A Shitload Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)

–Q Ttrain

Overheard by: Robert G.

Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?

–Fordham University

Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: SophieMed

Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.

–Sunshine Suites

Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?

–Castle Clinton

Overheard by: B Fraz

20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I prefer to flush

Posted on May 6, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Dreams, Drunks, Fordham, Friends, Guys, Hotels, Kids, Laughter, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Questions, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fully Prepared to Dial 911

Female black security guard to male black security guard: So you got two kids that you know of…

–MoMa

Security agent: You are now entering the metal detector area, so those of you with wooden cell phones should feel free to keep those in your pockets.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jason

Security guard to teens blocking entrance: Hmm, just what I need at 9 am, a motherfucking school group.

–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television

Overheard by: scarface

Security guard on cell: Why isn't your hand on your butt?

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Lord Almighty

Library security guard: Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true.

–St. John's University

Posted on May 6, 2009
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Body Parts, Cell Phone, College, Cops, Dreams, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Library, MoMA, More museums, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Security Guards, Teens, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

When Katie Lost Her Slip-n-Slide Virginity, She Wanted to Shout It from the Rooftops

Teen girl: And then…
Teen guy: Yeah, I know, it gets all slippery.
Teen girl: No! Let me tell you the *details*!

–Brooklyn

Posted on May 5, 2009
Body Parts, Brooklyn, Sex, Teens

Like I Said, Three Kids

Woman: You think that's bad…I did blow off my boyfriend's rock-hard abs on my kitchen counter…and I'm married with three kids.
Friend: Did he do blow off your boobs?
Woman: No…it'd fall off!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Victoria

Posted on April 30, 2009
Body Parts, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Kids, Questions, Rack, Relationships, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

God Can't Bake for Shit

Little girl in stroller to mother: Who made my heart, who made it, huh?
Mom: I made your heart, and god did.
Little girl: Can I eat it ?
Mom: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Mom: It doesn't taste good.
Little girl: Yes it does! It tastes like cake.

–B Train

Posted on April 26, 2009
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Food, God, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parents, Sensory Experiences

We'd Be Out Of Business Otherwise

Girl leaving class: And then we took the contraceptive and put it on our face.
Friend: Boy, this conversation would be awkward out of context.

–NY Law, Worth & Church

Overheard by: Louie Q

Posted on April 26, 2009
Body Parts, College, Friends, Girls, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Students, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

She Was Like, “One Ringworm to Rule Them All”

Whole Foods employee #1: They called me and said some lady was in Whole Body licking all the the nail polishes.
Whole Foods employee #2: Licking the nail polishes? Shit. Well, there was this one time they said a woman was walking around with one shoe off, so I went to check, and she had some infection or some shit, and one foot was like…Hobbit-sized.
Whole Foods employee #1: Wow! So she had a Frodo-foot?
Whole Foods employee #2: Yeah, a Frodo-foot. That's when you just start banning people.

–1 Train

Overheard by: percivalundercover

Posted on April 24, 2009
Body Parts, Books & Writing, Coworkers, Health and Hygiene, Licking, Makeup, On the Subway, Shoes, Weirdness

It Was Just Time for That Calf to Be Born

Tall guy,holding his elbow: My arm was this far inside her.
Fat guy: Wow, that's a new record.

–Mott Ave, Far Rockaway

Posted on April 23, 2009
Body Parts, Fat People, Guys, Queens, Sex, Weirdness

Nobody's More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts

Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I'm 22.
Young girl: And you're pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I'm not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you're my age, hormonal and stuff, you'll get fat. People will think you're pregnant when you're not, and you'll cry. So you'll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won't work and you'll be sad. That's all life's about. Don't grow up.

–A Train

Overheard by: Violette

Posted on April 23, 2009
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Crying, Diet/Weight, Girls, Kids, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Should've Used a Condom, Vegetarian & Vegan

Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle

Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do?

–48th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jnaz

Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me!

–The Water Club, 30th & FDR

Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date

Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache…my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action.

–F Train

Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth!

Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it.

–L Train

Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you!

–Union Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Casey

Posted on April 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Height, Idiots, Infidelity, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, News, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Time, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Body Parts