Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: … From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad’s dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.
–Churchill’s
Overheard by: Veggie2001
Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."
–86th St & Lexington
Overheard by: TINA
Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!
–Duane Reade
Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?
–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Torgo61
Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!
–Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: eternal student
Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.
–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St
Eight-year-old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s-h-i-t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]Eight-year-old girl: I’m gonna kill myself!
–Mexican Restaurant near Union Square
Cute Asian girl: I feel like I'm in high school again, except the person I'm dating is female and a really good kisser, and the guy I'm plotting to seduce is my professor. What's wrong with my life?
Friend: I think you need to either learn to live without penis, or realize that kissing men isn't scary.
Cute Asian girl: Kissing women is scary too! But I happen to really enjoy kissing Christina.
Friend: Okay, so if you want to do your professor so badly, don't you think he might be a good kisser too?
Cute Asian girl: There are so many things you can do with a guy that don't involve kissing…
Friend: Again… Get over penis or start kissing men!
Cute Asian girl: It isn't that simple!
–Uptown 2 Train
Girl to friend: So last night I hit myself in the eye with my broom while baking lasagna, drunk.
–Blarney Stone Pub
Suit on cell: Oh man, you should definitely ice and elevate that shit.
–AMC Lowes, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica Segal
Man in wheelchair to woman pushing him: Remember when I hit that stroller head on and the kid passed out?
–33rd b/w 7th & 8th
Conductor on speaker: Please bring the first aid kit to car three, please bring the first aid kit to car three, a passenger has a bite.
–Train Leaving Penn Station
Teen to friend: And that’s how I got my penis stuck in a pencil sharpener.
–Stuyvesant High School
Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?
–3rd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: JC
Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?
–C Train
Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.
–125th St
Overheard by: Reilly
Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.
–5th & 83rd
Overheard by: Kelly
Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)
–The Village
Black hipster guy, pointing at newspaper: Look, look at this, I was right! I told you so! Tell me I was right.
Redhead hipster girl: Yeah, you were right.
Black hipster guy: Tell me I was right, and that I'm a sexy motherfucker, and that you want my cock really bad.
Redhead hipster girl: Okay, you were right, you're a sexy motherfucker, and I want your cock sooo bad. (starts whispering in his ear)
Black hipster guy, pushing her away: What is wrong with you? Who raised you? Were you raised by wolves…slutty wolves?
–Uptown 1 Train
Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: “Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you.”
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Emily Kidd
Angry girl: Your boner does not have super powers.
Dude: Yes, it does!
Angry girl: It won’t even point us in the right direction.
Dude: I never said it could do that.
Angry girl: You’re no Captain Jack Sparrow.
–W 3rd & Lafayette
Overheard by: danger
Woman #1: I got my grandmother the hugest card for Mother’s Day. She likes things that are really big.
Man: See, and they always told me that size doesn’t matter.
Woman #1: It really doesn’t matter what it says; she doesn’t understand English, anyway.
Woman #2: Do you think giving her the big card makes her understand it better the same way people think that talking louder to people who can’t speak English make them understand you?
–14th Street elevator
