Wednesday One-Liners Will Pass You a Note in Study Hall

Teen girl: The teacher was like, "Everybody did well on the oral part, that's a good thing, because I hadn't thought it was too long or hard." And then a kid in the back shouted, "That's what she said!"

–Times Square

Teen girl, after being hugged by two boys: Okay, which one of you fingered me?

–Outside Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: disgusted educator on bus

Teen on cell: Stuff? What the hell? Wait, stuff and things? What the fuck, man?!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

Teenage boy: Every time you type "lol" a baby gets kicked in the head.

–150th & Columbus

Teen girl on cell: Why you always call me "ghetto?" I'm not ghetto. (long pause) Okay, I am! But I can't help it!

–Park Avenue

Overheard by: taylor

Teen punk girl on phone: Yeah, I kinda got to third in a dumpster… No! No, it was a clean dumpster!

–St Mark's & 2nd

Posted on October 8, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Boys, Cleanliness, Education, Girls, Grand Central, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kick, On Cell, Punks, Queens, Questions, Sexuality, Teens, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners See London and France

30-something guy to another: She works for Sesame Street so she gets a lot of free underwear.

–Brooklyn Label, Greenpoint

Girl: Yeah, dude. She wasn't wearing any underwear so everyone was trying to pull down her skirt!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Mollie

Tourist mom in matching pink jumpsuit, struggling with too many children: Oh my Jesus, I wore the wrong thong today!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Emily

Puzzled hipster on cell: Wait…how did wearing a thong fuck up her eye?

–7th St & Ave A

Hipster girl on cell: Did you get your underwear? Lindsey! Goddamn it! "Eat" sounds nothing like "get!" Fuck! What? Fuck you, bitch! Taste of my own medicine, bullshit! I heard nothing about gnawing on my own underwear!

–Baskin-Robbins, Mulberry

Overheard by: Hana

Very blond mother pushing baby carriage, on cell: I don't care, we've talked about this! Don't fucking touch my underwear!

–20th St & 7th Ave

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Nudity, Offers and requests, Questions, TV, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners … For Me to Poop On!

Girl yelling at guy wearing ridiculously oversized shorts: Eat my shit out the toilet! Stew my shit and eat it!

–109th & Manhattan

Random girl: The only thing is, you have to flush your own toilet paper.

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Overheard by: the old fashioned way

Teenager: So then I pooped my pants, and my belt buckle exploded!

–Fulton Street

Overheard by: The Lane Train

10-year-old boy walking with his mom and sister: I'm a good guy. I don't pee on the floor. Or doo doo.

–Broadway, Astoria

Teen on cell: Alright, I'm gonna go home. I gotta clean up some poop.

–49th & 3rd

Girl: He called me last night and said he wanted to see me! When the maid knocked on the door I thought it was him and I thought, "I think I have to poop!"

–Milford Hotel Lobby

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Clothing, Girls, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pee, Poop, Teens, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Six-year-old girl to middle-aged passenger: Well, I'm Jewish, but my parents are Aries. So I'm not really sure what that makes me.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: half Jewish, half Gemini

Guy: Oh, I know Jewish girls give good head!

–81st & Amsterdam

Awkward Catholic boy: These days there are more Jews in New York than Israel…and they all worship Barbara Walters as their Spider Queen.

–Steps of The Met

(outside the Marionette Theater's showing of Jack and the Beanstalk)
Four-year-old: Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a Jewish man.

–Outside the Marionette Theatre, Central Park

Drunk guy inside German bar, pointing at small guy with a jewfro: Juden!

–German Beer Garden, Williamsburg

Overheard by: POLA

Woman on cell: Well, he wasn't as forthcoming with me as he is with you, probably because I keep telling him to stop dating that fat Asian girl and find himself a nice Jewish girl instead …

–Broadway & Prince

Posted on October 1, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Global Geography, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Judaism, Kids, Nazis, On Cell, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Soho, The Met, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

The Devil Wore Wednesday One-Liners

Man on phone: Well, I got a shirt but it wasn't quite what I was looking for, so I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and get some breadsticks.

–Astor Place

Older, bespectacled white male at table with wife: Motherfuckin' tube socks…

–Jazz Standard, 27th & Park

Overheard by: V

6'6" man (earnestly): Honestly, if I were Hillary, I would never wear a pantsuit! You know what I mean?

–Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: Ingwall

Cracker: I hate fighting rastas. Man, I really do. It's those hats…you never know what they're hiding in those fuckin' hats!

–Marcy & Broadway

Man: Do you realize you just offended a man carrying an organic tote bag?

–6 Train

Overheard by: wb

Barfly to bartender: Is that your belt or a wrinkle in the fabric of time?

–Thirsty Scholar, 2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jas

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Clothing, Customers, Druggies, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Hospitals, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, Philosophy, Politics, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Jaywalk, They Strut

Old lady crossing the street waiting for cars to pass: C'mon people, shake a leg. (cars pass) Thank you very much.

–80th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peg

Woman leading tour group across 8th Ave: Okay people, walk quickly and walk with purpose. When the red hand stops the light changes and you will be hit by a car.

–54th & 8th

Overheard by: James

Female tourist to her friend: Why is everyone crossing the street when the light is red?

–Times Square

Girl Scout in uniform: No, it's okay. You can jaywalk here!

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Marie

Woman running into middle of road waving arms: Stop, stop, I don't want to get hit. Stoppppp! (cars slow down or slam on brakes) Hahahaha…just kidding.

–Union Turnpike & Utopia Parkway, Queens

(cab turns in front of guy crossing) Guy: Hey, I'm walking here! (turns to his friend) I always wanted to say that.

–42nd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on October 1, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Old People, Only in New York, Queens, Threats, Times Square, Tourists, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Women

I'm Not a Wednesday One-Liner — You're a Turkey!

Hootchie, about subway smell: It smells like gooood chicken in here. Like McDonald's.

–86th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: EthanK

Barnard girl, indignantly: Chickens don't have thighs!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: The Thighless Wonder

Kid to friends: Oh, shit! I forgot there's a chicken in my backpack!

–Canal St Subway Station

Overheard by: Mel

Cracked out lady on one crutch to cashier: Do you guys still carry like, hamburgers and chicken sandwiches and stuff?

–McDonald's

Overheard by: Ben

Perspiring panhandler on definitely non-organic substances holding a can and singing: I love chickennn…chicken breastsss and thighhhs…chicken heads…mmmmmmm…I love them goooood (keeps going) Thank you. (extends his can for donations)

–7 Train

Overheard by: OG Bergenfield

Woman on phone with friend: I mean he wouldn't even cut my chicken in half for me at dinner. I was all givin' him shit for it. We got in this fight and I told him, "That's what people do to show each other that they care! They cut each other's chicken in half or make them a can of soup or whateva'!" You know what I'm sayin'?

–88th St & Broadway

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Body Parts, Columbia, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Homeless, Hootchies, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Panhandling, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow

Teen hipster on cell: You know, light pink is the navy blue of India. It's true! Don't ask me how I know this but I do.

–6th & 51st

Overheard by: simon

Flamboyant nasal-voiced man on cell: I'm feeling blue…like, royal blue…a little lighter…no, not baby blue…like, American flag blue…like…yeah.

–Jamaica LIRR Station

Aussie on cell: There were all these dudes wearing pink shirts…and they weren't even gay!

–55th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: wearing a pink shirt and gay

Girl to friend: So he made carrot salad and I said "Your poop is gonna be orange!"

–The Frying Pan, Chelsea

Latina: Well, she said "It wasn't white! It was yellow!" So I was like, "Well, was it at least shaped like a penis?"

–4th Ave & 40th, Brooklyn

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Food, Foreigners, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Hipsters, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Penis, Poop, Queens, Questions, Teens, Train Station, Trains Not Subway

Suspenders or Belt, Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy: Okay, we can invite him too, but you have to remind him that pants are a requirement, not a mild suggestion.

–Uptown 2 Train

Middle aged man at the end of police show (exhausted from dancing around the suite all night): Wow, I can't believe I kept my pants on!

–MSG Skybox

Overheard by: Russ Beef

Man to friend: And like, man I wasn't gonna drink anything, but I smoked like one hundred blunts and was so high and I was like taking my pants off and shit.

–1 Train

Overheard by: batou187

Ghetto guy to ghetto friends: I remember the day I got my Reeboks like I remember the day that I peed my pants…when I was too old to pee my pants.

–A train

Overheard by: Hannah

Guy on phone: I think that may be slightly humiliating though, if the pants actually come off. And someone feels the chicken cutlets inserted in your underpants for some added power.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Joey