Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Posted on August 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Battery Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fire, Gays and Lesbians, Grand Central, Kids, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Penn Station, Poop, Sensory Experiences, Street, Suits, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liner's Last Dance with Mary Jane

Professor: We will talk about the JDC–the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.

–Queens College

Overheard by: ShaniP

Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: penelope

Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rhian

College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!

–Time Square

Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagster

Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags… (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mary jane

Posted on August 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Food, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, JAPs, Knock-Offs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Queens, Queens College, School and studying, Strangers, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness

Who Says Life's No Picnic for New Yorkers?

Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver to woman with pizza: Lemme…uh…have that pizza. (woman smiles awkwardly, thinking it's a joke) I wasn't kidding. Lemme have that pizza. (woman holding a bag of cookies gets on bus with child)
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver: Oh, lemme just…uh uh…have one of these…uh uh…cookies. (takes cookie)
Small Asian woman (taken aback and extremely confused): What? You can't take these.
(bus driver stuffs cookie in mouth and ignores woman)
(later)
Bus driver, on PA: Lady, these are some good cookies.

–Uptown Bus to Met from Port Authority

Posted on August 13, 2015
Asians, Bus Drivers, Food, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Pizza, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Crank the Woofers

Suit: So what you really need to do is put together a social networking site for dogs.

–Barfly, 20th & 3rd

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Woman: I swear, my parents are only coming to visit so they can see my dog. Honest!

–Searchlight, 11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Conductor: Will the man with the small dog in the plastic bag please leave the train. That is not a safe way to be transporting a dog. Thank you.

–Bay Head Train

Guy riding past on a bike, yelling into his cell: Baby! If the dog is talking, that means one of two things…

–24th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: But it's not just any day of the year! It's Yom Kippur! (listens) Fuck you, Dave! Fuck you, and fuck your dog!

–Prince St

Overheard by: elle

Woman in elevator on cell (coming from attorney's office): You won't believe what he did! First he staged photos of me in bed with a dog. Then I turn the page and it's me in bed with my next door neighbor!

–Vesey St

Posted on August 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Conductors, Elevators, Insults, Internet, Judaism, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Pictures, Public Transportation, Sex, Soho, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

There Are No Small Wednesdays– Only Small One-Liners.

Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!

–72nd & Columbus

Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.

–Victoria's Secret

Overheard by: Emm

Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: TheMac

Posted on August 12, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Friendship, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Instruments, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Store, Strangers, Strippers, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

Butt Fetishists Can Be So Dramatic.

Woman: But no one will take care of me!
Man: Don't worry baby, I know where the crack is.
Woman, excitedly: You do!

–29th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Mama B

Posted on August 12, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friendship, Men, Relationships, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday Pick-Up-Liners

Guy, bumping into girlfriend as bus lurches: Sorry baby, that’s gravity. I can’t help it, I’m physically attracted to you.

–M116 Bus

Overheard by: I hate the bus

Construction worker hitting on young girl: Hey baby, you are too cute to be so pretty!

–Allen & East Houston

Black bag seller to passerby: Hey sweetheart, you wanna buy a bag today? I’ll tell you what, you buy a bag and I’ll give you my number for free.

–33rd & Broadway

Man to teenage girls: Do you and your friends like to wrestle? I swear to god I could take you all.

–Times Square

Overheard by: yearbookie

Homie to friends: They say in the old days you couldn’t even holler at a woman cause she wouldn’t answer you.

–South Williamsburg

Overheard by: DanielXY

Homeless man to cute passerby: Nice knees.

–Central Park

Posted on August 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Construction Guys, Friends, Gender issues, History & Geography, Hobos, Love, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nice People, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Orgy, Parks, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Relationships, Shopping, Street, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Williamsburg

What? I Read Lips.

Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk)
Drunk ass guy #2: What?
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk again)
Drunk ass guy #2: I can't hear you…I have a lazy eye!

–Gym Bar, Chelsea

Posted on August 11, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Questions, Weirdness

In Cracker-Speak, That’s ‘In Need of Exfoliation and Moisturizer’

Bewildered white woman: What? What’s “ashy”?
Put-Upon black woman: “Ashy”? You don’t know what “ashy” means? Like, “That crackhead is ashy”?

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: gloria

Posted on August 10, 2015
Stupidity, The Village, Weirdness, Women, Words

Weirdness