Fat woman #1: Listen! I am telling you that that bitch stole my cat! I am absolutely positive that she mothafuckin' stole my cat!
Fat woman #2: Girl, she probably did, she's crazy. What made you so damn convinced that she did it?
Fat woman #1: Because I got a mothafuckin' text message from her sayin', “meow.”
–Liquor Store, Brooklyn
Fat chick to cute friend's blind date: So, wait, is Jean Garafolo a man or a woman?
–Tribeca
Overheard by: Becka Dash
20-something blonde girl: Is there an English word for "quesadilla"?
–F Train
Checkout lady, pausing with a container of hummus after scanning it: Lots of people buy this stuff…what is it?
–Myrtle St
Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton
Woman entering RadioShack: Excuse me, do you have radios?
–RadioShack, 72nd & Broadway
B9 bus driver to passengers: Make a left here?
–B9 Bus
Overheard by: VeganBeauty
Little guy, pushing a heavy load: You want to step back?
Fat guy: No. You’re the help, not me!
–Outside the Associated, 14th & 8th
Overheard by: sympathetic little guy
Man selling candy #1 to very pretty but overweight girl: Hey miss, you wanna buy a candy bar?
Pretty but overweight girl: Do I look like I need any more candy?!
Man selling candy #2: You look good to me!
–Outside JC Penny
Girl to guy: And I was like, "He bleaches his asshole, what does he know about anatomy?"
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Seven-year-old girl to boy throwing mud at her: Watch it, Jakob! I wore eyeliner today!
–Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn
Very large woman on cell: It's called "Brazilian wax job." You only have to do it like every two weeks. Yep, it itches for a day or two, but it's worth every penny.
–PATH
Overheard by: Corey
Young lady with long curly hair to girlfriend: So, I started drying my hair with paper towels recently.
–Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: E-Man>Master of the UNIVERSE!
Outraged feminine gay guy to another: He's having his lips redone… again!
–8th Ave & 20th St, Chelsea
Overheard by: Evan
Woman on cell: Girl, I don't understand why you gotta put on all that makeup just to go for a colonic!
–Washington Heights
Chubby Hispanic guy: I got soap on a rope, dude.
Manly black guy: And I got scissors, baby.
–W 34th St
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
–Fulton St
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
–Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
–10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
–Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
Dude: She sure had a wide ass.
Fat guy: Yeah, but I’d fuck her ’til the rest of her teeth are gone.
Dude: Yeah.
–1 train
Fat chick: So I’m at the movies yesterday and you know how I like to put my things on the seat next to me? And this blanquita wants to put her things in the same seat. So I’m like, whateva. So the movie ends and the blanquita is like, “Oh my God, my purse is still here!” You believe that shit? That bitch think that because I’m Latina, I’m just gonna steal her shit! So I got mad fuckin’ ghetto, I’m like, “Bitch, I’m not like that! And you should not be like, thinkin’ that like all Hispanics are like that!” Bitch got the nerve to say to me, “Well, I’ve been robbed before.” And I told that bitch, “Oh well, good for you; you lucky I’m in a good mood today ’cause I woulda robbed you and smiled at you while doin’ it!”
–L train
Overheard by: Reverend Ricky
Chick: Damn, that guy there is sweating up a shitstorm.
Guy: Fat people do that when they exert themselves.
Chick: Yeah, but that ain’t no normal sweating; he’s leaking from his butt.
Guy: How do you know that’s sweat? He might be covering up his need to piss with excessive sweating.
–42nd & 9th
