Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please

Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I…I'm…near the bathroom!

–Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: near the computer

Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.

–Women's Bathroom, Hunter College

Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: matt

Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!

–Ladies Room, LIRR

Overheard by: BK

Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.

–Men's Room, Billy Elliott

Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!

–Men's Room, McDonald's

Posted on May 20, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Black People, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Height, Lies, Men, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Singing, Store, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Or Chicken Soup for My Shin Splints

Jogger #1: I heard some really good advice the other day. Apparently, the key to life is running and reading.
Jogger #2: Who said that?
Jogger #1: I think it was either Will Smith or Barack Obama.

–E Train

Overheard by: Philips

Posted on May 16, 2009
About Celebrities, Advice, Athletes, Books & Writing, On the Subway, President, Questions, Sports

Instead Of a Caste System, This Barbaric Country Has Only Paninis

Indian employee #1, showing another how to work grill: So you just spray it with vegetable oil and then press down until it's brown.
Indian employee #2: How long?
Indian employee #1: Till its brown like me, not brown like you. Brown like you is too long. Like me, not you.

–Broadway

Posted on May 14, 2009
Advice, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, India Indians, Street, Stupidity, Time

Or Validate You As a Reality TV Star

Bag lady, preaching: All your bullshit! You waste a brain moment on them!
Hobo to bag lady: Hey, you'd better keep that radical shit to yourself! Society don't like those radical ideas! They'll lock your ass up!
Passing suit: I know!

–Union Square Park

Posted on May 12, 2009
Advice, Bag ladies, Crime and Punishment, Hobos, Insults, Parks, Suits, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Call It a “Job” for Nothin'

Bar hopper: Look at him! He's 20, but he sucks dick like he's 47!

–2nd Ave & 5th St

Overheard by: Christian

Girl on cell: I'm really mad that he's telling everyone I gave him head, and calling my mom a milf.

–West 72nd Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Will

Student on cell: I can't wait to put that in my mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wait, What?

30-something to teen: I'm telling you: ignore a bitch and she'll be giving you head in a day.

–Central Park

Slutty girl: So after about five minutes, I took a break and my jaw was shaking.

–87th & 3rd

Crazy hobo: Look, I don't mean this in a sexual manner, but could you suck my dick?

–Times Square

Posted on May 6, 2009
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Biotechs, BJs, Body Parts, Central Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Store, Street, Students, Teens, Time, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fully Prepared to Dial 911

Female black security guard to male black security guard: So you got two kids that you know of…

–MoMa

Security agent: You are now entering the metal detector area, so those of you with wooden cell phones should feel free to keep those in your pockets.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jason

Security guard to teens blocking entrance: Hmm, just what I need at 9 am, a motherfucking school group.

–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television

Overheard by: scarface

Security guard on cell: Why isn't your hand on your butt?

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Lord Almighty

Library security guard: Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true.

–St. John's University

Posted on May 6, 2009
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Body Parts, Cell Phone, College, Cops, Dreams, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Library, MoMA, More museums, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Security Guards, Teens, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

And a Little Hobo Shall Lead Them

Girl wearing boots, leggings and long sweater to friend: It's so cold!
Hobo: Go put some pants on!

–La Salle & Broadway

Posted on May 5, 2009
Advice, Clothing, Friends, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Homeless, Street, Weather

The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Melissa

Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame!

–6 Train

Overheard by: wondergirl

Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down!

–3 Train

Overheard by: C

Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train… Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now!

–R Train

Overheard by: kinda scared

Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather.

–Stamford-Bound Metro North Train

Overheard by: Dianachka

Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked!

–F Train

Posted on April 29, 2009
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, Harassment, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Thievery, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Alan Barely Recognized His Fairy Godmother Anymore

Hipster #1: You got cancerous tumor in my benign cyst!
Hipster #2: No, you got benign cyst in my cancerous tumor.
Hobo: Y'all both need to get y'asses to a fuckin' doctor!
Hipster #2: Do I know you?

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Michael B. Isberg

Posted on April 27, 2009
Advice, Cancer, Hipsters, Hobos, On the Subway, Stupidity

Advice