New York City Subway Stories

Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D…B…Q…Penn Station…D–
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.

–F train

Overheard by: Cole Couture

Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.

–1 train

Overheard by: Hayley

Man: This won’t do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.

At the next stop most of the car clears out.

Man: That’s what I’m talking about.

–A train

A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.

Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

–C train

Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor’s booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?

–A train

Posted on September 21, 2014
Black People, Conductors, Hipsters, Latinos, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Race, Relationships, Scents of the City, Stupidity, Tourists

Like the British Invasion Itself

NYU chick as “Back in the USSR” plays: Why are they playing so much 80s music?
NYU dude: It's cool, it's The Beatles.
NYU chick: Such a weird song, like Russia's all great or something.
NYU dude: I think it's supposed to be ironic.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Posted on September 21, 2014
Idiots, Music, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Weirdness

His Dream Is to Fuck a Brain in a Jar / Stephen Hawking

Guy: I am sapien-sexual. That means I am into minds, not bodies!
Bimbette: I’ve never been into vocabulary.

–11th & University

Overheard by: Maggie

Posted on September 21, 2014
Bimbettes, Default, Guys, Relationships, Stupidity, The Village, Words

Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners

Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating… And not just because there was cock and balls. I don’t care about that.

–Third Avenue

Guy to self: Brokeback mountain… Starring Hillary Clinton!

–Herald Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever

Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.

–SoHo

Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.

–24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore

Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed

Creepy hipster: You’d think you can’t have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"…

–Huron St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Dude on cell: If you like murder, you’re gonna love this movie!

–48 Bus

Posted on September 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Politics, Preppies, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Thugs, Vendors & Street Performers

Blondie is a Group

The bartender is wearing a Blondie shirt.

Guy: Do you even know who Blondie is? Do you know who JFK is?
Bartender: Were you even alive when JFK was alive?
Guy: I’ll bet you were born in 1982.
Bartender: Did anyone ever tell you how charming you are?
Guy: No!

–The Library, Avenue A

Posted on September 21, 2014
Assholes, Bartenders, Clothing, Guys, History & Geography, Library, Music, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners

Teen boy: “Romanian”? What’s that, Italian?

–N train

Posted on September 21, 2014
Anger Management, Animals & Nature, At the Airport, Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Crazies, Drugs, Fordham, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, History & Geography, Lower East Side, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Queers, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Teens, The Bronx, The Village, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, We Love Our Pets

I Smell a Potential Game Show!

Jersey tourist: It's so confusing that on the train first goes Newark Penn Station followed by New York Penn Station.
New Yorker: It's to weed out the weak.

–Mulberry Street

Posted on September 20, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, B & T, Directions, Lower East Side, Names, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourists

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.

–Ellis Island

Overheard by: Cat

Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: joanie

Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!

–Outside Empire State Building

Overheard by: Duppy

Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?

–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church

Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Courtney C.

Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.

–R Line

Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…

Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.

–Canal St

Posted on September 20, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brits, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Disney, Empire State Building, Fat People, Hudson River, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Soho, Stupidity, Time, Tourism, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists

Chick: I don’t know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious.

–Office, Madison & 38th

Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built.

–C train

Overheard by: A. Magnus

Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Gregorio

Chick: Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Canal Street isn’t in Chinatown; it’s in English, how could it be Chinatown?

–N train

Overheard by: Steph Lo

Drunk girl: I didn’t have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called “P.A.S.” that stood for “Phat As Shit.” We’d be like, “We…are P.A.S.”

–Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B

Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That “giggity giggity” shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch.

–N train