Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.

–4 Express Train

Overheard by: Lexington

Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Donz

Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!

–7 Train

Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?

Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.

–Fordham Rd, Bronx

Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.

Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!

–F Train

Posted on November 3, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Christianity, Conductors, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kick, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, The Bronx, Threats, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are Beautiful, Dammit!

Man to woman on lunch date: Pussy makes the world go round. When you're 85, dyin', you don't want to regret it if you never got to stick your head up there, or whatever. You wanna die sated.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Christine

Man, as two women approach: Vagiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaaa!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Joe

Hipster on cell: I don't even know you! I do not want to see your vagina.

–Park Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: Sophia

Suit on cell: I'm gonna cut off her cunt and make her wear it as a hat!

–Times Square

Teenager to friend: That girl has a Stargate vagina. You put it in and, bam, a kid pops out!

–Catherine St & Madison St

Girl at speed dating event: …like my vagina!

–Watering Hole, E 19th St

Posted on November 3, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Kids, Lower East Side, Madison Square Garden, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Street, Suits, Teens, Threats, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Violence, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking.

–New School University

Overheard by: Evan Gilmer

Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better!

–Barnard College

Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important.

–Pratt Institute

Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy?

–Classroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: Rara

Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DI

Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Classroom, Cocaine, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Education, Food, Hunter, New School, Offers and requests, One-liners, Penis, Psychology, Questions, Rape, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Wednesday One-Linereaters

Guy: …and then I'd be a cyborg.

–Soho

Overheard by: Nicole Q

Man on cell: But wouldn't that make you a vampire?

–45th St

Crazy guy, returning after briefly exiting car: I tried to make it to the end of the train, but I was blocked by a teenage werewolf. I have encountered them before, but never outside Brooklyn.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Canucking Futs

Guy on phone: In your next life, you're gonna come back as a vampire.

–Williamsburg

Dude, marveling to another on train: Damn, son, you look like Godzilla with a fade.

–Q Train

Hipster waiter: The fucking gnome took my remote control. The one thing in the world that I love. I told him, "you can take anything except the remote control." And sure enough, he took the fucking remote control.

–Restaurant, Williamsburg

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Sensory Experiences, Soho, Stupidity, Thievery, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Fashion, Friendship, Grocery Stores, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Penis, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Starbucks, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

You Get a Little Something Extra with a Wednesday One-Liner Education

Female student on cell: We don't know anything until we know something.

–Columbia University

Balding middle aged man guiding middle aged woman down stairs: Step, step, step, step. Flat, flat, flat, flat. Step…

–Columbia

Yoga instructor to skinny college girl: Turn your head to the left. Turn your head to the left. The left. The left. The left. Your other left. I know you go to Columbia.

–Bikram Yoga, Harlem

Overcaffinated Columbia freshman girl to another: What do you mean your sociology textbook ate King Lear?

–Carman Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: that would make it difficult to finish either reading

Posted on October 20, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Columbia, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Education, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Philosophy, Questions, School and studying, Skinny People, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Yoga

The Alien Autopsy Of Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year old boy to bookseller: Do you have any books on crop circles in this library?

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Amused bookseller a few feet away

Man to another: Don't you know? All those tunnels in Afghanistan run into the pyramids in Gaza! If I was President there would be one less pyramid.

–Soup Kitchen, Midtown

Overheard by: John Gordon

Gentleman on train: You know why they invented daylight savings, don't you? It's because of Halloween, a lot of congressmen wanted kids to have an extra hour to go trick or treating. That's why we have daylight savings.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Annie

Elderly professor: Fewer chairs, less chalk every week. It's a conspiracy!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali

Posted on October 20, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Celebrations/Parties, Clerks, College, Education, Global Geography, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Old People, One-liners, Paranoia, Penn Station, President, School and studying, Store, Teachers/Professors, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Need More Bandwidth

Teen girl on cell: Are you kidding, mom? Google shapes everyone's lives, whether they like it or not. You google everything.

–W 28th St

20-something-girl: He has liked every status I put up since Wednesday. I haven't spoken to him in ages. I was like, "stop peeing all over my Facebook page!"

–42St & 2nd Ave

NYU student on cell: Honestly, that blog was the most profound thing I've ever written.

–Mercer & W 4th

Overheard by: Bloggers have depth too

40-year-old woman dressed as 16-year-old, on cell: Samantha, just go on Facebook and text him already. (pause) Of course you can do that, everyone does it.

–Outside Five Guys Burgers