Tourist woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where the garden is?
Bored looking suit: Ma'am, this is a stadium.
Tourist woman: You asswipe, I can see that, I'm asking where the garden is!
Bored looking suit: Lady… Look, I'm not going to lie to you. It's two blocks down.
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Joel Moore
Young man to friend: So, about your girlfriend…I think she and I should fuck.
–Union Square West & 16th St
Street hawker selling datebooks: Wanna cheat on your husband? Plan it out! Get a daily planner, write it in red!
–Herald Square
Overheard by: MPW
Hipster teen girl to friend: Dude, don't worry about it. Whenever I want guys to cheat on their girlfriends with me I always just take off my pants and start singing Afroman.
–Mulberry St
Chick to friends: Seriously, it's a full-on dating service for married people. (pause) Like, adulterers.
–Broadway & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Chuckles
Guy to another: Have you been cheating a lot? Does she know you're gay?
–6 Train
Hobo: So would all unhappily married women please step forward? I know there are some unhappily married women out there, and I'm willing to satisfy your needs. (pause) I know you're out there!
–Times Square
Overheard by: John
Announcer guy: Hey girl, I love your face. And Charmin loves the other end!
–Charmin NYC Restrooms, Times Square
Overheard by: Nathan
Drunk boyfriend: Thanksgiving is over, and so is our love!
–Grand & Leonard, Williamsburg
Overheard by: fanny
Subway busker, about next song: This is not a love song. The reason that this is not a love song is because I don't like her anymore.
–Time Square
Philosophy professor on last day of class: If you love something, set it free. And if it flies away, run after it and kill it.
–City College
Overheard by: Dan Lurie
20-something guy to friend sharing iPod with him: I would do anything to live there…I would pretend to be in love.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: dallas
Woman on cell: I will skin and tar you. (pause) Oh, I love you!
–W Broadway & W 3rd St
Recorded voice: Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed by train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient.
Grumpy old man, to self: That's a lie. There's no train ahead of us.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Lady to mobile salesman: I know you went to the back to speak to the manager, don't lie to me.
Salesman: Actually, I went to the back to take a shit.
Lady: I hope you don't shit for a week.
–Brighton Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: nikki
Headline by: Jonny-G
Runners-Up:
· “First Rule Of Sales: The Customer Is Your Friend, Not Your Enema” – Vasyl
· “Great! How Am I Supposed to Overshare with Customers Now?” – beans
· “He’s Glad He Didn’t Tell the Truth That He Had Sex Back There” – Deborah
· “I’ll Save It Up, Just for You” – Keith
· “The Ancient New York Curse” – Natalie
· “The Gypsies Were Getting Lazy with Their Curses” – my other comment is witty
Girl on cell: I would have had to study way a lot more to do better on that exam.
–72nd St & Broadway
Student: I cheated on every test in that class…I even cheated on the survey!
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Guy: I can't decide which song to listen to. (girls around him look at him quizzically) No, I normally listen to Van Halen's Right Now before a test, but this is my first exam in law school, and I want to set a precedent.
–Fordham Law School Cafeteria, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: pumpkin
Guy on phone: Yeah, normally in these situations I'd knock on my head, but I need my brain for the test today, so I'm not going to pretend it's wood.
–Ditmars & 31st St
Overheard by: Natalie
Student on phone: So what? I don't care that they're mad at me for getting pregnant again. I've got bigger things to deal with…two finals in one day.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Proctor: Okay, now don't leave any of the answers blank, cause it will be wrong. If you don't know, take a guess. It's like lotto: "Hey, you never know."
–New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene
Overheard by: Kristina
Guy on cell: I'm walking to my room from breakfast. Then I'm going to take a dump. Then I'm going downstairs.
–Hallway, Marriott Courtyard Hotel
Barista walking in, to no one in particular: Unfortunately, I'm here.
–Starbucks, Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Robert
Lost tourist: We are stuck here in the middle of Times Square!
–Rockefeller Center
NYU girl on phone: Hello? No. No, I can't meet you. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the West Village. You know how the streets there get weird? I have no idea where I am. I've been wandering around for hours and I don't know if I'll ever make it back, ever! No, don't try to find me, I haven't seen any street signs in ages. Okay, see you tomorrow…maybe not.
–Union Square
Loud black drag queen yelling into cell: Bitch, don't play with me! I know where you at!
(pause) Where you at?
–34th St & 8th Ave
Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.
–49th & 6th
Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.
–Church St & Barclay
Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson
Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.
–19th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.
–6th Ave & 17th St
Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.
–N Train
Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"
–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Girl: So yeah, that was the most interesting lesbian relationship I've ever had, but she left me for her old science teacher. At least you know where you stand with guys. (sighs)
–Macy's
Overheard by: Nathan
Suit nearing retirement, to his department: Did you ever think that Hilary Clinton just has to be a lesbian?
–Office, Midtown West
Man: I noticed I get checked out the most by women when I'm with a woman, so I started hanging around with lesbians and now we pick up women together.
–1 Train
Hobo, to no one in particular: I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian. From Hoboken.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Eric
Crazy hobo: Hillary invented the lesbian vote. There was no lesbian vote before Hillary, she created it! Thirty million lesbians all lined up to vote, and you know what you have to do to get the lesbian vote? You've gotta squeeze it. You have to squeeze the lesbian. How do you get orange juice? You squeeze it! You gotta squeeze the lesbian to get the vote!
–E Train
Overheard by: an unsqueezed lesbian
Angry woman on cell: No, I'm not doing the lesbian thing tonight. No. I'll be home soon.
–Outside Lesbian Bar, Hudson St
Overheard by: lady
Cigarette-bearing mom with raspy voice: Honey, do you want to come with me to get an iced tea?
Five-year old son: Yeah!
Cigarette-bearing mom with raspy voice: No, I was kidding…I'm getting cigarettes.
–129th St, Rockaway
Overheard by: Robert
