On Cell

Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don't know Spanish except what you learned from Selena.

–2 Train

Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe…

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Virginia

Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we're lost in New York City. It's like Home Alone!

–Across from Spamalot Theatre

Fag to hag: Don't you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit!

–Natural History Museum

(at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!

–Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park

Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don't wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy!

–57th & 9th

Overheard by: JPM

Panhandler on train: Please, I can't afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don't forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It's really great.

–F Train

Overheard by: JB

Skank: Oh, god… It’s just so sad. I mean, that fuckah was just so young. He got so many women. Why he had to die?
Woman trying to talk on cell: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that.
Skank: I mean, I woulda done anything for him… Anything at all… Great fuck… Great fuckah… Sad. [Train stops.] I gotta go.
Woman, back to caller: Hun? Sorry about that. Some girl wouldn’t stop talking. I think she was going to the first funeral that didn’t take place in her womb.

–A train

Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you’re wrong. Why don’t you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Trouble

Headline by: JohnnyB

Runners-Up:
· “… You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me.” – KJM
· “…maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn’t Such a Good Idea.” – df
· “It Won’t Do Any Good If She Can’t Actually SEE the Hand Puppet.” – Zenece
· “Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie…” – Lindsey
· “Worst Penis Name, Ever.” – Jim C.
· “You’re 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot” – Rose

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Man, speaking on his cell phone: “I’m going to watch the Gay Superbowl tonight.”

– Streetcorner in Cobble Hill

Black teenage girl on cell: I don’t care if he is a skinny white dude. I’m telling you right now, as long as I don’t have my period I’m gonna screw that cracker.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

20-something man on cell: I just bought another Transformers t-shirt. That means I am one Transformers t-shirt away from being able to only wear Transformers t-shirts.

–9th Ave & 45th St

Overheard by: Serena

Male art teacher: What's wrong with chiffon? If I were home right now, I would be wearing chiffon.

–Hunter College High School

Bar owner to college kid wearing suit: Look atchu all dressed up. What, are you goin' on a game show or somethin?

–Citi Bar

Overheard by: Lulu

20-something girl on cell: You should've known when you liked his clothes that he was going to be overly emotional. No one who dresses that good can hold it all together.

–Locker Room, Crunch Gym

Guy to group of friends: Yeah, so I said to him, "Mike, it's a problem when you wearin' the same clothes as your daughter.'"

–5th Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Sue

JAP on cell: If more people wore glitter there would no war.

–Therapy Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for president. You know why? Dogs don't start wars.

–31St & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Randi and Patrick

(at an anti-war rally)
Street vendor: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuitton!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Oh the irony

50-something guy on cell: You see, we are a military agency, not a government agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Homeland Security guy, I punched out a civilian.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Ksenia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civil war!

–7 Train

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Professor: We will talk about the JDC–the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.

–Queens College

Overheard by: ShaniP

Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: penelope

Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rhian

College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!

–Time Square

Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagster

Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags… (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mary jane

Suit: So what you really need to do is put together a social networking site for dogs.

–Barfly, 20th & 3rd

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Woman: I swear, my parents are only coming to visit so they can see my dog. Honest!

–Searchlight, 11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Conductor: Will the man with the small dog in the plastic bag please leave the train. That is not a safe way to be transporting a dog. Thank you.

–Bay Head Train

Guy riding past on a bike, yelling into his cell: Baby! If the dog is talking, that means one of two things…

–24th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: But it's not just any day of the year! It's Yom Kippur! (listens) Fuck you, Dave! Fuck you, and fuck your dog!

–Prince St

Overheard by: elle

Woman in elevator on cell (coming from attorney's office): You won't believe what he did! First he staged photos of me in bed with a dog. Then I turn the page and it's me in bed with my next door neighbor!

–Vesey St