If Only the Production Crew Of The Hills Could Do This

Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?
20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?
(long pause)
Hyper teenage blonde: No?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say

Posted on January 10, 2016
Bitch-slap, Family Ties, Girls, Questions, Sisters, Teens, Threats, Time, Times Square, Weirdness

This Just In: Jackson Daughter’s Move to Iran Has Unintended Consequences

Preppy girl: So, like, Salman Rushdie had to move to America because that guy issued this fatwa thing against him.
Hipster guy: You mean the Ayatollah?
Preppy girl: I think it’s pronounced “aya-toy-a.”
Hipster guy: Ummm…Yeah, if he were Spanish!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: not an Ivy-Leaguer

Posted on December 23, 2015
About Celebrities, Books & Writing, Columbia (& Barnard), Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Hipsters, Idiots, Languages, Politics, Preppies, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Threats

One Day the Electoral Process Will Be Replaced by Ultimate Fighting

Little thug #1: Obama ain't takin' no shit. He'll be at the United Nations and shit, runnin' up on them niggas, talkin' “Yo! You a-rab terrissas and shit best not be fuckin' with us! And make that oil cheaper, niggas, cause I ain't about spending no three dollars for fuckin' gas!”
Little thug #2: Yeah, and what if they say, “fuck you nigga,” what then?
Little thug #1: Then Obama is gonna get all Rodney King on they ass! He'll be all, “Wham! Wham! I'll teach you niggas to fuck with the black President!”

–Times Square

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on December 7, 2015
Insults, Money & Class, President, Race, Threats, Thugs, Times Square, Violence

You'll Understand When You Have Wednesday One-Liners

Frazzled mother to young child: Hurry. Hurry. Look, the monster is going to get you if you don't walk faster!

–Queens Mall

Mother to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chicken, I'll give you a raisin.

–College Point Shopping Center

Overheard by: Yesenia

Mom speaking to son: Sweetie, do I look like a eggbeater?

–Waterside Plaza

Woman on bus to child with large hearing aid: Sit down properly! Are you listening to me?

–M23 Bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Mother to whiny toddler: I can't listen to you anymore! I fear for both of us.

–15th St & University Place

Overheard by: Sarah M.

Posted on November 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Fears, Food, Fruit, Handicaps, Kids, Malls, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Queens, Threats, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners

Yeah, but They Don’t Eat Much

Woman #1: Why shouldn’t I trust him? Because he’s gay?
Woman #2: No. Because he might be Jeffrey Dahmer.
Woman #1: He might be Jeffrey Dahmer?
Woman #2: Yeah. I just don’t trust anyone.
Woman #1: You’re friends with crackheads!

–N Train

Posted on October 20, 2015
Advice, Crime and Punishment, Default, Drugs, Fears, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, On the Subway, Questions, Threats, Women

Legally Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Send good karma so they’ll hire me to practice law without a license.

–8th Ave.

Lady CO: If y’all don’t shut up and behave, I’m turning off the fan! And y’all stink, remember.

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Jail and Courthouse

Overheard by: Carolina

Posted on October 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, Scents of the City, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

And, of Course, the Cycle of Violence

Little boy: Where are we going, Joseph*?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: I’m your grandpa. If you call me Joseph, I’ll kick your ass.
Little boy: Why?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: It’s about respect.

–9th & 4th station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Glad my grandpas are dead

Posted on October 2, 2015
Family Ties, Kids, Names, Old People, Park Slope, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats

Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners

Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.

–Ellis Island Ferry

Overheard by: land lubber

Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin’s death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Metropolitan Opera

Overheard by: Opera Onlooker

Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you’re not the angel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broadway

Overheard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pretty sure I’m invincible and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madison

Overheard by: kinicke

50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills herself. We just don’t know.

–Barnard College

Posted on October 1, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Church, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Death, Ferry, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Ivy League, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Questions, Religion, Suicide, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Theater, Threats, Tourism, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.

–Herald Square

Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?

–E Houston & Ave D

Overheard by: haha

Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!

–Herald Square

Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Overheard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!

–Fordham & Hoffman

Overheard by: sromeo

Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Steve

Posted on September 29, 2015
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Babies, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Girls, Guys, Lower Manhattan, Money & Class, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Questions, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, The Bronx, Threats, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks

Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don’t want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: 153

Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brodway

Overheard by: Why didn’t I get that pamphlet?!

Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.

–1250 Broadway

Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!

–Waverly & Greene

Professor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet interesting people there!

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: Hopefully not me!

Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don’t you remember the promise you made to god? You’re probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!

–W Train

Overheard by: DR G LUV

Posted on September 18, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazies, Drinks, Fears, Flyer people, Food, Guys, Old People, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Satan, Store, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires, Women

Threats