Guy: Did you just tell your mom to jam out with her clam out?
Girl: My mom is fuckin awesome, she does keg stands and shit.
–Metro North Rail
Overheard by: John
Little girl: Daddy! I'm so excited to see the rats!
–Metro-North Rail
20-something guy to friends: He couldn't drink because he was on antibiotics. He got a rat disease from a lab rat that bit him.
–Lincoln Center
Guy to girlfriend: I step on dead rats all the time!
–Mercer St
Overheard by: Julie
20-something girl on cell: The mouse was fed to the snake the night before, so when I saw it the next morning, I freaked.
–R Train
Cop: We had a guy down here eating a rat. I said, "You're a gentleman in society." He put the rat in his mouth.
–South Ferry Subway
Guy: Why didn't you just leave?
Woman: I wanted to wait for you, idiot.
Guy: But I said you could just go.
Woman: Whatever, dick. This is exactly why I didn't want to go.
Guy: This is why I asked you. Why do you always have to be like this?
Woman: Why did you fucking ask me if you knew I wouldn't want to go?
Guy: Because you're my wife, and that's my family. I just always thought that I could bring my wife to a family party.
Random passenger: Are you two really married? Is that really your wife?
Guy: Yes.
–LIRR, Penn Station
Metro-north conductor: This train has five cars open.
Drunk teenage girl: Your mom has five cars open! Your mom's fellatio lips are open too!
(trio sits in row in front of girl and friend)
Drunk girl: I hate you, don't sit here. We're all going to throw up on you. Why are you still here? No one likes you.
Girl's friend: Why are you so drunk?
Drunk girl: That's something we'll never know.
–Metro-North
Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"
–Chinatown
African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.
–Midtown
Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.
–Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Tim
Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Where there's smoke
Serious guy to another: See these hands? These are my bread and butter!
–Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Hi-D
Well-dressed 25-year-old on phone: Yes. (pause) Please spare me the placenta. (pause) Okay, well, as long as it's clean.
–Key Foods
Woman on cell: So, she doesn't think her body is going to be ready by then?
–32nd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Publius
Man on cell: I wish I could just take my legs off. That would be so much easier.
–45th St & Ave of the Americas
Loud chick: Yeah, I'm still taking French classes. Last week we did commands, and this week we're learning, like, body parts.
–Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
20-something girl on cell: But I have several heads…
–Metro-North Rail
Three-year-old boy to punk girl in black fishnets, as he pokes though holes: Um… why is your legs trapped?
–Thompkins Square Park
Waspy girl #1: My mom and I are in a huge fight right now.
Waspy girl #2: Really? That sucks.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, especially because to punish me she's taking me shopping.
Waspy girl #2: What?
Waspy girl #1: We go to all these stores and she makes me try on all these clothes while she makes comments about how fat I'm getting. And then she doesn't buy me anything because according to her I'm a whale.
Waspy girl #2: Wow.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, I know. And people wonder why Wasps tend to be such alcoholics.
–Metro-North Train
Burly guy in cafe: Mind mapping's not a game. It's a reality.
–Ave A & 11th St
Overheard by: Anna P.
Cop to another: Some people play checkers, some people play chess. You, son, you play checkers.
–New Street & Beaver
Black librarian with dreads: In the game, you gotta give the black girl all your stuff, all your valuable stuff. You give it to her to hold and then you take it from her. That's how you get the trophy.
–Bronx Library
Drunk guy in the cafe car: Listen! Just because I'm white doesn't mean I can't play dominoes!
–Acela Train
Overheard by: Someone who can't play dominoes
Asian conductor to ballerina on train carrying scissors, needle and thread: You know, I could confiscate those scissors. Since 9/11 they are really strict.
Ballerina: I'm just sewing my shoes, they're to cut the thread.
Asian conductor: Some of us would just take them. I won't, I'm just warning you. The needle too. There is this place in the neck you could stick the needle and paralyze someone. (walks away)
Ballerina's seatmate: He watches too many ninja movies.
–Metro North
Young man to another: And I was like, "No, man. A girl ain't supposed to smell like that, yo."
–Broadway & 37th St
Overheard by: glm
Loud Long Island woman to drunk friends: Yeah, I got really used to that smell once he came back from Nepal…
–LIRR
Guy to girl: I don't want to bring home a girl who smells like urine.
–36th & 5th
Hipster 20-something to preteen sister: This does not smell like Costa Rica! (pauses, as though to make sure) 14th Street in New York City does not smell like Costa Rica!
–14th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: David
Man complaining to friend: If she does that one more time… I mean, if that bitch comes home one more time with her breath smelling like some other guy's dick, I swear to fucking god… I'll leave her.
–Times Square
Overheard by: drekdude
