Wednesday One-Liners, Capisce?

Guido: I once kept a clove of garlic in my mouth for a whole week.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: Alistar Spencer

20-something to Guido friend: Dude, it's not my fault you look like a child molester.

–Meatpacking District

Overheard by: Sam

Guido with gelled hair to Guidette, as it starts to rain: I made $500 off this haircut, I am not getting it wet and ruined! No!

–Union Square

Guido on 'roids, to his three Guido friends: Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!

–Spumoni Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: POLA

Guido to another: Boy, breakdancing when you're high is impossible.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: baby g

Guido on cell: I have an extra queen-sized mattress at my place. I'll set up my camera, you'll come over with Sarah and fuck on it, and we can sell it as a porno afterwards. I don't see why this is so hard.

–St. Mark's & Ave. A

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Friends, Guidos, Hair, Home, Sweet Home, Malls, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Porn, Queens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

What Kinda Mileage You Get With That Wednesday One-Liner?

Teen girl, calmly: My nigga, I only got one car, and I need that car to kill my momma.

–125th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline

Loud Eastern European man to older guy: If I get you car, you get me woman. Woman for fucking! (gestures a jackhammer motion)

–Union Square

Overheard by: BK

Surprised woman: $15,000? Tonya! For $15,000 you could've bought a car, gone to a psychologist and finally learned how to drive!

–Park Ave & 39th St

Girl on cell: He drove his truck into the pool. No…he drove his truck into the pool. So, I just hope it's not because he was doing something stupid.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Pretty Sure He Was Doing Something Stupid

Man on bike on cell: There ain't no peanut butter in the car.

–West 4th & Sullivan St.

Overheard by: Anna P.

Screaming guy, sticking head out of cab during traffic jam: Fucking three inches per hour!

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: seb

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Teens, Time, Washington Square Park, Women

Can You Sell Wednesday One-Liners on the Black Market?

Skater kid: Where's my tongue?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Toast

Guy on bus (shouting from the back of the bus): Driver, you know this bus is not gentle on those who have testicles. I mean there's all these bumps and everything's jumping around.

–B12 Bus

Butch lesbian yelling into phone: How do you think I found out my thyroid wasn't working?

–M14D Bus

Old guy to pretty girl: You have some nice legs. You should be doing stocking commercials. Anyone ever tell you that? (now to himself) Oh, the woes of racism have plagued us from Egyptian times!

–R Train

Stock floor guy on cell: Every time we think this thing is coming to a head, there's another head…how many heads does this thing have?

–Wall St & Broadway

Overheard by: Michael

Woman on cell: The best place for your thighs is around my neck. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is.

–58th & Columbus Circle

Posted on October 15, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Central Park, Clothing, Compliments, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Lesbians, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Sexuality, Skaters, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Ni Hao, Wednesday One-Liners!

Korean girl to white guy: Why do you find it necessary to squint your eyes when you do an Asian impression?

–L Train

Overheard by: john.ainley

White girl to friends: And then a ninjician pulled a chopstick out of her ear!

–Veniero's Pastry Shop

Overheard by: Amy

Asian chick: Asians are obsessed with analyzing poop.

–Max Restaurant, Tribeca

Overheard by: Shringle

Woman begging for change: Can I get some quarters? (pause) My cousin-in-law is Chinese. Come on!

–52nd & Lexington

Overheard by: NMT

Asian woman, after sneezing: Just cuz I'm a sneezin' Asian don't mean I got SARS.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: CNaughty

White girl on cell: Okay, I'm going to sound crazy, but there's this Asian guy in one of my classes…and he looks just like Ashley…and I just want to run up and say "Can I take a picture of you? Because you look just like my black girlfriend!"

–Dorm Building, Cooper Union

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Body Parts, Buildings, College, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Girls, Global Geography, Grocery Stores, Illness, Koreans, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pictures, Poop, Port Authority, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, White People

Does It Burn When You Wednesday One-Liner?

Girl playing extreme edition of Would You Rather:Okay: would you rather Joe with a 75% chance of a non-treatable STD or Luke with a 12% chance of pregnancy?

–R Train

Asian girl during Rent intermission: Oh wait, so they all have AIDS? Is that why they're all taking pills all the time? I didn't understand that. But you can't die from AIDS, right? I mean, if you like lived in a bubble forever, you would never die from it, right?

–Nederlander Theater

Man, emphatically: Look, you don't even have to worry about HIV, just take 200 milligrams of Vitamin C.

–89th & Broadway

Hipster girl: Me and my STDs are like Angelina Jolie's kids… Gotta get one from every country!

–Broome St

Overheard by: Kate

Hipster to friend: Thank god AIDS wasn't in Africa yet when I was there, I wouldn't have fucked anybody.

–Classroom, NYU

Young woman on cell: Yeah, I know. (pause) So you don't mind if I have herpes, right?

–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Tara

Posted on October 15, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Girls, Global Geography, Hipsters, Lower Manhattan, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Sex, STDs, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Three Blind Wednesday One-Liners

Homeless man, watching cute little mouse: That mouse is aggressive! It'll attack you if provoked.

–Central Park

Concerned Long Island tween, pointing at a rat in the tracks: Oh my god, how did a squirrel get in here? Seriously, we should help it.

–W 4th St Station

Father to daughters, with head cocked up listening to dark void in the platform: Hear that, girls? The rats are playing.

–96th & Broadway Subway Platform

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Random blond chick: I don't wanna be the fricking mouse.

–Asian Restaurant, Chinatown

Dude: I was raised with rodents.

–Hunter College

Eight-year-old Italian kid to another: Hey, you know that bracelet you got at the feast? The next day I saw a mouse with it around his neck, swear to god!

–Lorimer & Maujer, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Central Park, Chinatown, Dads, Education, Fashion, Girls, Guys, Homeless, Hunter, Italians, Kids, Men, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity, Tweens, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

Maverick Wednesday One-Liners Take on the Washington Establishment

Woman: So my friend was going to vote for Obama, but now, since her boyfriend is from, like, Alaska, she's going to vote for McCain instead.

–Store, 2nd Ave

Woman to friend: Joe says he weighs 145 but he's a Republican. You can't trust anything he says.

–Pinetree Lodge, 35th & 1st

Hobo on street corner: Vote for McCain. Get nuclear rockets shot up your ass and eat moose burgers all day!

–W 3rd & MacDougal St

Overheard by: Matt

60-something woman dressed like teenybopper, talking about Sarah Palin on cell: She proves you can be pretty and smart. She's more than a bulldog in a pantsuit; she's like Alaska Barbie!

–Penn Station

Yuppie dad to whiny daughter: Barack Obama doesn't like it when his daughters whine.

–Caroll Gardens

Middle-aged, white man on cell: Do not call me at this number again. Never call me at this number again. Listen, if you call me at this number again I will, in fact, vote for John McCain.

–Tea Lounge, Cobble Hill

Posted on October 8, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Diet/Weight, Guys, Hobos, Lies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Politics, Pop Culture, President, Relationships, Store, Stupidity, The Village, Threats, U.S. Geography, War, White People, Women, Yuppies

Wednesday Had One-Liners for the Tax Exemptions

Ghetto mother to obnoxiously loud child: Stop it! Stop it! I said stop it! Oooh, girl I am gonna sell yo ass for a Lexus and a mansion if you don't stop!

–L Train

Mother to small child lagging behind: Do you want to go home with another family?

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: shopgirl

Grandmother to small grandson: You went potty, Nietzsche? That's very good. Nana is coming over later, Nietzsche.

–Carl Schurz Park

Mother, to kid peeing on street: Michael, we don't pee on other people's doors!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Nikki

Mother, to kid looking at toys: It's not a toilet, it's to make cupcakes.

–Toys "R" US, Times Square

Overheard by: Howie

Father, to five-year-old son: I had no idea you liked AC/DC!

–Penn Station

Mother, to son in stroller watching two shady characters: Oh, a drug deal! Sam*, your first drug deal encounter.

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: andrew daly

Posted on October 8, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Central Park, Compliments, Dads, Drugs, Etiquette, Ghetto Chicks, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, Music, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, Parks, Pee, Penn Station, Philosophy, Poop, Questions, Store, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?

Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.

–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave

Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him

MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!

–MTA Harlem Line Train

Overheard by: Nina

Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.

–44th St & 3rd Ave

20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.

–C Train

Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: arctinus

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Erections, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Store, Subway conductors, Suits, Threats, Women

Oh, Puke, It's Wednesday One-Liners!

Teenybopper: I was going to see Legally Blonde, but then I threw up in Kmart twice.

–Delacourte Theater, before Hair

Overheard by: Morgan

Girl to another: It's easy–you just put your finger down your throat and you vomit!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Sarah

Guy on laptop to woman sitting next to him: Sorry if I make throw-up noises, no offense.

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

Overheard by: altaatlantic

Girl on cell: Oh my god. Like if that meal wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it up!

–3rd Ave & 8th St

Overheard by: rachel

Teenage girl on payphone: Ma? Hey ma? Hold on. (vomits) I'm throwing up! (vomits some more) I *said* I'm (vomits a third time) throwing up. I'm done now. What?

–Wilson Ave, Bushwick

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Girl to friend, while smoking: So there I was, puking…and they started to have sex!

–Third and Long Bar

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Penn Station, Sex, Theater, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Vomit, Weirdness

All Wednesday One-Liners