Hipster guy trying to make out with hipster girl: Come on baby, I swear I’m not drunk.
Exasperated hipster girl: Oh my god, I didn’t say you’re drunk, I said you have mono.
–Friday Night Bar Crawl, West 4th St
Hipster guy trying to make out with hipster girl: Come on baby, I swear I’m not drunk.
Exasperated hipster girl: Oh my god, I didn’t say you’re drunk, I said you have mono.
–Friday Night Bar Crawl, West 4th St
High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.
–Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly
Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there.
–36th St & Fifth Ave
Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body.
–Prem-On Thai
Overheard by: office peon
Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore.
–McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd
Overheard by: I’ll drink to that!
Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile!
–Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: that’swhathesaid
Girl: As long as I don’t get that anthrax thingy I’m cool with the chicken.
–Elevator 112 west 34th st
Overheard by: Rebecca
Five-year-old: Why do babies look like chickens?
–Nederlander Theatre
Overheard by: Jordan
Man explaining menu to wife: You know fried chicken: the chicken with the crust.
–Virgils BBQ, 44th St
Overheard by: fish
Teacher, after seeing one of her seven-year-old students smell an empty subway seat: Sienna, there are 10,000 people a day sitting in that very seat. What do you think it would smell like? Chicken?
–F Train
Overheard by: Marlene Saunders
Woman to man: Everyone loves when you throw the chicken.
–Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.
–Washington G Station
Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.
–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn
NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!
–West 4th St
Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?
–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St
Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?
–Bedford and North 7th
20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.
–52nd & 9th
Overheard by: Trey Givens
[hobo walks into the train with bag in cart]Drunk queer standing behind hobo: Move it or lose it.
Hobo: Who the fuck is that?!
Queer: Queen Victoria.
Hobo: I’m a marine, I’ll fucking kill you.
Queer: Let me know when you get your VA check, I’ll help you spend it.
Hobo: Yeah, sure I’ll do that.
Queer: In Central Park.
Hobo: I’ll call you.
Queer: My number’s 444-332. Call me at that number.
Hobo: I won’t call you.
[they get off the train giggling]
–A train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: JohnD
Little boy #1: I’m going to smash your bike!
Little boy #2: Well, if you smash my bike, I’m going to get a lawyer and sue you!
–Central Park
Teen dude: You just can’t be tall and survive on a mountain!
–Halloween Adventure, 11th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Teenage boy: Girls are so lucky… They can feel themselves up whenever they want.
–LIRR
High school girl: I said to her: "What they call you?" … And she said, "TND". And I said, "’TND’?, What’s ‘TND’"? And she said "Top Notch Diva". [Howls with laughter.] She said "Top notch". Nobody say "Top notch"… That was like, last summer… Top notch… [laughs and snickers] and then she say: "What they call you?" and I said "BB"… "Betta bills". [Howls with laughter.]
–#1 Train
Teen boy, with a sigh: Sometimes the world just isn’t as shiny as you want it to be.
–42nd St
Teenager to Mexican friend: Don’t make me call immigration on you.
–Q train, to 57th st
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen: I like the beginning part of the Dido song "Thank you", you know, the depressing part, because I can relate to it. Well, aside from the parts about missing the bus because I have a car and paying bills because my parents do that for me.
–Union Square
Overheard by: UCB
30-something guy #1: I seriously need to get laid.
30-something guy #2: Yeah ya do.
30-something guy #1: I feel like I’m 14 again, and all the boobs in the world are conspiring to drive me crazy…
–40th & 8th
Overheard by: Sympathetic
Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?
–D Train
Overheard by: sara
Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I’m gonna sing a song and I don’t wanna hurt your ears.
–N 7th & Bedford
Black homeless man: Excuse me… Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?
–6 Train
Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?
–Lafayette & E. 4th St
Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!
–Financial District
Overheard by: nunya
Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I’m homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I’m working, man, what’s up?
–Q Train
Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you’ll have to take a number.
–Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you’re here. Terminal six food court line.
–JFK
Overheard by: Jen
Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what’s wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you’re annoying!
–Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St
Overheard by: PetRunner
Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you’re a kid! You can run around!
–Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I’m going to have to take out my imaginary belt.
–Tompkins Square Park
Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy’s house?
–The Food Emporium, 88th St
Overheard by: charlotte
Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???
–53rd & 9th
Overheard by: AH Hell’s Kitchen
