Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs

Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.

–49th & 6th

Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.

–Church St & Barclay

Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson

Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.

–N Train

Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"

–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Beauty, Birthdays, BJs, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dating, Family Ties, Food, Friends, Gangstas, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Home, Sweet Home, Infidelity, Laundromat, Lies, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Questions, Relationships, Street, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

“Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners.”

Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!

–Nomad Restaurant

Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.

–7 Train

Overheard by: IDigGraves94

Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Annearchist

Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!

–46th & 5th

Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.

–47th St & 9th Ave

Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!

–Broadway & Cedar

Overheard by: mondoman

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Tourism, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday Fa La La La Liners

Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.

–Cathedral Station Post Office

Overheard by: Emily B.

Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Daisy Mae

Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!

–57th & Columbus

Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?

Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.

–Brendan's Bar

Overheard by: Danny

Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.

–Metro North

Overheard by: Christmas Spirit

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Celebrations/Parties, Central Park, Clerks, Conductors, Disney, Family Ties, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Holidays, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nerds, Old People, One-liners, Passengers, Post Office, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Shopping, Street, Stupidity, Time, Tourism, Trains Not Subway, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.

–Central Park

Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kelly D

Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!

–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St

Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!

–86th & Broadway

Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: or snakes

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Body Parts, Boys, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Kids, Leisure, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Stupidity, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!

–77th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow

Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Overheard by: Tina

MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!

–Restaurant, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: Abbieprime

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Ew, Jersey, Girls, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard…it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Doreen

40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?

–MJ Armstrong's Public House

Overheard by: JP

Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.

–Hester & Grand

Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Duane Reade, Families, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Questions, Rack, Store, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Time, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Or a Volkswagen Bug!

(car honks repeatedly at pedestrians crossing against the light and speeds through)
Girl #1: Enough! Ugh! Was that a Prius?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Pfft. If you gonna boss me around, at least do it in a manly car. Like a Civic.
Girl #2: Oh! Or an Acura!

–Mercer & W 3rd St

Posted on December 23, 2008
Cars and Driving, Girls, Street, The Village, Weirdness

Except for Tuesdays, When I'm Half Navajo.

Mom: Why don't you want to go to that high school?
White daughter: Because there are too many black people.
Mom: I thought you were black…
White daughter: Yeah, I used to be black by association, but now I'm Puerto Rican.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: DL

Posted on December 23, 2008
Girls, KKK, Moms, Penn Station, Questions, Race, School and studying, Weirdness

Gets Complicated When It's Her Turn to Bring the Snacks to Play-Group

Random guy: She still breastfeeds her kids.
Random girl: How old are they?! Like 4 or 5?
Random guy: 9 years old.
Random girl: What!? That's ridiculous.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Teresa

Posted on December 22, 2008
Age/Aging, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Rack, The Met

I Don't Know, I Still Can't Figured Out What Possessed Me to Cum in It

Girl #1: Did you get tested for AIDS?
Girl #2: Yes, but they haven't gotten back to me yet.
Girl #1: Dammit! Why did i drink from your water bottle?

–74th & Riverside

Overheard by: a fox

Posted on December 21, 2008
AIDS, Drinks, Girls, Questions, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Girls