Teen guy #1: It's the middle of the night and your house is completely on fire. What do you do?
Teen guy #2: Uh… Sleep?
–Stuyvesant High School
Teen guy #1: It's the middle of the night and your house is completely on fire. What do you do?
Teen guy #2: Uh… Sleep?
–Stuyvesant High School
Cosmetology teacher: We do not do sterilization in this class. That is what they do in a medical lavatory.
–Cosmetology Class, Astoria
Overheard by: Kelsey
Fat black teen shoving past white couple: I like how they ain't know how a say "excuse me."
–Wilson ave, Bushwick
Xerox repairman on cell: Yo, you sound like John Lecoozigamo! He's a comedian. Le-cooz-I-ga-mo.
–132nd St & Cypress
Overheard by: office drone
Middle-aged mother with thick Staten Island accent on cell: Ronny, where are you?! We are standing outside and we are freezing the children!
–New York City Transit Museum, Brooklyn
Indignant thug to thugette: I told her we wasn't together. How did she know I'm with you? Did you tell her differentwise?
–Q20 Bus
Overheard by: Liza
Older black man to younger black man: Yeah, cause you don't need to say you're from the Jers to pick up chicks, they ain't like that here, son. I mean, if she's mad hot then you can clue her in that you're from Jersey, but only if you think she can appreciate your flow…
–Lafayette & St. James
Frat boy crossing street: Butthole in New Jersey.
–Flatbush Ave & 7th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hunter
Stoned-looking teen to friend: Are you from New Jersey? Maybe you told me, but I can just, like, sense it…
–Union Square
Overheard by: wgoddessw
Guy to friend: Yeah, man, I was watching that show Jersey Shore the other night… Makes me glad I live on Long Island.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Fistpump like a champ
Stressed film major: You are going to give me that fucking power chord. Then I'm going to punch you in the vag. Then you're coming to New Jersey with me.
–Tisch School of the Arts
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom.
–11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Alex
Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms.
–Dining Hall, NYU
Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel!
–Times Square
Overheard by: not another tourist
15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed!
–74 Bus, Staten Island
Philosophical teen #1: Don't count your eggs before they hatch…
Philosophical teen #2: When should I count them?
Philosophical teen #1: Exactly.
Suit, passing: You're an idiot.
–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
Teenage boy: Hey, didn't we buy the US for, like, seven dollars?
Teenage girl: No, we actually fought something called the Revolutionary War to get the US.
Teenage boy: Are you sure? I swear we bought the US for seven dollars!
–Horace Mann School
Teenage girl: I'm so happy! Nick* friended me on Facebook!
Teenage boy: That's because he was high.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Middle aged lawyer #1, reading newspaper: Childhood obesity is an epidemic? America is the only country where poor people are fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Cheap food is fattening.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Maybe so, but if they're fat, they can't be starving, right? Nobody ever starved to death while they were fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: The reason they're fat is that they can't afford to eat healthy. Your comment is shockingly racist, hateful and ignorant.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Oh, now being fat is a race issue? Ever been to Disney World? They have white people there who could cause an eclipse.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Our agricultural policy encourages the poor to eat cheap, unhealthy calories. A Big Mac might make you full, but it also makes you fat!
Middle aged lawyer #1: McDonald's sells salads too, ya know. Who's forcing the poor to order Big Macs? Or to eat twelve of them?
Middle aged lawyer #2: If you believe you're correct, why don't you try living on a restricted budget and food stamps?
Middle aged lawyer #1: If my budget was so restricted, I might stop at the first Big Mac instead of ordering a dozen. And nice way to divert from the issue, which is that America's poor are obviously not starving.
Female court reporter: That's right. It's the middle class that's starving because they're not getting government checks and food stamps.
Middle aged lawyer #2, with air of condescension, shaking head: How compassionate of you.
Middle aged lawyer #1: I'm very compassionate. I'm just not an enabler. I'm making a simple logical argument: fat people are not starving.
Middle aged lawyer #2, shaking head: Mere words do you no justice.
(the door to the room opens, and in comes the witness, an obese black teenager holding a McDonald's bag. The smell of french fries fills the room).
Middle aged lawyer #1: Were you listening outside the door?
Confused teen: No.
–Court Reporting Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Teen #1: Yo, she said she was gonna break up with me 'cuz I didn't sleep with her that night.
Teen #2: So, you broke up?
Teen #1: Nah. I'm going to her place after school tomorrow.
Teen #2: I can't believe you didn't hit that.
Teen #3: Yo, even Patton had to retreat before he took Berlin.
(silence)
Teen #1: Dude… What the fuck?
–Montague Street, Brooklyn
Teenage delinquent #1: We shoulda gone to the pier. There's gay people at the pier.
Teenage delinquent #2: There's gay people at the pier?! Shit! I wanna see some gay people.
–Washington Square Park
