“Not a Wednesday Was Stirring, Not Even a One-Liner”

Little girl: Daddy! I'm so excited to see the rats!

–Metro-North Rail

20-something guy to friends: He couldn't drink because he was on antibiotics. He got a rat disease from a lab rat that bit him.

–Lincoln Center

Guy to girlfriend: I step on dead rats all the time!

–Mercer St

Overheard by: Julie

20-something girl on cell: The mouse was fed to the snake the night before, so when I saw it the next morning, I freaked.

–R Train

Cop: We had a guy down here eating a rat. I said, "You're a gentleman in society." He put the rat in his mouth.

–South Ferry Subway

Posted on January 20, 2010
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Cops, Dads, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

No Married Person Would Have to Ask

Guy: Why didn't you just leave?
Woman: I wanted to wait for you, idiot.
Guy: But I said you could just go.
Woman: Whatever, dick. This is exactly why I didn't want to go.
Guy: This is why I asked you. Why do you always have to be like this?
Woman: Why did you fucking ask me if you knew I wouldn't want to go?
Guy: Because you're my wife, and that's my family. I just always thought that I could bring my wife to a family party.
Random passenger: Are you two really married? Is that really your wife?
Guy: Yes.

–LIRR, Penn Station

Posted on January 12, 2010
Celebrations/Parties, Family Ties, Guys, Marriage, Nicknames & name calling, Penn Station, Questions, Strangers, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wishes & desires, Women

It's Right Up There with “Who Shot JFK?”

Metro-north conductor: This train has five cars open.
Drunk teenage girl: Your mom has five cars open! Your mom's fellatio lips are open too!
(trio sits in row in front of girl and friend)
Drunk girl: I hate you, don't sit here. We're all going to throw up on you. Why are you still here? No one likes you.
Girl's friend: Why are you so drunk?
Drunk girl: That's something we'll never know.

–Metro-North

Posted on January 7, 2010
Comebacks, Conductors, Drunks, Friends, Gripes, Parents, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Weirdness

Smokey Says, “Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!”

Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"

–Chinatown

African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.

–Midtown

Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Tim

Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Where there's smoke

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chinatown, Colors, Conductors, Ethnic Food, Fire, Friends, Gadgets, Guys, Hard Drugs, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Anatomically-Correct Wednesday One-Liners

Serious guy to another: See these hands? These are my bread and butter!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hi-D

Well-dressed 25-year-old on phone: Yes. (pause) Please spare me the placenta. (pause) Okay, well, as long as it's clean.

–Key Foods

Woman on cell: So, she doesn't think her body is going to be ready by then?

–32nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Publius

Man on cell: I wish I could just take my legs off. That would be so much easier.

–45th St & Ave of the Americas

Loud chick: Yeah, I'm still taking French classes. Last week we did commands, and this week we're learning, like, body parts.

–Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

20-something girl on cell: But I have several heads…

–Metro-North Rail

Three-year-old boy to punk girl in black fishnets, as he pokes though holes: Um… why is your legs trapped?

–Thompkins Square Park

Posted on December 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Education, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Languages, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Punks, Questions, School and studying, Street, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Thin Alcoholics, Though

Waspy girl #1: My mom and I are in a huge fight right now.
Waspy girl #2: Really? That sucks.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, especially because to punish me she's taking me shopping.
Waspy girl #2: What?
Waspy girl #1: We go to all these stores and she makes me try on all these clothes while she makes comments about how fat I'm getting. And then she doesn't buy me anything because according to her I'm a whale.
Waspy girl #2: Wow.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, I know. And people wonder why Wasps tend to be such alcoholics.

–Metro-North Train

Posted on November 23, 2009
Animals & Nature, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Parents, Physical appearance, Race, Shopping, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Got Game

Burly guy in cafe: Mind mapping's not a game. It's a reality.

–Ave A & 11th St

Overheard by: Anna P.

Cop to another: Some people play checkers, some people play chess. You, son, you play checkers.

–New Street & Beaver

Black librarian with dreads: In the game, you gotta give the black girl all your stuff, all your valuable stuff. You give it to her to hold and then you take it from her. That's how you get the trophy.

–Bronx Library

Drunk guy in the cafe car: Listen! Just because I'm white doesn't mean I can't play dominoes!

–Acela Train

Overheard by: Someone who can't play dominoes

Posted on November 18, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Guys, Psychology, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Store, The Bronx, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

New York Only Has a Couple Of Ninjarinas

Asian conductor to ballerina on train carrying scissors, needle and thread: You know, I could confiscate those scissors. Since 9/11 they are really strict.
Ballerina: I'm just sewing my shoes, they're to cut the thread.
Asian conductor: Some of us would just take them. I won't, I'm just warning you. The needle too. There is this place in the neck you could stick the needle and paralyze someone. (walks away)
Ballerina's seatmate: He watches too many ninja movies.

–Metro North

Posted on November 9, 2009
Asians, Conductors, Movies, Passengers, Public Transportation, Shoes, Terrorism, Trains Not Subway, Violence

Wednesday One-Liners Make Your Eyes Water

Young man to another: And I was like, "No, man. A girl ain't supposed to smell like that, yo."

–Broadway & 37th St

Overheard by: glm

Loud Long Island woman to drunk friends: Yeah, I got really used to that smell once he came back from Nepal…

–LIRR

Guy to girl: I don't want to bring home a girl who smells like urine.

–36th & 5th

Hipster 20-something to preteen sister: This does not smell like Costa Rica! (pauses, as though to make sure) 14th Street in New York City does not smell like Costa Rica!

–14th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: David

Man complaining to friend: If she does that one more time… I mean, if that bitch comes home one more time with her breath smelling like some other guy's dick, I swear to fucking god… I'll leave her.

–Times Square

Overheard by: drekdude

Posted on October 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Infidelity, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Sisters, Street, The Village, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Travel, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Is Christopher Walken a Wednesday One-Liner?

Guy in white shirt and tie: So what, so what if the aliens landed in Brooklyn? And they start shooting their guns, their laser guns on the corner, in the candy store? What then? Do we just let them in the shelter?

–John Jay College of Criminal Justice

Crazy guy: I am an alien from outer space! I have crash landed on your planet! This is our language! (saxophone solo)

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Conductor: We will be stopped at the next station for ten minutes. You are not allowed to exit the train, so that means no smoke breaks or bathroom trips. If you do get off of the train you will be abducted by aliens and never heard from again.

–Amtrak Train, Penn station

Overheard by: Madge

Hobo to teen girls: Can you spare some change for a space man? I wanna get drunk later.

–94th St & Broadway

Posted on October 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Conductors, Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Hobos, Instruments, Language Barrier, Music, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Pee, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Smoking, Teens, Threats, Time, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires

Trains Not Subway