Wednesday Pun-Liners

Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!

–History Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.

–26th & Park

Overheard by: absnola

Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?

–St. James Theater

Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)

–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th

Overheard by: Joe

Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.

–Deli, Union Square

Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.

–Ninja, Hudson St

Posted on July 9, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bank, Black People, Bronx Science, Classroom, Delis, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Food, Guys, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Waiters, Women, Words

Joan Rivers: Can We Wednesday One-Liner?

Suit on cell: So what does he think, he’s going to, like, eat scrambled eggs with these people and then they’ll sit down and talk about it?

–Shore Road, Brooklyn

Yankee fan: So, we was talkin’ to him and we was all like: "Let’s go to a bar!" And he was all like: "I like poetry" so the guys pretty much ditched him, so I was left with ‘im, and had to talk about his feelings and shit. It sucked.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: I like poetry.

Religious flier nut to friend: We can’t talk about that out here because then they’ll know what we’re about.

–Delancey and Ludlow

Overheard by: Adrienne

Student (shouting): Okay, everyone: I’m doing this whole "day of silence" business so none of you better talk to me! I’m not supposed to say anything and I will be so pissed if anyone of you trick me into talking!

–Millennium High School

Overheard by: I’m staying silent…

Hysterical teenage girl on bus: Well, maybe you should have talked about it before you conceived me!

–M34 Bus

Overheard by: nina

Curly-haired chick on cell: I’m glad I can talk to you about my pubes with such ease.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Etiquette, Fast Times at New York High, Fears, Flyer people, Food, Friendship, Girls, God Squad, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Leisure, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Questions, Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium

Color-Coordinated Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.

–House Party, Lorimer St

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they’re all called Renae.

–Central Park

Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn’t one of them.

–90th & 1st

Overheard by: Sam

Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.

–Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown

Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.

–B1 Bus

Overheard by: Robert

Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.

–42nd St

Posted on July 2, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Depressed, Food, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Grocery Stores, Hair, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Queer guys, Store, Suits, Upper East Side, Women

…No Disrespect

(Guy wearing laminated sign bearing photo of the 9/11 commission report approaches shopper)
Signboard guy: Excuse me, are you a registered voter in New York?
Middle-aged man in suit: Yes.
Signboard guy: We are trying to gather signatures to have the 9/11 commission reopened.
Middle-aged man: You’re a fucking asshole from hell!

–Associated Store, 14th St & 1st Ave

Posted on July 1, 2008
Activists, Default, Guys, Insults, Men, Offers and requests, Politics, Suits, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bust a Cap in Your Ass

Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don’t know that.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Two Fingaz

Dude: You’re starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad’s video.

–Inwood

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Latina teenager to friend: I don’t know why we can’t be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let’s have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!

–Rush Hour, L Train

Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I’ve got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.

–32nd & 6th

Overheard by: sromeo

Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn’t even call up to find out if I was dead."

–126th & Lenox

Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Rent Controlled

Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don’t understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.

–6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope

Posted on June 25, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Latinos, Men, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Pee, Shoot, Stupidity, Suits, Teens, Threats, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weapons, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven

Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!

–2 Train Platform, Wall Street

Overheard by: Gin in Tonic

Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Withnail

Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.

–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum

Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.

–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: sometimesdee

Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!

–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!

–34th St

Overheard by: Chloe

Posted on June 18, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

How Come Roasting Nuts Aren’t Gross When Nat King Cole Sings About Them?

Male suit: Ugh! What is that smell?
Female suit: It’s from the nut guy.
Male suit: Who?
Female suit: The nut guy. He’s over there selling warm, roasted nuts. He’s nuts for nuts!
Male suit: Oh. Man, it’s freezing out here! I wish someone would roast my nuts!
Female suit: Don’t be gross! There’s kids around!
Male suit: Yeah, what’s up with all these kids? What is up with 5th avenue?
Female suit: I think it’s a school trip. They’re here to see the tree.
Male suit: That’s fucking dumb! Their asses need to be in school!
Female suit: Wow, you’re unpleasant!
Male suit: Screw you! You’re nuts for my nuts!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Juan Chung

Posted on June 13, 2008
Default, Education, Etiquette, Food, Men, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Suits, Women, Words

Otherwise My Stripper Act Just Wasn’t Cohesive

Old suit to magazine stand man: You know, they were going to transfer me to India but they had only one condition.
Stand man: Oh, what was that?
Old suit: I needed a cobra.

–University Place

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on June 12, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Animals & Nature, Default, Fears, Global Geography, Jobs & Careers, Old People, Suits, The Village, Threats

Wednesday One-Liners (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)

Suit: Do you know what it’s like when you’re reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking?

–Astor Place & Lafayette

Overheard by: that’s a problem?

Woman to dinner companion: I think I’d like to get into flagellation porn. I’m not really sure how to go about it though.

–Ludlow & Broome

Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it’s straight porn!

–Bleecker & W 10th

Overheard by: Deontology

Guy: I wouldn’t fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable!

–5 Train

Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us… those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn… Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we’d flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages.

–Religion Class, Hunter College

Overheard by: liza

Posted on June 11, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Classroom, Girls, Guys, Hunter, Internet, Lower East Side, On the Subway, Porn, Questions, S&M, Sexuality, Suits, Teachers/Professors, The Village, TV, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Is That a New Gay Bar in Chelsea?

Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to MoMA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look…
Tourist, indignantly interrupting: No, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. You don’t want to answer, you say “I don’t know”. All you New Yorkers are a bunch of cock-sucking assholes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]Bystander to tourist: Where did you learn to do that?
Tourist: The Midwest.

–Outside the Guggenheim

Overheard by: Ehem.

Posted on June 7, 2008
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Directions, Etiquette, Midwesterners, Offers and requests, Only in New York, Questions, Strangers, Suits, Tourism, U.S. Geography

Suits