A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.

–23rd St

Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.

–LIRR

Overheard by: PW rider

NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Katherine

Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?

–F Train

Overheard by: Jasper johnson

Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: brutal commuter

Posted on August 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Clothing, Conductors, Directions, Friends, Guys, Insults, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Street, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid

Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

–1 train, Lincoln Center

Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

–BX 12 bus

Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.

–W. Broadway & Spring

Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?

–4th St & 6th Ave

Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?

–Q train, Canal St

Overheard by: mike C.

Posted on August 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Public Transportation, Rape, Sex, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession

Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!

–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holly

Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.

–B Train

Overheard by: Free Love

Posted on August 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Bosses, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, Musicians, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Prostitution, Sex, Street, Thievery, Time, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.

–W 34th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.

–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Phil

Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.

–Lawton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Eric Frazier

Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)

–Penn Station

Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Robert H

Posted on July 31, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Clothing, Crazies, Girls, Guys, Height, Hobos, Insults, Latinos, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Penis, Penn Station, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

Wednesday One-Liners?

Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this?

–Scholastic Store, Soho

Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin?

–Leon M. Goldstein High School

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station…

Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags?

–Canal Street Station

Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here?

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: fellow customer

Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that?

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: sarahjane

Posted on July 28, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Duane Reade, Fast Times at New York High, Guys, Idiots, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Knock-Offs, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Soho, Store, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourists, Train Station, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon.

–Barnard College

Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: John David

Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention–niggas be instigatin!

–Nassau & Fulton

Overheard by: Tigertail

First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: bunbury

Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right?

–70th & Broadway

Posted on July 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Friends, Grand Central, Illness, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Relationships, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words, Yuppies

Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot

Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]

–A train

Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you!

–D train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sitting behind them

Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!

–Central Park

Man: It smells like an STD in here.

–E train

Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.

–U-Haul rental place, Broadway

Overheard by: Kerry

Posted on July 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Scents of the City, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Apparently, We Won’t Never Forget

Tourist girl: We’re here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don’t think it is. This isn’t the Soup Nazi!…You, where’s the Soup Nazi?

–Daily Soup, 54th Street

Girl: I’ve never been to that restaurant, I hear it’s nice.
Guy: Yeah, it’s got its own Nazi charm to it.

–30th & Lexington office

Southern girl: Why didn’t you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We’ll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off.

–E train

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: mervis

Posted on July 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Hitler/Nazis, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-liners Are Expecting

Dude: There is nothing like cereal with breast milk.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Burke

Chick: How do mermaids get pregnant? They don’t have any legs.

–Office, 29th & 7th

Stroller guy: Say goodbye to your sister-slash-mother.

–Prospect Heights

Woman on cell: It’ll be fabulous! He’s die and she’ll get pregnant.

–West 4th & Macdougal

Hasidic lady: Please, someone sneezes in China and I get pregnant.

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Brandy Rowell

Guy: My whole family hates me; I hope they all fucking die, even the babies.

–Central Park

Overheard by: steve alcott

Chick: What is it with me and getting pregnant?

–66th & Broadway

Guy: No, now you take the placenta home with you and eat it.

–Hill Cafe, Cobble Hill

Posted on July 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

I Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You still love me even though I’m a fatty?

–113th & Broadway

Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren’t such a crack-whore.

–11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Kaitlyn

Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don’t find them; they find you!

–Williamsburg waterfront

Overheard by: could use all three

Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn’t he moisturize?!

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

Ghetto girl: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with the way you smellin’ right now!

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: AWAG

Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?

–57th between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: harvey

Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you…Of course she’s just doing it to be a bitch…I love Susan.

–73rd & Columbus

Overheard by: Will

Posted on July 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Diet/Weight, Drugs, Love, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary