square Garden, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Panhandling, Penn Station, Questions, Rich people, Security Guards, Store, Street, Students, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Still Giggle When They Say “Stimulus Package”

Mother to preschool-aged child: That's the New York Stock Exchange. That's where we lose all our money.

–Outside NYSE

Overheard by: Angel

Man to four-shoe-pair-buying wife: It's people like you who confuse the economists.

–Macy's

Toll booth operator to chick in car during rush hour: So, what's your take on the economy these days?

–Verrazano Bridge

Young dudes, watching suits take Queens train at 9 am: Oooh! They got fired.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Only in Brooklyn

Posted on October 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Clerks, Couples, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Store, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners

Eh, That Could Mean Anything.

Fat woman #1: Listen! I am telling you that that bitch stole my cat! I am absolutely positive that she mothafuckin' stole my cat!
Fat woman #2: Girl, she probably did, she's crazy. What made you so damn convinced that she did it?
Fat woman #1: Because I got a mothafuckin' text message from her sayin', “meow.”

–Liquor Store, Brooklyn

Posted on October 29, 2014
Brooklyn, Cell Phone, Fat People, Gay Man's Best Friend, Insults, Nicknames & name calling, Questions, Store, Thievery

Wednesday, Are You Fucking Kidding Me With These One-Liners?

Fat chick to cute friend's blind date: So, wait, is Jean Garafolo a man or a woman?

–Tribeca

Overheard by: Becka Dash

20-something blonde girl: Is there an English word for "quesadilla"?

–F Train

Checkout lady, pausing with a container of hummus after scanning it: Lots of people buy this stuff…what is it?

–Myrtle St

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Woman entering RadioShack: Excuse me, do you have radios?

–RadioShack, 72nd & Broadway

B9 bus driver to passengers: Make a left here?

–B9 Bus

Overheard by: VeganBeauty

Posted on October 29, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Clerks, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Languages, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, Sexuality, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Ninja-Mom’s Been Known to Kill Other Women with Her Credit Card

Son, about mom on Black Friday: Did you see Mom’s eyes?
Father: Crazy.
Son: I tried talking to her, and she didn’t say anything back…
Father: I know. She’s in the zone. I think we lost her.

–Century 21

Overheard by: You Can Awesome

Posted on October 28, 2014
Dads, Kids, Shopping, Store

Or Some Sort Of Art Installation?

Woman buying camping equipment: Hi, I was wondering if you have any sleeping bags.
Clerk: Um, this is New York, we're not so big on camping. Is this for a photo shoot?

–Army Surplus Store

Posted on October 28, 2014
Business and Commerce, Clerks, Holidays, Pictures, Store, Women

…You Dutchbag.

Black guy: And lemme get two Dutches…
Store clerk: (puts them on the counter)
Black guy: And lemme also get that … that female Dutch.
Store clerk: (looks confused)
Black guy: You know, man, that female Dutch. You know what I'm talkin bout, man.
Store clerk, pointing to various items: This one? This one?
Black guy: Nah, man, you know, that female Dutch! For the pussy, man! For the pussy!
Store clerk: (takes down a douche) This one?
Black guy: Yeah, yeah! See? You knew what I was talkin bout!

–130th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on October 27, 2014
Black People, Clerks, Foreigners, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Offers and requests, Shopping, Store, Vagina