Women

“Young Adult” Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.

–Joralemon & Court

Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Chuckell

Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!

–B7 Bus

Overheard by: i know, i love it too…

Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jason B

Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!

–Manhattan Office

Meet the Guy Who Makes the Subway Doors Open

Crazy ranting black guy: My divinity is hot… my arrows can block the clouds. I wanna be the Imperial Leader for all time. My lizards will rule everyone. If y'all do what I say, things'll be fine.
Annoyed black lady, as he continues ranting: Whatever they gave him, it was too much. Oh my god! Why we gotta deal with this shit? Economic crisis and all, and still gotta deal with crazy people!
Crazy ranting black guy: Son, I open doors. Try to clap your heels three times and open doors like me–you can't do it! In prison, in the hood…
Annoyed black lady, now yelling: Why pick a train? Why not go to the hood like you say? Go to wherever you started that shit and deal. You need a therapist for real!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tigertail

…It Took Me Years in Therapy to Learn to Say That.

Disembodied gruff voice: Don't worry, people! Just give up and accept defeat.
Random woman: That's right. (a few seconds later) I accept my feet.

–Astor Place

It Is My Crowing Achievement to Date.

Male Mets fan, when Tatis is at bat: Let's go, titties!
Female Mets fan: My son calls him that, ever since he heard a fan scream that at him last year at Shea. He goes, “titties, titties!”
Male Mets fan: Yeah, that was me!

–Citi Field Stadium

Overheard by: major

A Gay Guy Would Just Do It

Man: If I call you “honey” it's sexual harassment. If he says it, it's okay because he's gay.
Woman: “Honey” is nothing when you keep asking to feel my boobs.

–47th St & Broadway

Leave It to New Yorkers to Get to the Core Of an Issue

Barefoot hobo: World War II was the best day of my life til my big sista was born in 1812. That was them Spaniard War… (silence, then in a really loud voice) Dammit, who stole my chicken?
Nervous white woman to friend, whispering: That's what happens when you send your kids to public school… (a minute later) Did he even have chicken?

–F Train

Moral Of the Story: Don't Go to Brooklyn.

(train stops late at night, conductor orders everyone out)
30-something man with large black coat on: This is why I drive drunk! This is why I drive drunk! Because the trains suck! This is why I drive drunk!
20-something woman in heels: This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk! This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk!
30-something man: This is why I drive drunk! Fuck this train!
20-something woman: You tell them, uncle! You tell them!

–L Train

Wednesday One-Liners Get Ready to Rummmmbbbble

10-year old son to father: I'm going to punch you in the penis!

–Hudson & Desbrosses

Woman to 4-year-old: I do what I have to do to get things done. I'll even break some legs.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Girl to friend, sounding genuinely ecstatic: Yeah, he kneed me in the thigh, it was awesome.

–West Village

Woman on cell: Did you try changing its diaper? (pause) What about smacking it around a little and telling it to shut up?

–26th & 7th

Overheard by: Liz

White People Wish They Were Wednesday One-Liners

Black man passing out leaflets: And this woman here, you know she'd love to have a big black cock in her. Don't deny it, baby, you would.

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: unimpressed and skeptical

Girl to friend, unknowingly a few feet away from black guy: Thank god there's no black people on this street.

–Steinway St

Black TA, walking in five minutes before class: Oh my god, am I early? Oh, no! I'm going against my people's stereotype!

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: kpan

Asian guy to another, loudly: The black girl doesn't sound black. How do they do that?

–Uptown W Train

Queer to another: So I want to get dreadlocks, like black people.

–W 14th & 6th

Black lady to staring white kid: That's right little boy, this is what a black person looks like.

–Outside Toys R' Us, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Have Lips and a Beard, but No Nose

Woman to friend: I just don't understand these women. I mean, get your head out of your bush and look around!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: rawr

Girl: Oh, I was wondering why my vagina was vibrating!

–Salvation Army, 11th & 4th

Man on sidewalk, waving arms: I can't, can't, can't, can't, can't get enough pussy!

–125th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: wonders why

Woman on cell: I get my pussy eaten out so much I don't even want it anymore.

–Staten Island Ferry

Girl on cell: Oh, come on, I can see her vagina from here!

–Court St & Dean St, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Astigmatic

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