Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade."

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on September 11, 2021
Abortion, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Education, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Jews, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Subway conductors, Trains Not Subway, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?

Posted on August 26, 2021
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Black People, Brooklyn College, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guidos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-liners by Peter

Suit: My dick was totally in one hand pissing while I was talking to the client.

–48th & Madison

Posted on August 23, 2021
Anger Management, Backdoor, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Elevators, Empire State Building, Food, Getting Off, Ghetto Chicks, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Poop, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog owner to another: Dogs are funny. They're like little retarded kids.

–Tompkins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Debbie downer to Debbie Down Syndrome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Timo Lipping

Dad: I thought she would like Carolina, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, "I liked the schools… But everyone there seemed slightly retarded."

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Johnny V.

Southern woman who just ran NYC marathon to Southern friend: Well, we can't have a baby now because it would be retarded… because I'm 35, you know?

–Becco Restaurant, Theater District

Overheard by: mersayseh

Posted on August 12, 2021
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Athletes, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Education, Friends, Guys, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Restaurants & Cafes, Retardation, Southerners, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

A Smorgashboard Of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to man: I know! I don't fry anything. I don't even fry my food anymore.

–47th & 6th

Overheard by: A very disturbed Newsbunny

Old Jewish woman to husband holding restaurant leftovers: It's a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Israel!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: What a waste!

Preppy guy: At least *I'm* not the one molesting fictional cereal pitchmen.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl on cell, talking loudly: I don't know what I want, but whatever I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Preppy girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Female new student to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole burrito-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Catie

Posted on July 29, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Couples, Ethnic Food, Food, Girls, Harassment, Insults, Jews, Judaism, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Penis, Preppies, Questions, School and studying, Students, The Village, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Ironic War Is the Best Kind

Woman on cell: Yeah, the kitty pushes the others around. He’s a real tyrant… Uh-huh. Guess what she named him: Osama.

–Central Park

Posted on July 21, 2021
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Man's Best Friend, National Security, On Cell, Politics, We Love Our Pets

Wednesday One-liners Get There Somehow

Drunk guy on cell: We’re going to the Lower East Side. You can’t miss me–I’m in a rickshaw!

–2nd Avenue & 4th Street

Posted on July 15, 2021
Drunks, NYC Geography, On Cell, One-liners, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village

You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Posted on June 26, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brits, Chinatown, College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Dads, Dating, Fat People, Friends, Guys, Incest, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Store, Students, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex