Union Square and East Village

It Takes a Lot of Effort To Make Wednesday One-Liners Look This Good

Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.

–1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I’m way too pretty to be homeless.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Dara

Middle-aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I’m pretty… I’m pretty… I’m pretty

–59th St Subway Station

Overheard by: nickporjr

Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]Bum: Feel better, pretty.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Middle-aged, Chelsea-fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was…

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sean

Middle-aged man: You know who was good-looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!

–104th & West End

Overheard by: communist!

Read My Lips, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: No I'm not bringing anything, this is not a date, it's 10 o'clock on a Friday night. I'm bringing my vagina, that's what I'm bringing.

–Court St & 2nd Place

Girl on cell: I mean, there's nothing obviously wrong with my vagina!

–23rd & 7th

Girl on bike: I feel like I've had a pencil up my vagina for 10 hours!

–Hudson River Bike Path

Distraught NYU student: I'm covered in vaginal cream.

–NYU Dorm, Union Square

Overheard by: Erica Fuld

Hurried young guy on cell: Well, you can't just sniff anyone's vagina!

–W 52nd b/w 9th & 10th Ave

Gay on phone: But what does her vag look like?

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Liz

A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it's the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I'm not fishiverous!

–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria

Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?

–28th & 7th

Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: camillo cavour

Man to wife: That's too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.

–East Village

Gallagher’s Later Work Is a Lot More Thoughtful

Hipster chick: So you’re saying don’t hate avocados?
Hipster guy: No, no. I don’t hate the avocados just for being avocados. I would never smash an avocado. I just want them to make up their minds. They need to decide.
Hipster chick: Good to know.

–San Loco, 2nd Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing

Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.

–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St

Overheard by: dlr

Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.

–E Train

Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.

–E 14th St

Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.

–NYS Psychiatric Institute

Overheard by: nonrandomerror

Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season -you could tell.

–Oriental Garden

Tonight's Movie: Charlie and the Chocolate Martini

Girl on cell: Dude, drunk chocolate is the best!
Random man passing by: Yes, it is.

–Union Square

People Here Are Way Too Busy Being Hip

Drunk guy #1, to buddies: Hey, fuckheads! It's this way!
Drunk guy #2: Man, we totally almost just died.
Drunk guy #1: Dude, no one is gonna to kill you here. We're in the East Village.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: JD

What About Ciara Mist?

Whole Foods employee #1: Yo man, do you know if we have any Kanye pepper?
Whole Foods employee #2: Nah, I think we’re out.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Darling Pinky

His Dentist Was a Garbage Pail Kid

Dude #1: I didn’t brush my tongue this morning.
Dude #2: Yeah, I didn’t have a cigarette.
Dude #1: No, I saw a sign that said, “Have you brushed your tongue today?”
Dude #3: No, you just have to go to the bathroom and throw up a little and then you’ll be all set.

–Union Square

Overheard by: tanechka

When I Finally Have Sex, I’d Like It to Be with a Woman Who’s All Three

Chick: So, explain the difference to me.
Guy: ‘Cute’ is, like, the girl next door, ‘hot’ is, like, ‘I want to take her home right now!’ and ‘beautiful’ is, like, classic.
Chick: So, can a woman be all three?
Guy: In very rare situations…

–7th St, between 1st & 2nd Ave

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