Wednesday One-Liners Forgot Their Coffee This Morning

Train conductor: This is New York Penn Station. New York Penn. For those of you who are just waking up, this is Penn Station. If you are supposed to get off at New York Penn, wake up and get off now! (train leaves) Those of you who are just waking up: if you were supposed to get off at New York Penn Station, you just missed it! I told you to get up!

–Amtrak Train

College guy: Last night I woke up on an oriental rug and I had no idea where I was.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Hispanic lady: Quiet down, some people are trying to sleep!

–6 Train

Man to friend: She can sleep in the closet.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wait what?

Loud pharmaceutical salesman to doctor: They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, right? You know why? You know why? Herpes!

–Doctor's Office, Astoria

Woman on cell: So I walked into a room and she's there, chained to a chair. And he had a gun, pointing it at me, saying he was gonna shoot me. Then I started crying. And he fucking shot her. (people on bus look worried) And then I woke up.

–M4 Bus

Overheard by: trev

Posted on September 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Brooklyn, Bus, Central Park, Clerks, Conductors, Crying, Directions, Doctors, Frat Boys, Friends, Latinos, Men, Office, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Only in New York, Parks, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoot, STDs, Stupidity, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Eye-Fucking Has Its Limits

Girl to 20-something friend: Apparently, you can get pregnant if he looks at you across a crowded room!
(shocked pause)
20-something: Oh my god! Are you serious, I can?
Girl, glaring at friend: Are you serious? Asshole!

–Franklin Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on September 14, 2009
Brooklyn, Friends, Girls, Insults, Lies, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Stupidity

Some Guardian Angels Are More Helpful Than Others

Guy to stranger, about girl who just left: Yo, that your girl?
Stranger: Nah, she a friend.
(silence)
Guy: She look like her mother?
Stranger: Does she?
Guy: I don't know, I'm asking you.

–McDonald's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Julio C

Posted on September 5, 2009
Brooklyn, Friendship, Guys, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Strangers

This Cannot End Well

10-year old boy: Hey Melissa, I'm wearing a cup.
7-year old girl: Really? Where? Can I feel?
10-year old boy: Over my who-who, yeah you can.
7-year old girl, grabbing cup: Oh, I like that… but why is it so hard?

–Kingsbay Football Field, Brooklyn

Posted on September 3, 2009
Brooklyn, Erections, Kids, Penis, Questions, Weirdness

Bowling for Wednesday One-Liner

Drunk thug, reflecting on his baby-mama's new man: I love motherfuckin' guns, and that's the bottom line, but I don't wanna go to jail.

–Bar, Cortelyou Road

Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: The Game

Father to two small children, pulling them away from the register: C'mon, guys. Let's go before mommy shoots herself.

–Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Loud black girl: It's Manhattan, I don't have to worry about getting shot.

–NYU

Guy on cell: Hey man, aren't you tired of being shot?

–Queens Center Mall

Posted on September 2, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Families, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Malls, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Only in New York, Parents, Prison, Queens, Questions, Shoot, Store, Suicide, The Village, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Fannypacks and Re-fold Their Maps

Hyper tourist to friend: Wow! A shoe repair shop? Can we go? Please? Come on, don't you have some shoes you want shined?

–74th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

Enlightened tourist: Oh! So Broadway's not just one place? It's a series of buildings? Oh, I see!

–46th & Broadway

Tourist woman walking off Brooklyn Bridge: Wow, look at how nice this is! I can't believe we paid only $24 for it!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: D-Law

Tourist to another: There are so many yellow cars in New York City.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Lisa

Tourist: Not until high school did I know buses could make turns!

–E Train

Overheard by: Probably had to repeat a few grades

Tourist exiting subway: Did anyone lose a pass? Because I just found one.

–103rd & Broadway

Posted on September 2, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoes, Shopping, Street, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

80's Pop: The Universal Language

Black dude in deli, listening to Michael Jackson on radio: I can't hear another Michael Jackson song.
Arab guy behind counter: How old are you?
Black dude: 25.
Arab guy: See, I'm 37. When I was five, until 15, this was all that was playing.
(Billie Jean is now playing) “Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts!”
Black dude: Too late.

–Brooklyn

Posted on August 31, 2009
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, Black People, Brooklyn, Clerks, Customers, Delis, Love, Music, Singing

You're Not Homeschooling, Are You?

Girl: But you got kids!
Guy: No, I don't. I got a kid.
Girl: That's the same thing!
Guy: No it ain't! “kids” is with a “z.”

–Graham Ave & Broadway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Holly

Posted on August 30, 2009
Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, Kids, Parents, Stupidity, Words

Wednesdays Have “The Last Supper” on Their One-Liners

Guy: Do I look like I ordered strawberries and cream? I have tattoos on my head and face!

–Starbucks

Being a full-time tranny is like having a tattoo on your forehead. Like, you can't work, like, what do you do?

–Brooklyn

Customer to another, about barber: Take him for example, he was in the special forces. He's got a big tattoo on his arm that says, "Kill 'em all, let god sort 'em out." Drop him off in Prospect Park today and tomorrow he'll be eating a sandwich.

–Park Slope Barber Shop

Overheard by: ian daywalker

Chatty young woman to bored-looking guy friend: You know, my shoes would really look a lot better if I had a foot tattoo.

–D Train

Man with tattoo that reads "don't go to hell" to friend: There's a funny story behind this tattoo. I was dating this bitch, and she would wake up every morning and suck my dick. Or fuck the shit out of me. And then tell me I was going to hell. You have no idea what this bitch put me through. I mean, sexually, she was great. We'd go out to bars and both of us would pick up chicks, so that by the end of the night we'd have two or three women hanging around us trying to go home with us.

–Chipotle

Overheard by: Jana