We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Skater boy: I love Jennifer Aniston! I would fuck her and then leave her!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Grad student: I've been analyzing my love life from a symbolic interactionist perspective…

–Amsterdam Cafe

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy on cell: I love you…(defensively) Yes I do!

–Columbus Circle

Loud guy: You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Kelsey

Man on cell: Then I thought that if I asked her out she would think that I think that she thinks that I think that she loves me.

–59th St & 8th Ave

Black girl behind the counter (after receiving a few text messages and calls): Why is everyone harassing me today? (sighs) I feel loved.

–Coldstone Creamery

Overheard by: Eli

Bus driver on loudspeaker: This bus is beautiful. We care about one another, we share our experiences, our dreams and aspirations. I love each and every one of y'all. So…that's what this is.

–X30 Bus

Overheard by: i just like him as a friend…

Posted on September 17, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Boys, Breaking Up, Bus Drivers, Compliments, Girls, Guys, Love, Men, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Philosophy, Public Transportation, Questions, Sex, Skaters, STDs, Store, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium

A Wednesday in Need Is a One-Liner Indeed

Angry man on cell: I need a friend in my life! Do you hear me?! …I don't care! I'm not leaving my wife for anyone!

–Roosevelt Ave, Flushing

Overheard by: oh, you thought my ipod was on

Girl to friend: Tomorrow I'm finally unpacking and I'm buying a new sundress to wear on Sunday when I go out to brunch with my new love interest. But he doesn't know that's the direction our friendship is headed.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Older woman with teased black hair on cell: But Frank, I don't want you to write a song about me. I want things to be as they were, friends when we were normal. Don't write me a song.

–Staten Island Ferry

Girl to friend: Well, I'm friends with him too and I didn't sleep with him.

–Shake Shack, Union Square

Girl to friend: I'm willing to let you sleep with my best friend and you still want more?

–W 31 & 6th

Overheard by: misery

Angry woman on cell: And then he told this complete stranger, "My ex-wife had lesbian lovers! My ex-wife slept with young boys!" We've been divorced for six years and he's still talking shit about me, but he says he wants to be friends?!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: voidoid

Posted on September 17, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Marriage, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Queens, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Starbucks, Staten Island Ferry, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Conductor: This is the train from Grand Central to North White Plains. Next stop is Botanic Gardens. We do not go to Canada. Next stop is Botanic Gardens.

–Metro-North Train

Guy with heavy Brooklyn accent: I don't want to go to a place like Canada if I don't know where it is!

–Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Mike

20-something preppy boy (yelling into his phone): It's not racist to hate Canadians! Canadians are not a race!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Man on cell: What? He jumped off a bridge? You have to be Canadian to jump off a bridge!

–Times Square

Tourist: Man, I'm way too Canadian for this escalator.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: escal-eh?-tor

Posted on September 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Canadians, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Global Geography, Grand Central, Guys, Men, On Cell, Preppies, Public Transportation, Race, Stupidity, The Village, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Wishes & desires

If We Never See Another Negro Pizza Fund Wednesday One-Liner Again, It'll Be Too Soon

Hobo: Can you spare a donation to the united negro pizza fund?

–120th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Mikey T

Hobo: Would you like to make a donation to the united negro pastrami fund?

–21st & Park Ave

Overheard by: Lawrence C

Hobo: Hello ladies, would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund?

–Broadway, SoHo

Bum on street: Please give to the united negro pizza fund.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Squid

Hobo: Contribute to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund!

–Prince & Wooster

Black hobo to tourists: Would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami fund?

–Bleecker & Leroy

Overheard by: Lynn

Hobo: Please give to to the united negro pizza fund. A pepperoni is a terrible thing to waste. (30 minutes later) What's the best nation? A do-nation!

–Outside Buddha Bar

Posted on September 10, 2008
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Pizza, Questions, Race, Soho, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Wednesday One-Liners' Drawings Are All Over the Refrigerator

Little kid looking out subway window: Look mom! The projects!

–N Train

Overheard by: patricia

Three-year-old girl to mom looking at a painting: Why am I so biiiggggg?

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: alison

Little boy, whining to his mother while following her the wrong way through IKEA: We're never going to get out of here!

–IKEA, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lost In Space

Small child: Look at that pigeon, mommy, I want to eat it!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Natalie

Two-year-old girl (shaking her ass): Hubba hubba!

–Central Park

Little boy: Mommy! Let's go look at the hos now!

–Museum of Natural History, Native American Exhibit

Pudgy Asian kid standing in circle of sitting summer campers: The capital of Thailand is Bangkok! Who wants a tea bag?

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Thaibag

Posted on September 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Birds, Boys, Brooklyn, Central Park, College, Fears, Food, Girls, Kids, Museum of Natural History, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Store, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Live in Upscale Packing Crates

Crazy hobo outside strip club: Good morning! (girl ignores him) I said "Good morning!" (girl keeps walking, not looking at him) Fine! I take it back!

–Broadway & 53rd St

Overheard by: JoBell

Bag lady to tourists: Hey, people! Welcome to New York City! Can you buy me a hot dog?

–Wall Street

Hobo: Hey! Can I borrow fifty million dollars for the weekend?!

–14th St

Hobo on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please! My name is Al, but you can caaaaaaaaalllllll me…homeless.

–L Train

Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am.

–Uptown F Train

Lispy overweight hobo: Hey, sweetie! If I do some scenes from Days of Our Lives, will you help me out with two dollars?

–W 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Posted on September 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Bars & Clubs, Crazies, Fat People, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, Movies, Music, Names, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Panhandling, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners

Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies… They're all Ricky Martin!

–Outside Nightcaps, Midwood

Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody.

–Lesbian Bar, Park Slope

Overheard by: gvw

Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world!

–Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ken Thompson

Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Overheard by: MeiLi

Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it–please burn me.

–Astoria, 21st St

Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything…

–Union Square

Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die!

–Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn

Posted on September 10, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Death, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Kids, Lesbians, Movie Theaters, Murder, Offers and requests, Old People, Park Slope, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Poogins

Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!

–Times Square

40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oedipus

Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.

–AirTrain

White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…

–28th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vanessa

Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!

–4 Train

Overheard by: JC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Death, Girls, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Park Slope, Questions, Race, Relationships, Suits, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them.

–Grand Central

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting.

–J Train

Overheard by: Penny

Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee!

–B Train

Overheard by: john

Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger–grow up!

–F Train

Overheard by: Bernie

Conductor: Know where you need to go–East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people–help me out.

–2 Train

Overheard by: know what you mean

Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people.

–C Train

Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford…or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic.

–LIRR

Overheard by: The WC