Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You know I can't come over, I'm a daddy now! I have a dog! He needs me 24/7. I can't leave his sight, not even for a second! I'm just out for a moment to buy him some food, but other than that…

–Crosstown Bus

Souvenir seller: Get your doggy diary! Get your puppy program! Get your beagle bible! Get your bulldog blog!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Man at payphone: They tried to catch the hero dog, but he ran away.

–107 & West End

Overheard by: kdub

Half tone-deaf guy with guitar, singing: I'll marry you for your Green card, but I'll sleep with your sister cause she's prettier than you. She's 75 years old, never been touched by a man, let alone a dog…

–1 Train

Overheard by: CreateEvity

Man leaning out of car, to man walking Schnauzer: Excuse me…that's a Marmaduke?

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff S.

Woman on cell: If I don't get a dog soon I'm totally going to get pregnant.

–Wall Street

Posted on April 1, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Food, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Internet, Madison Square Garden, Man's Best Friend, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Singing, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Time, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

The United Colors Of Wednesday One-Liners

Yuppie to French friend: That's the first thing you learn in husband school. Unless you really like doing the laundry, the first time you do it turn everything pink. The second time, turn everything pink.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: 2,563 times later my dad still turns everything pink

Teen girl: I love the color brown an' shit.

–86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Suit to another: Oh, Charlie, don't you know not to wear green on Thursdays?

–Flatiron Building

Stoned guy: Whoa, it's the roygbiv, like, having a threesome.

–Dream House, Tribeca

Brunette: I saw a mess of pink and black on the floor, and I knew it was Michelle.

–Jake's Dilemma Bar

Overheard by: TCS

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Guys, Marriage, Murray Hill and Gramercy, One-liners, Questions, Stoners, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Three is Company, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yuppies

Unfortunately, I Mean That Literally

Coworker #1: See any good costumes this weekend?
Coworker #2: Yeah, I saw this one guy dressed as Borat. You know, with the like thong-leotard thing?
Coworker #1: Oh, wow.
Coworker #2: Yeah…it was really ballsy of him.

–Broadway & Walker

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on March 13, 2009
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Movies, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Without Emotional Attachment: Myth or Reality?

Dressed up overweight 20-something girl to another: We're in our 20s. We're like supposed to be slutty, right?

–Norman & Diamond

Overheard by: Guess I missed the memo 20-something girl

College girl to another: You gotta hit it and quit it, like a dude!

–W Broadway & 108th St

Overheard by: Tess

Janky fat woman: He never told me not to tramp!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Rob

Loud thug with neck tattoos on cell: You know Stud is my son, dude. Stud just wanna hump on women all day.

–Deli, Myrtle Ave, Fort Greene

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Hipster chick to another: I was wasted! Then I saw him in daylight and said "Holy shit!"

–Havemeyer, Grand Street, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Heather

Lawyerly woman to another: I told him that just because I want to fuck does not mean that we have to love each other.

–Foley Square

Overheard by: Julio

Random guy to cute girl: Good luck, honey. What you wake up with, you're stuck with.

–Jimmy Steiny's, Hyatt Street, Staten Island

Posted on March 11, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Delis, Fat People, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Hook Ups, Horny, Lawyers, Love, On Cell, Parents, Physical appearance, Promiscuity, Relationships, Sex, Sorority Girls, Staten Island, Street, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women

Many Americans Don't Know the Difference, Either

Gay American guy: For the last time, it's called “working,” not “wanking.”
Gay French guy: “Working,” “wanking,” I am French, I don't know. (proceeds to pinch American gay guy)

–Elevator, 205 Hudson

Overheard by: Harry Cooter

Posted on March 2, 2009
Elevators, Foreigners, Gays and Lesbians, Language Barrier, Masturbation, Punch, Queer guys, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

Killing Me Softly with His Wednesday One-Liner

Excited man on cell: Hey! Did you hear who died? Amanda's pretend husband died!

–N Train

Overheard by: Tophs

20-something woman to friend: Well, I wanna kill her and she wants to kill me, 'cause I took her husband.

–R Train

Overheard by: Tara

20-something hipster girl: I am a nihilist! Watch me die.

–Waverly & Mercer

Asian guy to white girl: All children are born evil. If they had the strength of an adult during childhood, they would kill someone just to get a lollipop.

–Queens College

Woman on cell: Okay! I get it. She's not a good person. Just kill her.

–Canal St & Laffaette St

Overheard by: Kay

Conductor: You're all gonna die! I'm your worst nightmare! Ahahahaha!

–C Train

Overheard by: P-Diddy

Posted on February 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Conductors, Death, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Infidelity, Kids, Marriage, Men, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Queens, Queens College, Soho, Stupidity, Threats, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Grow Up Faster in the City

Little girl to woman walking by: Oh, look–another person, sooooo interesting. It's not like we haven't seen enough of those today.

–D'Agnostino's, Greenwich & Barrow

Overheard by: Margo

Boy walking in church to mom: And when we walk in we'll hear Gregorian chants.

–Trinity Church

Four-year-old boy, after plane's smooth landing: Whoa, that was solid!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: jen

Kid at birthday party: I thought they were feeding us ice cream, not shit!

–McDonald's, Bayside

Adorable child having a temper tantrum: I don't want to walk, I want to go in the stroller!
(mother ignores him) I'm melting… I'm meeelllting!

–New York Transit Museum

Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna

Posted on February 25, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Church, Compare/Contrast, Food, Glad the Condom Broke, JFK Airport, Kids, Moms, More museums, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Singing, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Two Wednesdays, One-Liner

Thuggette to two friends: So we, like, had a threesome, just without the sex.

–Kingsborough Community College

Hipster boy holding Christmas wreath: Well, no, I wasn't part of the threesome.

–Pearl St & John St

Overheard by: Matthew

Blonde 30-something: I love threesomes. That's when you go shopping with two friends, right? Right?

–77th & Lexington

Overheard by: iwantinonthat

Suit on cell: Were you invited to the gangbang? I wasn't invited! She always invites me to the gangbang! Fucking whore!

–86th & Park Ave

Overheard by: i wasn't invited either!

Conductor: Man, I am telling you, those two girls were just not ready, ready for me.

–A Train

Hobo: I would like money to buy beer so I can get drunk, and take home two women so they can molest me.

–M&M Store

Posted on February 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Hobos, Insults, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgy, Sex, Shopping, Store, Suits, Three is Company, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Know the Kabuki Makeup Doesn't Help, But I Got Bored.

Black nanny #1 to another, about white baby in her care: Her mother tells me to put sunscreen on her, but she's so damn white.
Black nanny #2: I know, nigger looks like Casper.

–Battery Park Playground

Overheard by: Ana O

Posted on February 24, 2009
Black People, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Kids, Parks, Race, TV, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport