Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket

Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces…

–72nd St & Columbus

Overheard by: Asset

Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome…

–Union Square Platform

Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel

Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee..!

–6th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Jatmos

Blind panhandler, singing: Can’t take my eyes off of you…

–R Train

Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin’ pen, so I can write a sign…

–St Mark’s Place

Greyhound bus driver: We’re pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right, it’s better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.

–Geyhound, Port Authority

Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cops, Coworkers, Cum, Druggies, Gripes, Guys, Handicaps, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Music, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Retards & Handicaps, Singing, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?

Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!

–University & 10th St

Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ

Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Columbus Circle

Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Overheard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Aimee

Posted on April 30, 2008
Accidents, Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Coworkers, Etiquette, Friends, Gripes, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Only in New York, Suits, The Village, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Send in the Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Overheard by: Children are the future

Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Overheard by: send in the clowns

Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!

–Brooklyn

Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Barnum & Bailey Circus

Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I might consider paying up

Posted on April 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Street, Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Tourist Attractions, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chinese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year’s date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.

Disgusted McDonald’s patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broadway

Overheard by: Shemp

Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it’ll go away after a week," but I told them it’s just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] … Oh, it’s prolly me. [Keeps walking.]

–Library, Washington Irving High School

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Death, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Fruit, Girls, Gripes, Holidays, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Sorority Girls, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Of Course, They Make Tons More Money Than Me And Actually Help Society…

Guy at hipster party: As white people, we don’t think of Greeks as white –we think of them as… Dirty Greeks!
Girl: I can’t believe you just said that.
Guy: Come on. No one likes a Greek.

–Party, Greenpoint

Overheard by: I have no problem with Greeks

Posted on April 29, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Insults, Race, Weirdness

In My Dreams, I’ve Already Invented the Water-Powered Car

Long Island girl: The things I think about when I’m not sleeping are so meaningless.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Casayoto

Posted on April 29, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, Girls, One-liners, Psychology, White People

This Reference Is on the Cusp of Becoming Old

Dude #1: … Yo it was awesome man, she was so hot. It totally made the ski trip worth it.
Dude #2: Look at you, Governor Spitzer, gettin’ some outta town booty.

–Bryant Park

Posted on April 29, 2008
Bryant Park, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crime and Punishment, Default, Directions, Guys, Parks, Politics, Relationships, Sex, Travel

That’s What You Said about the Bratz Movie

Guy: So I watched The Godfather last night.
Girl: Was it good?
Guy: It was awesome! It was like a better Grand Theft Auto.

–Metro North

Posted on April 28, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Girls, Guys, Movies, Questions, Trains Not Subway

She’s Not Even the Toughest Woman on Avenue A

30ish girl, looking at twenty-year olds: Are they going on about how old they are? Oh, please.
45ish rocker chick: Yup, they are.
30ish girl: I think I’m older than they are!
45ish: Me too. From the look of things, they’re about the age of my first abortion.
30ish girl: [Chokes on beer.]45ish: Wonder how old that would be now?
30ish girl: Please stop.

–Double Down, Ave A

Overheard by: Happygirl

Posted on April 28, 2008
Abortion, Age/Aging, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Offers and requests, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Hey Kid, Stop Being Black on the Subway!

Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see white people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

–C Train

Overheard by: Noelle

Posted on April 27, 2008
Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, Latinos, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Race, Strangers

Compare/Contrast

Hey Kid, Stop Being Black on the Subway!