Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back

Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"

–Lower East Side

Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Overheard by: must not have liked you

Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Dayn

Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Overheard by: can I come to that party?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head.

–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Jazz

Posted on February 11, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Bimbettes, Biotechs, BJs, Black People, Body Parts, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Dreams, Gadgets, Girls, Guys, Hand-Jobs, Handicaps, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Lower East Side, Museum of Natural History, Nicknames & name calling, Nostalgia, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Smoking, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires, Women

The One Sentence Guide to Williamsburg

Indie girl: Defeatism is my Friendster.

–2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz

Posted on February 10, 2019
Friendship, Girls, Manhattan

In the Sense That I Eat the Oatmeal

Teen girl #1, about nearby Shoot the Freak booth: So, what is it — some kind of set-up or something? Like, it’s not a real freak, right?
Teen girl #2: No, it’s a real guy. Want to go see?
Teen girl #1: No! I’m a Quaker!

–Coney Island

Posted on January 31, 2019
Christianity, Coney Island, Default, Girls, Questions, Teens, Violence

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You're welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don't give him your number. He's got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn't have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I'm sorry, I've just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Posted on January 30, 2019
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Astoria, Battery Park, Brooklyn, Friends, Friendship, Girls, God, Guys, Insults, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Promiscuity, Relationships, Science, Sex, STDs, Street, Suits, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Gotta Watch ‘Em Every Minute During the Terrible Twos

Concert girl #1: You totally missed it.
Concert girl #2: Missed what?
Concert girl #1: You know those girls that were really drunk and dancing in front of us? Well, they ended up taking their clothes off…

–Brooklyn

Posted on January 28, 2019
Brooklyn, Default, Girls, Nudity

I'm Not Going to Detroit to Find Out

Girl: I mean, which came first, “Ford,” or “affordable”?
Guy: Uh, “affordable,” I think.
Girl: Are you sure?

–L Train

Posted on January 26, 2019
Girls, Guys, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Words

Actually They’re Named For the 80’s Girl Group

New York girl: Wait, who are the Bengals?
Cincinnati girl: Our football team
New York girl: Wow, that sucks, to be named after a kind of bracelet.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: leilah

Posted on January 25, 2019
Columbia University, Comebacks, Football, Girls, Students, Talking/Convos, Tourists

Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now

Girl: So I’m finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it’s going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don’t let him leave.

–A train

Overheard by: cave man style

Posted on January 25, 2019
Advice, Celebrations/Parties, Dads, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, On the Subway, Parents, People, Places, Topics, Violence

Wednesday One-Liners Looked Better in the Previews

Husky unshaved guy to younger girlfriend: You mean you never saw Animal House? You're not human!

–Lower West Side

Thug to another: Jabba the Hutt? That's like some Tony Soprano shit, nigga. And the spices? That's drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & University

Overheard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My English teacher said Precious is "whack."

–City Cinemas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bulgarian professor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It's very funny, right?

–NYU

Overheard by: really glad I got up before 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, after that movie, I'm gonna think all adopted kids are evil dwarfs with a hormone imbalance.

–Columbus Circle

Posted on January 24, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Drugs, Film, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Handicaps, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Movie Theaters, Movies, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Street, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Thugs, TV, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

All the Nerd-Boys in Earshot Had a Simultaneous Moment in Their Pants

Cute nerd-girl playing scrabble #1: Did you see that episode where Data made a daughter? It was so good, and so sad!
Cute nerd-girl playing scrabble #2: Yeah, it was.
Cute nerd #1: And do you remember the episode when the little boy idolized data…
Cute nerd #2 interrupting: I remember all the episodes.
Cute nerd #1: But there was this one scene…
Cute nerd #2: I remember that scene.
Cute nerd #1: But I didn’t finish…
Cute nerd #2: I remember all the scenes. Seriously. There was one time when my friend was flipping channels, and she flipped to Star Trek. And I only saw like, a quarter of a second of it, with Dr Crusher bending over a patient, and I said, “‘his blood is turning to some kind of liquid polymer.'” and then Dr Crusher said, “His blood is turning to some kind of liquid polymer!” It’s like when some people hear like 3 seconds of a song and can identify it. I can do that with Star Trek.

–Starbucks, 2nd & 9th

Posted on January 14, 2019
Always Bringing it Back to You!, Compliments, Default, Girls, Nerds, Questions, Starbucks, TV, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Girls