Big black guy: I thought she was goin’ to get an abortion?
Tiny Rican girl: Yeah, but she overslept and missed her appointment.
Big black guy: How do you miss an abortion appointment?!
Tiny Rican girl: Well she’s only seventeen, she’s not really responsible yet.
Big black guy, yelling: Well then maybe she shouldn’t have been thinking about sex yet! For Christ’s sake she missed her abortion appointment! What a whore!
–H&M, Brooklyn
Overheard by: SaraSil
Little boy: Daddy, daddy! I wanna make a bear!
Buff dad: Nigga, I done told you a thousand times, thugs don’t make bears! [Tiny black boy bursts into tears.]
–Outside of Build a Bear Workshop, at 6th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Becca
Black girl #1: So why did you decide to come to New York?
Black girl #2: Because I hate white people.
–NYU
Overheard by: Cracker Apparently In the Wrong City
Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Trixie
Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it’s not the U.S.
–129th St, Harlem
Overheard by: Koen
Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she’s Puerto Rican or Dominican. She’s definitely not American.
–Barnes & Noble, W 66th St
Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.
–Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can — who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It’s an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what’s my first bid?
–4th Ave & Atlantic
Overheard by: Mike N
Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!
–CVS Pharmacy
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Man, I’m about to slap fire out my boss.
Friend, looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Sixty-three fuckin’ dollaz man!?! Sixty-three fuckin’… Who the fuck pays sixty-three dollaz for a bag of ice?!
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: What the fuck? Must be glacial ice! Straight from the muffuckin glacier ‘n shit.
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Maybe it was organic ice or some shit: I can’t believe this shit!
[Puerto Rican chic rolls her eyes.]
Friend, no longer looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: You’re fuckin up my game again, son.
–F train
Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…
–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave
Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Susan
Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!
–NYU SIlver Building
Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!
–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert
Overheard by: j-bones
Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something… He’s got the charisma.
–Staten Island Ferry snack bar
Overheard by: Stephanie
Hobo spinning in circles: ‘Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There’s a first time for everything!
–117th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?
–Super Bowl Parade
Overheard by: No idea
Scholar: I’m voting for Osama Barack.
–F train
Overheard by: Terrorized
Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.
–1 train, Grand Central
Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?
–52nd & 2nd
Overheard by: NCS
Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.
–27th & 7th
Overheard by: tuna on rye
White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.
–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pmd
Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!
–N 4th St & Driggs Ave
Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs
Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…
–Madison Square Garden
Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!
–NYFA, Union Square
Overheard by: kswin
Big black man: I think I like you. You have an aura, a glow. I like you.
Little Asian girl: That’s just perspiration.
–Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Teacher: Well, I guess it’s just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.
–SVA Building, 21st St
Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I’ma kick his ass!
–Christopher & Greenwich St
Overheard by: Justin Tang
Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.
–Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway
Dude to chick: You’ll have to wear a dildo…
–34th & 8th
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Elegant lady: That’s really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, ‘Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?’ Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, ‘Oh, no, not like that! It’s just that… I’m a Greenwich Village mom, and she’s been using the electric toothbrush!’ They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.
–Park Ave Bistro
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Argopelter
