Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Posted on June 2, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Celebrations/Parties, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Porn, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: POLA

Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Amy

Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madison Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: Casey

Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.

–University St b/w 8th & Waverly

Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?

–46th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Posted on June 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Ass, Bryant Park, Dreams, Family Ties, Insults, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Cute, Cuter, Wednesday-One-Linest

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Target, Brooklyn

20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Overheard by: Howzith

Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: B44 rider

Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: L-Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rob Lovett

Posted on May 31, 2015
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Bus Drivers, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Gyms, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Punch, Sex, Shopping, Store, Strangers, Street, Students, The Village, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Law and Order and Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …yeah, and then I got arrested. So what’s up with you?

–Brooklyn Heights

Cop: Man, there’s a lot of Grade A ass out here today!

–Ground Zero

Guy: Don’t feel bad, honey. I’d say that one out of every 8 guys is a convicted arsonist.

–Union Square

Cop: Man, I hate going to the bathroom. You gotta take all this stuff off!

–Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Posted on May 26, 2015
Ass, Brooklyn, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Ground Zero, One-liners

And I Do

Woman: I like butts. I don't have no butt fetish!
Male friend: You're always saying “kiss my butt”!

–39 th St & Broadway

Posted on May 23, 2015
Ass, Friends, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kink, Licking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Women

Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Friendship, Harassment, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Licking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Nine Times Out of Ten They'll Guess Idaho

Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.

–Broadway Station Bar, Astoria

Posted on May 21, 2015
Ass, Astoria, Food, Guys, Idiots, Stupidity, Weirdness, Women

…Numbass

Woman #1 (searching for seat in crowded theater): Is this seat taken?
Woman #2: Oh, no sweetie, this one will make your butt cramp up. I keep tryin to sit in it but my leg keeps goin numb! It's such a bad butt cramp seat.
Woman #1: I'll take your word for it.

–Lowes Cinema, 3rd & 11th

Posted on May 18, 2015
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Default, Movie Theaters, Offers and requests, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Union Square and East Village, Women

But She Has the Opposite Rule for Sausage

Cyclist #1: So how was your girl’s birthday?
Cyclist #2: All right, I guess. I kinda fucked up.
Cyclist #1: Fucked up? How?
Cyclist #2: Well, she’s vegan.
Cyclist #1: Yeah, so?
Cyclist #2: Well, I bought her a leather seat for her bike.
Cyclist #1: So what, man? She’s vegan — just because she doesn’t like cow in her mouth doesn’t mean she won’t like it in her ass.

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: Prolly

Posted on May 8, 2015
Ass, Birthdays, Dads, Family Ties, Friends, Vegetarian & Vegan, Williamsburg

Ass