Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico

Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"

–G Train

Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame

Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.

–Tram to Roosevelt Island

Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!

–38th & 2nd Ave

Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.

–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.

Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.

–43rd St between Madison & 5th

Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.

–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch

Overheard by: Jason

Posted on February 23, 2023
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Customers, Drag queens, Food, Girls, Gripes, Holidays, Kids, Library, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Music, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Race, Religion, Store, Street, Students, Suits, The Village, U.S. Geography, Words, Yeaaahhh College!

To Help Her Resist the Make-up Sex

20-something Puerto Rican on cell: We're walking to the court right now. Yeah, he is an asshole, she's gonna get an order of protection.
20-something black woman, yelling: Yeah, I am tired of his violent shit!
20-something Puerto Rican: Uh-huh, but we're gonna get a patty first. She's hungry.

–Jamaica Ave & 153rd St, Queens

Overheard by: walking to court

Posted on February 12, 2023
Black People, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, On Cell, Puerto Ricans, Queens, Violence

We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know–for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian!

–19th & 6th

Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.

–Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA

Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff–but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.

–20th & 5th

Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis!

–Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Posted on February 10, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Handicaps, Height, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Lawyers, MoMA, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Shopping, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Met, Tourists, Visual Art, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

One Liners from the Legitimate Wednesday

Student, about her play: I want the audience to enter through the vagina before they sit down.

–NYU

Guy to younger girl, at intermission of Spring Awakening, right after sex scene: So you had to choose this? We couldn't have gone to see The Little Mermaid?

–Eugene O'Neill Theatre

College student: …exactly how you'd expect a college rendition of The Vagina Monologues to go.

–NYU

Black guy on cell: It doesn't mean I'm gay because I'm going to see a play. (pause) It's for a class… There's nothing wrong with wanting to see a play.

–Union Square

Overheard by: erkala

20-something guy to friend: Picture it; Fishsticks: the musicical!

–63rd St & Broadway

Posted on February 8, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Disney, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Sexuality, Students, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Clearest Explanation of Scientology To-Date

Girl on cell: It would be like if you made a robot with the sole purpose of killing someone you didn’t like. It wouldn’t be the robot’s fault that it killed the person, it would be your fault, because you built the robot. Unless, of course, somehow the robot had a mind of its own.

–63rd & Lex

Overheard by: Zglass

Posted on February 6, 2023
On Cell, Philosophy, Upper East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

Posted on January 17, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, City College, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Education, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Latinos, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Smoking, Stab, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suicide, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Waitresses, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Say It, But They Don’t Really Mean It

Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you’re not a hipster! … I’m sorry I said that.

–New School University

Overheard by: smoon

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I’d really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away].

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Conservatively-dressed lady: I’m so sorry! My birth canal was showing!

–Atlantic Ave & Clinton St

Overheard by: amalthya & schizo

Dude on cell: I didn’t know you wanted to become priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! … Sorry man, I didn’t mean it like that…

–Union Square

Man on cell: I’m sorry, but I’m in New Jersey right now… When? Okay, Monday night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word.

–M14 bus, Ave A

Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you — it was so not worth the effort.

–47-50 Rockefeller Center train station

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Posted on January 10, 2023
Hobos, Liars, Lies, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Queer guys, Suits, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-liners Are Unclean…Unclean!

Girl: I can assure you…that at my apartment…there will be soap!

–39th & 6th

Posted on January 6, 2023
Body Parts, Brooklyn, Central Park, Dating, Fashion, Getting Off, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Manhattan, Masturbation, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Suits, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers

Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, ‘Partly sunny.’ Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, ‘Party cloudy.’ They’re all different.

–NYU residence hall, Lafayette St

Overheard by: Rusty V

Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of

Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.

–Hamilton Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: alex

High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn’t rain… I don’t know, I haven’t read that far yet.

–Spring St

Overheard by: Dan

Suit on cell: It’s raining like a whore!

–Penn Station

Posted on December 23, 2022
Girls, On Cell, Penn Station, Suits, Upper East Side, Weather

You Complete Me, Wednesday One-Liners

Blonde coed: After he finished yelling at me for a solid ten minutes, he's like, "So, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: simon

Middle school girl to boy: I don't normally get with sixth graders, but you're different…

–10th St & 1st Ave

Woman on cell: You are not listening to me. (pause) When you say whatever it is you're bitching about', I know that you are not actually listening to me.

–Riverside Park

Guy on cell: I don't treat you quite as bad as you say.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Flooey

Boyfriend, about girlfriend enthusiastically cheering on Colbert: Why don't you scream like that for me?

–The Colbert Report Set

Party girl to friend: So I asked my priest, and he said "I think you should see other people."

–Park Ave & 29th St

Overheard by: petey

Posted on December 22, 2022
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Christianity, Compliments, Elementary & Middle School, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, School and studying, Students, Trains Not Subway, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

On Cell