A Big Package of Wednesday One-Liners

Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.

–Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag–you know, kind of like a penis pops out!

–Dunkin Donuts

Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!

–Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?

Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!

–Downtown N Train

Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."

–W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Alan

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Kids, Old People, Park Slope, Pee, Penis, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, Stupidity, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Ass, Body Parts, Bosses, College, Death, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Hair, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

–NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

–L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex

Posted on November 19, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Judaism, Men, Office, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Race, Suits, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women

Wednesday's One-Liners Are Standing at Attention

Thug: Yo, man! What color are my nipples? What color are my nipples?!

–LaGuardia High School

Teen to friend: Calm yo black nipples! Calm yo black nipples!

–Union Square

Overheard by: hairy pink nipples

Girl to friends: The idea of some machine sucking on my nipples just terrifies me!

–Bathroom, NYU

Overheard by: Trying to pee in peace

Random girl: Yeah, I have like four nipples.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Nameless

Tall beautiful 30-year-old curvaceous brunette in stockings and pumps on cell: I was like: "you're preaching about non-violence and you're touching my nipple!"

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Janusz

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Colors, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Harassment, Nipples, NYU, On Cell, Sex, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Or Anyplace Else in New York, Except Possibly Staten Island

Loud black girl on train #1: Why ain't we goin' to the tattoo place on West 4th Street?
Loud black girl on train #2: Nah, we can't got there, Christine's homophobic. She can't go there.

–A Train

Posted on November 18, 2008
Black People, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, On the Subway, Questions, Tattoos

…Yadda Yadda Yadda, the Ebola Virus

Loud girl: Oh my god! So what did you say to him?
Dirty hippie-wanna-be: Well, then the man said he could hold his monkey for him…

–St. Mark's b/w 1st & A

Posted on November 17, 2008
Animals & Nature, Girls, Hippies, Lower East Side, Weirdness

Finding a Man with the Last Name “Foreman” Is the Tricky Part

Chick #1: Tell him what you're going to name your kids.
Chick #2: Dawn of the Dead, Alice in Wonderland, and Eli the Barrow Boy. What about you?
Chick #1: George…Foreman.

–Happy Days Diner

Posted on November 16, 2008
Books & Writing, Girls, Kids, Movies, Music, Names, Restaurants & Cafes, Sports

Poor Winners Are Even Nastier Than Poor Losers

Girl: Oh shit! A dime!
(a stoner boy steps on the dime as the girl goes to pick it up)
Girl: Hey, could you please move? Hey, you're stepping on a dime! Hey!
(boy drags foot forwards with dime under it, ignoring her)
Girl, trying to lift the boy's foot: Get off! Get off the dime! Jesus! Hey! You're stepping on a dime! Get off!
(boy slides forward again and the dime slips out. He continues sliding his feet towards a stairway)
Girl (holding up dime triumphantly): Yes! A dime! (pointing at boy) You! I will kill your family!

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: I love this school

Posted on November 16, 2008
Girls, Money & Class, Murder, Stoners, Stuyvesant, Threats, Weed, Weirdness

…To Use One of Emily Dickinson's Lesser-Known Similes

English professor: So who here is eligible to vote but isn't?
(student raises hand)
English professor: Why aren't you voting?
Ditzy Asian girl: I dunno… I just don't know who to vote for.
English professor: But…they're so different. They're like chocolate ice cream and…gravel.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Shakti

Posted on November 16, 2008
Asians, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Hunter, Illness, Politics, Students, Teachers/Professors

I'm About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay

Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) “Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together.”
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.

–Sophie's, 5th & Ave A

Overheard by: amazed

Posted on November 15, 2008
Alphabet City, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Druggies, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Horny, Music, Time, Weirdness

Girls