The Audacity Of Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you.

–AMC Movie Theater

Overheard by: Emmy

Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service!

–14D Bus

Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!

–1 Train

Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom!

–University & 12th St

Posted on August 6, 2015
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Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs.

–Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park

Overheard by: not a bad idea

Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it…

–Queens Mall

Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up.

–N/R/Q station, 42nd St

Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me…

–LIRR waiting area, Penn Station

Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.

–Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport

Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger

Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Snapdragon

Posted on August 3, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Etiquette, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday Onesie Liners

Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!

–5th Ave

Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!

–Borders, Penn Station

Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace

20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Topical

Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Alie

Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.

–34th & Broadway

Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?

–Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Siobhan

Posted on August 3, 2015
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Do Wednesday One-Liners Measure Up?

Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later.

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ben A

Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs."

–Court St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: iwn2000

Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole!

–Broadway

Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army…

–Millennium High School

Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!

–Central Park

Posted on August 2, 2015
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The Wednesday One-Liner That Never Sleeps

20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up.

–2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Dodd Loomis

Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to!

–F Train

Overheard by: Chelsea S.

Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta!

–B61 Bus

Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable.

–Chambers St

Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City!

–Times Square

Posted on August 2, 2015
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Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Forget the Popcorn

Hipster: Aren’t you some kind of traitor? You’re going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?

–Mondo Kim’s, St. Mark’s Place

Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start ’til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.

–New York Public Theatre

Posted on August 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Film, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.

–23rd St

Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.

–LIRR

Overheard by: PW rider

NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Katherine

Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?

–F Train

Overheard by: Jasper johnson

Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: brutal commuter

Posted on August 1, 2015
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Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid

Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

–1 train, Lincoln Center

Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

–BX 12 bus

Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.

–W. Broadway & Spring

Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?

–4th St & 6th Ave

Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?

–Q train, Canal St

Overheard by: mike C.

Posted on August 1, 2015
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Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession

Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!

–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holly

Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.

–B Train

Overheard by: Free Love

Posted on August 1, 2015
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You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.

–W 34th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.

–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Phil

Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.

–Lawton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Eric Frazier

Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)

–Penn Station

Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Robert H

Posted on July 31, 2015
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