Wednesday One-Liner, Dearest

Girl on cell: And you're leaving with a butthole the size of a pancake your mom cooked! (pause) You don't want that.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Gaunt

Ghetto fabulous teen boy: So I said, "What? Did you say you wanna fuck my motha'? Well I'm gonna fuck yo brotha!"

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Fiona

Woman outside store to a child speaking to her mother: What do you mean you don't like her? That's your mother, man!

–125th & Park Ave

Woman on phone: Hello? Yeah, how are you? (pause) So I didn't really deal with my mother's death because I wasn't sober then.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Laura

Man: Speaking of mother's graves, I want my urn back.

–13th & Ave A

Overheard by: erkala

Posted on October 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Asshole, Backdoor, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Men, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Teens, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Baristas, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Homeless, Moms, On Cell, Preppies, Queens, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Robbing the Cradle, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weed, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?

Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.

–Uptown 2 Train

Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: charlotte

Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.

–82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Karyn

Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Asshole, Backdoor, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Death, Drag queens, Drugs, Elevators, Girls, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, Teens, Theater, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners– Now in Small, Regular and Porn Star

20-something girl: And then they had another raffle and I won another 30 minutes of free porn and a vibrator.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: eSong

Man, talking to himself in the park: I don't discriminate against women. Women discriminate against me. Why? Because they have all different kinds of dildos.

–City Hall Park

Salesman, shouting to man with girlfriend: Have you been neglecting your butthole lately? I'm selling some nice greasy vibrators here!

–34th St

Overheard by: Jessica

30-something balding man on cell: Dildo and show…

–14th & 3rd

Woman to friends posing for picture: 1…2…3…say: "sex toys!"

–West Village

Mythology professor: Ares was a bit stupid, so Aphrodite was pretty much the brains of that operation. For her, he was basically just a living dildo.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dildos and Vibrators, Free stuff!, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Hunter, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Porn, Questions, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Pilot: Let's Get This Garbage Bag Full Of Smushed Assholes in the Air

Girl: Ugh, I feel worse then a garbage bag full of smashed assholes.
Guy: Um, what?
Girl: It's a common saying!

–JetBlue Terminal, JFK

Overheard by: I'm with the guy on this one

Posted on May 4, 2009
Airports, Asshole, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, JFK Airport, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Leave Eden Eventually

Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!

–Broad Channel Subway Station

Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!

–116th & 3rd

(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?

–28th & 5th

White guy answering cell: Negrooooo… I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual… You missed it, completely naked…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?

—Hair, Delacorte Theater

Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.

–Subway, 14th & 1st

Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.

–89th & 4th, Brooklyn

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fat People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Instruments, Kids, Latinos, Makeup, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Nudity, On Cell, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sports, Stupidity, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Bursting with Fruit Flavor

Punk rocker to ghetto chick: Say…you ever been fucked by a smelly guy in a banana suit?

–J Train

Overheard by: Markthrone

Loud, laughing redhead on cell: Ha ha! I'll plant another pear tree, and that will be Tricia!

–W 57th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Brosef to girls (oddly aggressively): Which do you like more, bananas or oranges? Say it!

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Rooting for bananas

Guy on cell: Did you order the poster of the banana?

–Central Park

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Overachiever mom to 5-year-old girl: No, I'm not saying that you have to have a piece of fruit. I'm saying that when we get there, you'll get to choose. It'll be your choice. You can choose fruit or you can choose a granola bar. (pause) Of course, fruit is the healthier choice.

–7th Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Heavily tattooed man: So we started playing this game. We shoved grapes up her ass, and she had to drop them in a martini glass.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Housey

Posted on September 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Backdoor, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Fruit, Guys, Kink, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Almost As Good As When the Gay Guys Do It

Overexcited white male: She just pulls my bathing suit down and starts…and then she lifts up my legs and starts licking my asshole!
Fascinated white male (laughing): Whaaaat?! …so, what did it feel like?
Overexcited white male: Dude, I'm not gonna' lie, it felt kind of good. Like a tickling, tingling sensation.

–C Train

Overheard by: tom o

Posted on September 5, 2008
Asshole, Default, Eating Out, Friends, Guys, On the Subway, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, White People