Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences!

–La Lanterna, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural.

–Bryant Park

Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy!

–30th St & 9th Ave

Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you!

–The Met

Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder!

–86th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office!

–Court & Carroll, Brooklyn

Posted on May 5, 2010
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Wednesday's One-Liner Sense Is Tingling

Black man in Batman suit trying to get tourists to pay to take pictures with him: I got bills! I got bills!

–Times Square

Overheard by: kpan

Traffic cop, motioning in vain for car to stop: I guess my powers aren't working today…

–Citifield, 7 Train Entrance

Teenage girl: I love my physics teacher. He's like a fat, middle-aged Superman.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Large man with heavy accent shouting into cell: Please send somebody–I have just been robbed. (pause) I am on the corner. (pause) What do you mean, "white"? He is a Spiderman! He's wearing a Spiderman suit!

–Stanton & Essex

Posted on May 5, 2010
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Wednesdays Just One-Linered in Their Mouths a Little

Three-year-old boy to mother: Mommy, there is a baby in your stomach that is making you throw up.

–G Train

Guy with hand over friend's mouth, encouraging him not to throw up: No! No! No!

–Q Train

Guy, pleading with girl: Don't go home. (pukes on self) Why do you have to go home?

–32nd St & Madison Ave

Man standing next to woman throwing up: Beans and rice… No, corn.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Julian

Posted on May 5, 2010
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The One-Liners on the Wednesday Go Round and Round, Round and Round…

Bus driver: This bus is at capacity, so do me a favor: Move I-N, not O-U-T, and that's what she said.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: The Average Commuter

Bus driver: Next stop is Malcolm X… No, it's not. What's his cousin's name? Oh yeah. Next stop is Frederick Douglas Boulevard.

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: polaco

Bus driver: When exiting the bus please take all of your trash with you. If you leave it on the bus you are a horrible person.

–34th St Bus

Bus driver, singing at every stop: Fifty niiiinnnth and Central Park Souuuuuthhhh. Ladies and gentlemeeeeennnn, have a wonderful daaaaayyyyyy!

–M4 Bus

Female bus driver: Everyone, squeeze in, I won't move this bus until ya'll are behind the line. Move back! Move! Squeeze! Remember to say "excuse me"! Move back! I will pull this bus over, ladies and gentlemen, move behind the line! (everyone shuffles a few inches back) It's a miracle! Thank you, Lord!

–BX12 Bus

Overheard by: Erica S

Posted on May 5, 2010
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Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?

–Diner, Washington Heights

Overheard by: April Marks

Posted on April 28, 2010
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Wednesday One-Liners Have Fifty Nursery School Rejection Letters

Two-year-old boy to mom: And after dinner, it's butt-shaking time!

–Brooklyn Heights

Tot in stroller: Mommy, I want the tabouleh… Mommy! My tabouleh!

–Food Emporium

Little brother pestering older brother playing PSP: What do you like better, Nutella or A-Rod?

–Stanton Tailor Shop

Two-year-old, after falling to floor when train swerved: Mother, I resent that.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on April 28, 2010
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White People Flee the Train Before It Gets to Wednesday One-Liners

Sassy black woman: You think I would have brunch in Harlem? I wouldn't even have lunch in Harlem!

–D Train

Overheard by: laughing

Dramatic girl on cell: But I love you. I would go to Harlem and back for you!

–Starbucks

Girl: Wow, Harlem is like a cultural playground. There are stores and everything.

–Metro-North

Columbia freshman girl: I would never let anybody in Harlem touch my vagina.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meagan

Posted on April 28, 2010
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Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running

Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare.

–Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave

Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me!

–Broadway & Eagerly

Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people.

–M23 bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway!

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Heather

Posted on April 28, 2010
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Wednesday One-Liners Think Bugs Bunny Is Gay

Fat girl to friends: You know who I want to be? Motherfucking Rainbow Brite. Bitch had a flying horse.

–29th & 7th

20-something guy, following very loud clap of thunder: By the power of Greyskull!

–Center Boulevard, Long Island City

Overheard by: mixxy5

Hobo, to no one in particular: Find me on the computer; my name's Scooby-Doo.

–Starbucks

Cop to partner: God, working with you is like working with Stewie Griffin. (whiney) Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaan… Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaan!

–Train

Posted on April 28, 2010
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Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck

Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.

–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave

Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!

–N Train

Overheard by: I want some ribs too

Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!

–Baxter St & Walker St

Overheard by: Kristin

High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.

–86 St

Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!

–Downtown F Train

Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!

–11st St & 3rd Ave

Posted on April 21, 2010
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