Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair — like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
–NJ Transit train
Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair — like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
–NJ Transit train
Teen girl: Hey, did you see that really hot guy at the pool?
Boyfriend: Yeah, the one with the black hair and the nice body?
Teen girl: Yeah… He was really hot.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I'd fersure tap that.
(long pause)
Boyfriend: I think I might be gay.
–2 Train
Overheard by: bethany
Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.
–Roc Restaurant
Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!
–St. Andrews Bar
Overheard by: allimax
Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!
–Near Manhattan Mall
Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.
–Hanover & Water
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.
–4 Train
Overheard by: jessie
Hobo: Where are you going?
Drunk guy: Bermuda. I’m connecting to the plane.
Drunk guy: Is that your cousin?
Hobo: Yeah!
Drunk guy: He didn’t even say nothing to you. That’s fucked up!
Hobo: My name is Peter. Peter Parker. I’m Spider-Man’s father.
The hobo shows the drunk guy his bottle. The drunk guy takes out a can of beer and a bottle of whiskey
Drunk guy: So what? You trying to beat me? You started a competition and I beat you. I came prepared.
–PATH train
Overheard by: Tony Gabriel
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.
–B Train
Overheard by: JustMe
Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Brian Broker
MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.
–G Train
Overheard by: lolz
Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.
–A Train
Overheard by: oliviz
Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.
–C Train
Overheard by: Chris
Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.
–York & 72nd
Overheard by: fance
Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!
–Borders Bookstore, Midtown
Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.
–Train, Penn Station
Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?
–Stuyvesant High School
Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!
–1st & 7th
Overheard by: Phyllis Dean
African American single mother: And what do they say on Maury?
Three-year old daughter: You are not the father.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Darby
Boy #1: So, I thought of something to make our image seem cooler.
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: Whenever we talk about playing board games, we call it ‘smoking pot.’
Boy #2: Oh, man, we smoke a lot of pot.
–Metro-North
Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.
–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th
Overheard by: Pleased
Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!
–Peter McMannus Pub
LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Jenna K
NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?
–Waverly & Mercer
Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.
–172nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude #1: Easy, Big Poppa, you’re stepping on my shoes.
Dude #2: Sorry, it’s a little crowded in here.
Dude #1: I can tell.
Dude #2: But I love it when you call me Big Poppa.
Dude #1: Seriously, get off my shoes.
— train
