Insults

Morlock v. Eloi: The Prequel

A thugged out girl tests all of her ring tones as loud as possible for a solid minute.

Preppy girl: Are you serious with that? Can you do everyone a favor and stop?
Thug girl: I know you’re not talking to me. You messed with the wrong girl.
Preppy girl: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Your screaming phone made me deaf.
Thug girl: I’ll f her up. But then she’ll call the cops; her people love the cops. Go back to where you came from!
Preppy girl: I’m trying to. That’s why I’m on the train, you stupid bitch. Look, you got a new cell phone and that’s great, but figure it out at home.
Thug girl: I’ll f you up. You’re f-ing with the wrong girl. Don’t be fooled by the pretty face.
Preppy girl: Pretty face? Where?

–N train

Overheard by: Matty M.

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Science

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Order a fuckin’ latte, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valentine’s Day — don’t you get emotional. It’s some other holiday. Hell, it’s Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

–Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

If the Light’s Purple, You’re Crossing Over

Bike guy: The light’s red. Move out of the way.
Woman: Fuck you. I don’t care if the light’s purple, bitch. I cross when I want!

–20th & 8th

Actually…

Girl on bus looking at a Six Flags sign: Why do they call it Six Flags?
Guy: Yo, bitch! Count the flags!

–Bus, Queens

Overheard by: Nicoletta

The Important Thing is that She Likes Women and Lives Under a Bridge

Long Island law student #1: She is such a B-and-T troll dyke.
Long Island law student #2: Dude, she commutes from the city to Long Island. That doesn’t make her a B-and-T anything.
Long Island law student #1: Fine. Then she’s a reverse B-and-T troll dyke.

–LIRR

People Who Shouldn't Go to Japan

Average Joe: Short people are insufferable!
Shorter friend: Tell me about it!

–Bleecker St & Carmine St

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Headline by: Jane

Runners-Up:
· “…And They Have Limited Vocabularies and Will Agree With Anything” – Bob
· “I Thought I Just Did.” – Katie
· “That Scene From “The Wizard Of Oz” Was Like Hell on Earth!” – space coyote
· “To Be Fair, He Did Reply in That High-Pitched Cackle” – Kenneth
· “Tom Cruise Is Refreshingly Self-Aware” – Meg

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

With the Additional Smartass Fee, Maybe They'll Spring for Bread

Driver: You couldn't just give me a warning, huh? This ticket make your quota for you?
Female cop: Why, yes, yes it does! Now I get a free toaster from the city paid with your fine there!

–Parsons & 79th, Queens

Overheard by: Fly on the Wall

And I'm Still Smarter Than You. That's Gotta Burn

Hip 18-year-old daughter: Mom, stop laughing! I'm like the least funny person I've ever met.
Mom, laughing: No, you're so funny! You always have been! It's like you have an extra chromosome or something. (walks into an apartment and closes door behind her before her daughter and her friend can follow).
Girl's friend: So, you're retarded. You have an extra chromosome. You're fucking retarded.

–87th & East End

Overheard by: Sophie

Behind the Laughter: Obscenities and Addiction

Balloon-Twisting clown: Ha ha! What are you, some kind of fucking gypsy?
Face painter dressed as gypsy: Do you want a fucking cigarette or what?

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: I quit, but that juggler looks like he could

If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.

–11th & Broadway

Overheard by: Z

Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.

–Brooklyn Public House

Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies

Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Office, Midtown

Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!

–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hollister

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