An Epidemic Of Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."

–Nederlander Theater

Overheard by: julia

Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.

–Broadway & Waverly

Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!

–Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Doug Tischler

Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: r. faith

Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.

–San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St

Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.

–Bellerose, Queens

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Village, Theater, Threats, White People, Yuppies

Hey, Bra, Check Out These Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Frat boy: That is the last time I am *ever* jacking off to gay porn.

–Gristedes, 42nd St

Overheard by: …while sober or drunk?

Frat boy to another frat boy staring intently at a young woman dressed as a Hogwarts student: I am really drunk!

–14th St & University Place

Midwest frat dude: The ugliest girls in New York City are like the hottest girls I've ever seen!

–St.Marks & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: slohmie

Frat boy: Dude, I'm not hating -I love gay guys. All I'm saying is -they buy a lot of Kosher wine.

–23rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Dina

Frat boy: We've had sex everywhere… In cars, in public places…I've seen her vagina more times than I've seen my mother's!

–Wagner College

Posted on August 6, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Family Ties, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Grocery Stores, Judaism, Masturbation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Midwesterners, Porn, Sexuality, Staten Island, The Village, Vagina, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Winers

Amazed thugette: You know you ain’t in the hood, ’cause it says "Wine & Spirits!"

–12th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Toto

Box office employee: I bought this really awesome bottle of wine and I was like: "Oh, I’m going to make really amazing pasta with vegetables and bullets in it and glass and blood and it’ll be fantastic." But then I didn’t.

–Pearl Theatre

Overheard by: Mariah

Middle aged white guy: Yeah, you can get cheap wine in Harlem, but who wants to get a massage there?

–Thai Restaurant

Belligerent toddler to mom making purchase: That’s not enough wine, mom! That’s not enough wiiiine!

–International Wine & Spirits, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Hipster to his date: It’s like in the old DC Comics. Superman, you know, his weakness was Kryptonite, but there wasn’t just green Kryptonite. In the old DC Comics there was green, red, blue Kryptonite, all colors of the rainbow. Green Kryptonite killed him, but with the others, like, blue Kryptonite transferred his powers to someone else or something like that. Red turned him evil. All these different colors of Kryptonite had different properties. And that’s how wine is with me. Every glass of wine, I don’t know what I’m going to get… That analogy was not so great.

–Hope & Anchor Diner, Red Hook

Overheard by: AeC

Posted on July 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Drinks, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hipsters, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, NYC Geography, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Superheroes, Theater, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Fat Is Made of Denial, Not Cupcakes

(two girls standing in line)
Girl #1(with two cupcakes): I can justify buying two because I walk here and walk home.
Girl #2: Are you walking home tonight?
Girl #3: No.

–Magnolia Bakery

Posted on July 14, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Diet/Weight, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Manhattan, Questions

More Like “Die, Bitch!”, But Close Enough

20-something chick #1: Theresa hasn’t responded to that e-mail yet.
20-something chick #2: Is that the one where we told her we don’t like her?

–Sephora, 58th & Lex

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Posted on July 7, 2008
Default, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Internet, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Weirdness

Color-Coordinated Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.

–House Party, Lorimer St

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they’re all called Renae.

–Central Park

Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn’t one of them.

–90th & 1st

Overheard by: Sam

Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.

–Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown

Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.

–B1 Bus

Overheard by: Robert

Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.

–42nd St

Posted on July 2, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Depressed, Food, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Grocery Stores, Hair, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Queer guys, Store, Suits, Upper East Side, Women

But Still Well Above the National Average

Male cashier: “WI”? Which state is “WI”?
Female cashier: West Indies?
Male cashier: Okay. That makes sense.
Female cashier: No, wait, is it Wisconsin? Ha, it’s totally Wisconsin.
Male cashier: Who cares, they’re both really far away. Isn’t Wisconsin on, like, the other side of the world?
Female cashier: No, dummy, Wisconsin is in this country.
Male cashier: Oh. I was never good at geography.

–Met Foods, Prospect Heights

Posted on June 20, 2008
Brooklyn, Cashiers, Coworkers, Default, Education, Global Geography, Grocery Stores, Men, Questions, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Women, Words

The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right

Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that… You are gettin’ too comfortable in this store.

–Grocery Store

Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!

–Soho

Overheard by: Lara

Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?

–Starbucks, Manhattan Mall

Young female customer service rep to another: I’m not sayin’…, I’m just sayin’…, you know what I’m sayin’.

–Macy’s Customer Service

Overheard by: Richard Downey

Daffy’s employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don’t even know why I’m askin’ you. You a customer. I don’t even care.

–Daffy’s, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn

Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson

Posted on June 18, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Coworkers, Depressed, Etiquette, Grocery Stores, Happiness, Offers and requests, Questions, Soho, Starbucks, Store, Weirdness, Women, Words

Please, Wednesday One-Liners, May I Have Another?

Teenage boy to father: You know, everyone knows you’re a furry now.

–Food Emporium, 86th St

Curly-haired chick on cell: It’s like you’re a health nut but with S&M tendencies.

–Ouidad

Overheard by: Pookins

Woman on cell: I’m constantly carrying around like four outfits, paperwork, leftover food, and collars.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McF

Man on cell: Look, if you want to have sex with animals just get drunk and do it!

–Burrito Shop

Overheard by: Marc

Suit: …So if I raise the bed, then I can put the S&M toys under it.

–Bed, Bath, and Beyond

Overheard by: Katie

20-something college girl: Dude! I don’t know how I ended up on my knees calling him "Sir" okay!?… It just happened…

–St. Marks b/w 1st & A

Overheard by: i wish i was

Hot nerd on cell: I mean seriously, what’s the point of having friends if you can’t occasionally accuse them of sexual deviance?

–40th & 3rd

Posted on June 4, 2008
Advice, Animals & Nature, Boys, Clothing, Default, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Etiquette, Friendship, Girls, Grocery Stores, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Penn Station, Questions, S&M, Sorority Girls, Store, Suits, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

Grocery Stores