Penis

It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: So last night I hit myself in the eye with my broom while baking lasagna, drunk.

–Blarney Stone Pub

Suit on cell: Oh man, you should definitely ice and elevate that shit.

–AMC Lowes, 68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jessica Segal

Man in wheelchair to woman pushing him: Remember when I hit that stroller head on and the kid passed out?

–33rd b/w 7th & 8th

Conductor on speaker: Please bring the first aid kit to car three, please bring the first aid kit to car three, a passenger has a bite.

–Train Leaving Penn Station

Teen to friend: And that’s how I got my penis stuck in a pencil sharpener.

–Stuyvesant High School

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Oral

Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: JC

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

–C Train

Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.

–125th St

Overheard by: Reilly

Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.

–5th & 83rd

Overheard by: Kelly

Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)

–The Village

Ever Seen My Titties, Dude?

Black hipster guy, pointing at newspaper: Look, look at this, I was right! I told you so! Tell me I was right.
Redhead hipster girl: Yeah, you were right.
Black hipster guy: Tell me I was right, and that I'm a sexy motherfucker, and that you want my cock really bad.
Redhead hipster girl: Okay, you were right, you're a sexy motherfucker, and I want your cock sooo bad. (starts whispering in his ear)
Black hipster guy, pushing her away: What is wrong with you? Who raised you? Were you raised by wolves…slutty wolves?

–Uptown 1 Train

Mission Accomplished

Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: “Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you.”
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Emily Kidd

Yet Another Reason to See the Pirates Director’s Cut

Angry girl: Your boner does not have super powers.
Dude: Yes, it does!
Angry girl: It won’t even point us in the right direction.
Dude: I never said it could do that.
Angry girl: You’re no Captain Jack Sparrow.

–W 3rd & Lafayette

Overheard by: danger

Don’t Forget Grandma Today Either!

Woman #1: I got my grandmother the hugest card for Mother’s Day. She likes things that are really big.
Man: See, and they always told me that size doesn’t matter.
Woman #1: It really doesn’t matter what it says; she doesn’t understand English, anyway.
Woman #2: Do you think giving her the big card makes her understand it better the same way people think that talking louder to people who can’t speak English make them understand you?

–14th Street elevator

Queer Eye for the Queer Guy

Man: Just a little gay boy, yes. But a little gay boy with a big ass dick.

–S. Williamsburg

Ed.: What’s an ass dick?

Looks Like All of NYC is Talking About It Now…

Don Juan: Sure I got a seven inch dick, but the thing no one ever talks about is I got a seven inch ball sack, too.

–Avenue A

It’s What God Gave Me

Chick on cell: Yeah, it was huge! They did it like twice, and she had to stay home from work the next day. She’s still sore. Now I’m supposed to see him tonight, and I don’t know what to do…OK, Mom! I’ll talk to you later!

–Midtown

Ah, The Dangers of Voting

Guy: Yeah, man, that’s true. But you have to keep in mind that while you’re emotionally emasculated, he’s physically emasculated, and there’s a helluva difference.

–Knitting Factory

Overheard by: Patrick Taylor

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