Suit on cell, holding a bouquet of yellow roses: Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend some flowers because I fucked her sister.
Student, walking by: Nice job, asshole.
Suit, turning around with a smile: I know! You should try it some time!
–John St
Suit on cell, holding a bouquet of yellow roses: Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend some flowers because I fucked her sister.
Student, walking by: Nice job, asshole.
Suit, turning around with a smile: I know! You should try it some time!
–John St
Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says “Your boss called and said that you were fired.” The man answers “Fuck him!”, and the woman says “I did, and now you have your job back.”
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!
–F Train
Woman, clearly winding up a long rant: …and that's why I don't need no fuckin' man in my life!
Toddler son: Mmmmmhmm, mommy.
–Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie Naum
Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.
–Madison Sqaure Park
Overheard by: Anniemal
(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!
–M101 Bus
(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!
–Union Square
Overheard by: I Looked Away
Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!
–Q Train
Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.
–30 Rock
Overheard by: MusicMagGirl
Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.
–New York Sports Club
Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.
–Columbia University
Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Next urinal
Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.
–Harlem
Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!
–Baruch College
Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz
Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike.
–Marymount School
White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil?
–Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: kdice
Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad?
–F Train
Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!"
–5th Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: manhattman
Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!"
–B61 Bus, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tastypaper
Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great.
–F Train
Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.
–Joralemon & Court
Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.
–Chelsea
Overheard by: Chuckell
Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!
–B7 Bus
Overheard by: i know, i love it too…
Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.
–Washington Square
Overheard by: Eric
Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.
–F Train
Overheard by: Jason B
Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!
–Manhattan Office
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: What do you mean where was I last night?! Are you out of your damn mind? I took an Ambien and passed out at 9 pm! (pause) Yeah, you should be sorry, you asshole. I'll let you make it up to me with a new iPod for Christmas. (pause) No, the blue one! Ugh. I have to go back to work, but there better be an apology e-mail waiting at my desk.
Shocked coworker: Lindsey, you were dancing with me on tables until 4 am!
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Obvious! But I can't tell my boyfriend that. Then he will definitely know I hooked up with that gorgeous Australian.
Shocked coworker: Wow. That's impressive.
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Oh, please. That's nothing. Wait till the Monday inquisition, when I'll have to step it up to an iPhone!
–Starbucks
Eight-year-old sister: Oh, I'm telling momma that you been mean to that boy and you been cussin'! She'll take your allowance away!
Eight-year-old brother: Fuck you! Suck my dick!
Eight-year-old sister: I'll take your allowance and your dick!
–Tompkins Ave & Flushing Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pechewychomp
