Not Another Teen Wednesday One-Liner

High school girl: She banged some dude with no condom during her period, then she blew another guy after the basketball game.

–Panera, Queens

Overheard by: NBG1

Teen: My health teacher always yells at me for being late. Shouldn't she be, like, sustaining my self-esteem?

–Green Apple Cafe

Overheard by: Julie

Hippie teenager leaving bathroom: When I see you all later, I will not have any idea who the hell you are!

–Nokia Theater, Times Square

Overheard by: dan

Teenage girl to cute guy, after spitting on door window: I have a bad habit of spittin'.

–E Train

Overheard by: MrsBall

Teenager to crying little brother: Shut up! Stop it or I'll take away your ShamWow!

–Times Square

Overheard by: JYC

Teenage boy on cell: I won't cock-block! (pause) I won't cock-block!

–E 77th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Steve G

Posted on June 17, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brothers, Cleanliness, Condoms, Crying, Girls, Guys, Hippies, Hook Ups, Menstruation, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Psychology, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Smegma, Sorority Girls, Sports, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Theater, Threats, Time, Times Square, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Raise Your Hand If You Still Know the Theme Song

Tween #1: Susan Sarandon…why do I know that name?
Tween #2: Wasn't she on Step by Step?
Tween #1: Oh my god, I loved that show!

–The Barrymore Theatre, where Susan Sarandon Stars in Exit The King

Posted on June 13, 2009
About Celebrities, Names, Questions, Theater, TV, Tweens

She'll Be the Next Huge Disney Star?

Mother: I'm not very up to date on things like this, but I'm 90% sure that Alec Baldwin is not a Jonas Brother.
Father: Yeah, well…she was naked and she talked funny, so that tells you something.

–Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Fiona

Posted on June 11, 2009
About Celebrities, Dads, Moms, Music, Nudity, Theater

Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser

Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.

–W 72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith

Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!

–Broome & Essex

Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.

–Starbucks

Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?

–27th & Broadway

Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?

–Bowery

Overheard by: Lauren

Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)

–53rd St & 10th Ave

Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!

–Carnegie Hall

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Shoot, Smoking, Starbucks, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Wishes & desires, Women

Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?

Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.

–Uptown 2 Train

Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: charlotte

Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.

–82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Karyn

Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Asshole, Backdoor, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Death, Drag queens, Drugs, Elevators, Girls, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, Teens, Theater, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please

Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I…I'm…near the bathroom!

–Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: near the computer

Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.

–Women's Bathroom, Hunter College

Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: matt

Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!

–Ladies Room, LIRR

Overheard by: BK

Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.

–Men's Room, Billy Elliott

Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!

–Men's Room, McDonald's

Posted on May 20, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Black People, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Height, Lies, Men, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Singing, Store, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Browsing

Flamboyant foreigner: I changed my MySpace to say I like girls.

–Washington Square Park

Suit on cell: I'm gonna twitter my fucking ass off tonight.

–City Hall

Overheard by: Samantha Sharifi

Girl on cell: Do they not have people in the US that follow the Blue Book? They have to get some guy from Oxford butt fuck to do it? It's so annoying. It's so annoying! Like, I want to take a strap on and fuck my computer. Well, not my computer, but the guy's computer, for having done this to me.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Middle aged African American woman to group of friends: I'm going on MySpace to comment that she abandoned her child!

–8th Ave & 42nd St

Businesswoman to friend: I just like having a family, you know? And you can't get that on Craigslist.

–33rd St.

Overheard by: Rio

High school girl with iPod: Do you think this church has Wi-Fi?

–St. Paul's Catholic Church

Posted on May 20, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Church, Computer, Dildos and Vibrators, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Insults, Internet, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Myspace, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sex, Sexuality, Sorority Girls, Street, Suits, Theater, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Why Bands Break Up: Explained

Band member #1: I'm feeling a little like Calvin and Hobbes with this cardboard time machine here.
Band member #2: I don't know what you're talking about.

–Ars Nova, W 54th St

Overheard by: Emily B.