Wednesday One-Liners Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About

Older woman to bored-looking male dinner companion, as they are seated at a table: Now we have to think of something to talk about.

–The Place, West Village

Overheard by: Colleen

Female grad student: I was trippy enough to talk to Shrek, but not trippy enough for him to answer.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Hobo with huge afro chasing after two chatting women: Are you talking when the champion is speaking?! How dare you?

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Teacher to class entering auditorium: Children, stop talking! This is a building!

–College of Mount Saint Vincent

Man on cell: Ray Romano, you're talking to a millionaire!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Katie

Girl on phone: It's just like, he seriously has a really squishy face that you can stick your finger in, and it goes like a million miles in, and you're just like "what the fuck!" But yeah, nothing happened, we just talked.

–Palladium Residence Hall, NYU

Posted on June 17, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, NYU, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Nobody Parties Like Classics Majors Party

Girl #1: I have a dirty, pathetic crush on Octavian. But really only when he's Octavian. Caesar Augustus, not as much.
Girl #2: I can definitely see that. He was pretty cute. And he was the emperor.
Girl #1: If I'd been around, I would have knifed that Livia bitch and totally tapped that ass. (pause) That imperial ass.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: I'll be your emperor

Posted on June 2, 2009
Ass, Beauty, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, History & Geography, Insults, Sex, Stab

As One Is Wont to Do

Short girl: Where's Alanna?
Tall girl: I think she's off hitting on those rich kids she babysits.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Oh no!

Posted on May 26, 2009
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Money & Class, Questions, Violence

Next Time Be a Little More Sensitive, My Dot-Headed Friend.

Indian guy: No homo!
Black guy: Man, “no homo” is wrong. That's like a white person saying, “yo, word up?” and a black guy saying, “no negro!” (pause) Shit's fucked up.

–Columbia University

Posted on May 22, 2009
Black People, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Gays and Lesbians, India Indians, Race, Stupidity, Words

Luckily I Had Some Weed to Give Him

Student in line: So I usually get delivery from this other place, they deliver anything anytime.
Friend: Really? Sounds good, I should go there.
Student: Yeah, they'll deliver newspapers and Chinese food and burgers at 3 am. Sometimes they get it wrong, though, like once the delivery guy came and just tried to stuff a wad of cash into my hand.
Friend, clearly not listening: Hmm…

–Broadway & 115th

Overheard by: tell me more…

Posted on May 19, 2009
Columbia University, Ethnic Food, Friends, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, Students, Time

Why E Is Bad, in a Nutshell

Hipster girl: So, we were talking about, like, Derrida, and like the universe, and then he just kissed me. It was so romantic.
Hipster gay guy, clearly not listening, staring into phone: Oh, so cute. So cute.
Hipster girl: James*, he kissed me!
Hipster gay guy: Woof, woof. Bark. Arf!
Hipster girl: What?
Hipster gay guy: I thought you were talking about a dog, so I chimed in.
Hipster girl: You need to stop doing E.
Hipster gay guy: It makes masturbating great, though.

–Columbia University

Posted on May 11, 2009
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Hipsters, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Love, Man's Best Friend, Masturbation, Philosophy, Queer guys

Wednesday One-Liners: Because You're Worth It.

Girl: I can't decide if I should wear my hair up or down. (friend nods) I mean, you know when you have to make, like…decisions?

–Bathroom, Columbia University

Very white middle-school boy, yelling to friends: He say yo' momma got a cheap-ass weave!

–87th & Lexington

Girl with huge curly hair: You see I, ugh…randomly wake up reaching up to feel, and see if my hair is still there. Then my subconscious is like "wait! Am I breathing?" Oh yes. I'm breathing!

–Chat N Chew Restaurant

Young teen guy to girlfriend: You see, I got hairline issues. You know, 'cuz when you get older, your hair follicles increase and your hair is less. I'm not used to my hair. It used to be here (points to his forehead), but now it's here. (points to the same place on his forehead) I got hairline issues.

–4 Ttrain

Overheard by: Megz

Nanny, adjusting ward's ponytail: If I fall, I'm taking your hair with me.

–5 Train