36 Chambers of Wednesday One-Liners

Homegirl on cell: You live in Staten Island, that’s too close to the wilderness, near the border. I am not emotionally ready to meet you in Staten Island.

–LIRR

Suit: He’s from Staten Island. That my Graceland.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: The Sock

Asian chick: What is that fruit called? Durian? That thing stinks so bad! It stinks like Staten Island bad!

–G Train

Overheard by: paco

Girl #1: In how many stops do we get off?
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]

–Staten Island Ferry

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is South Ferry. From there, you can go to the wonderful Battery Park, go see the beautiful Statue of Liberty… Or go to Staten Island.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Smarlow

Posted on April 3, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Fears, Fruit, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Staten Island Ferry, Statue of Liberty, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Suits, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Words

All Part of Her Training with the U.S. Secret Cervix

Girl: Gross. It smells like nasty pussy here.
Guy: How do you know what that smells like?
Girl: Uh… well, it’s what I imagine it would smell like.

–7th & A

Posted on March 20, 2015
Girls, Questions, Scents of the City, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

If Only We Could Convince Them to Roll Themselves in Cornflakes and Flour

Manager: My son likes white girls. I’m like, ‘Boy, don’t you know white people smell funny?! They smell like chicken when it’s wet outside!’
Coworker: Oh, yeah, they do be smellin’ weird.

–DT store, 32nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Posted on February 28, 2015
Black People, Race, Scents of the City

“That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!”

Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.

–Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room

Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Kayla Monetta

Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."

–E 10th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: molina1230

Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.

–Brooklyn College

Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Not hungry either

Posted on February 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guidettes, Italians, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Porn, Questions, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Strangers, Street, Students, The Village, Theater, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

We Like to Call It “Subway Cooch”

Teen boy #1: I love the smell of the subway.
Teen boy #2: Why?
Teen boy #1: You know why.

–71st St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on February 23, 2015
Boys, Questions, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Go Back to Elsewhere!

Tourist lady #1: Oh, it’s worth paying the cab fare. I mean, the subway…well, after September 11th it’s just not safe, you know?
Tourist lady #2: You’ve ridden the subway before?
Tourist lady #1: No, it smells weird.

–Hunt Valley bus

Overheard by: Katie Cheek

Prospective girl #1: OK, so tomorrow, let’s all wear our “I Heart NY” t-shirts.
Prospective girl #2: Yeah! And I can wear my Columbia sweatshirt over it!

–Morningside Heights

Toddler: Why is Jack-Jack’s name “Jack-Jack”? Why not regular Jack?
Mom: That’s just a nickname. I think his real name is just plain Jack.
Toddler: Can my nickname be Johann-Johann?

–1 train

Overheard by: Matt G

Posted on February 20, 2015
Clothing, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Moms, Nicknames & name calling, On the Bus, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Scents of the City, Stupidity, Terrorism, Tourism, Tourists

You’re the One Who Got Him into Coprophilia in the First Place

NYU punk girl: Whatever. I just don’t like him, okay?
NYU punk guy: I just don’t think him being smelly should have anything to do with it.

–Washington Square Park

Posted on February 14, 2015
Punks, Scents of the City, Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners–No Apologies Necessary

Suit on cell: I swear, I’m going to make her the sorriest crippled girl in New York.

–Avenue C

Hipster on iPhone: Hello? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you–I have an iPhone.

–6th & 27th

Hipster girl to out-of-town friend: Sorry about the smell, this area just recently gentrified.

–Orchard Street b/w Broome & Grand

Loud, drunk, British girl to boyfriend: We don’t know each other’s minds -we can’t read each other’s minds! So when you do something I don’t like and I tell you and then later you do something I don’t like and I tell you again… Well that’s two sorries in one day! And "sorry" is just a word, but you’re learning about me! About my mind.

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: rpk

Woman on cell: Oh sorry, I have to go. Remember that woman that got pregnant by a bear? Yeah, I just ran into her.

–Astor Place

Dominican to friend: And just wait until I tell them all he’s Dominican… he’ll really be sorry then!

–5th Ave, near Empire State Building

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on February 10, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Apologies, Brits, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dominicans, Drunks, Friends, Girlfriends, Lower East Side, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYC Geography, On Cell, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Suits, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness, Words

Art for Wednesday One-Liner’s Sake

Woman at bar to her friend: Ok, I know I’m an art dealer, but I’m like, the least bourgeois person I know.

–Smith & Mills (restaurant in Tribeca)

Overheard by: the lerpa

Little boy to friends: There are are four really big, important artists: Monet, Van Gogh, Renoir and… Pistachio.

–Impressionism Room, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: I love Pistachio’s green period

Young girl: These paintings smell nice and fresh!

–The Met

Angry white suburban artist to Jews for Jesus: Stop talking! You are pushing this on me without me asking -that makes you a cult. Go away. We don’t like your kind here -we are all white suburban artists.

–Morgan L Stop on Bogart

Overheard by: not a hipster

Gangsta: Dali? Ain’t he like, Picasso or some shit?

–The Met

Posted on February 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Artists, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Names, Offers and requests, Questions, Race, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Scents of the City, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Met, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women, Words

So Much Poor Hygiene in Such a Small Space

Freshman girl to friend: It smells like ass in here.
Junior girl with purple hair: I think it smells like stinky vagina!

–Queens College Campus

Overheard by: Lindsay

Posted on February 3, 2015
Ass, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Queens, Queens College, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Students, Vagina

Scents of the City