Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners

Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.

–Ellis Island Ferry

Overheard by: land lubber

Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin’s death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Metropolitan Opera

Overheard by: Opera Onlooker

Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you’re not the angel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broadway

Overheard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pretty sure I’m invincible and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madison

Overheard by: kinicke

50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills herself. We just don’t know.

–Barnard College

Posted on October 1, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Church, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Death, Ferry, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Ivy League, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Questions, Religion, Suicide, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Theater, Threats, Tourism, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages…

–Hudson River Park

Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Overheard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!

–77th & 34th

Posted on September 30, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Balls, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Couples, Dating, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Guys, Kink, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, Straight Trippin', Street, Stupidity, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.

–Herald Square

Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?

–E Houston & Ave D

Overheard by: haha

Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!

–Herald Square

Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Overheard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!

–Fordham & Hoffman

Overheard by: sromeo

Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Steve

Posted on September 29, 2015
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Babies, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Girls, Guys, Lower Manhattan, Money & Class, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Questions, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, The Bronx, Threats, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Get It All Out Before 2006

MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry…what?
Girl: It’s like, when you’re sad and you masturbate!

–Kimmel Center, Washington Square South

Overheard by: Athena

Woman: …so, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to masturbate or cry!

–Comfort Diner, West 23rd Street

Posted on September 22, 2015
Masturbation, Offers and requests, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Minors

Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Tara

Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?

Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!

–M104 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha

Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!

–Bergdorf Goodman

Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.

–Borders, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?

Posted on September 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Beauty, Books & Writing, Brothers, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Elementary & Middle School, Families, Fashion, Fears, Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Music, NYU, Old People, On the Bus, One-liners, Queens, Relationships, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Store, Students, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Think I've Seen This Lifetime Movie…

Girl: I can't believe she stayed in that so long.
Guy: Well, she just didn't realize she was dating a crazy person. Well… until he stabbed himself.

–Plaza St & Vanderbilt Ave

Overheard by: Ruffy

Posted on September 17, 2015
Brooklyn, Crazy, Dating, Girls, Guys, Stab, Weirdness

For Some Reason, I Keep Ordering Things That Aren't On It

Friend #1: So how is your husband?
Friend #2: For some reason I keep on sleeping with his best friend.
Friend #1: What!
Friend #2: Yeah girl…I'm leaving him. So what do you want to order from the menu?

–Restaurant Queens

Posted on September 16, 2015
Breaking Up, Family Ties, Food, Friends, Friendship, Infidelity, Marriage, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness

And I Can Obey the No-Two-Straight-Guys-in-a-Stall Rule

Guy #1: Yo, come over here! This toilet's flush is the hardest I've ever seen!
Guy #2: Nah, it's okay! I can just go into this one and do the same thing. (flushes) Yeah, that's it!

–AMC Theatre Men's Room