Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports

20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he's not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he's not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.

–NYC

Girl to guy friends: I mean, he's okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Angry woman on phone: While you're out having orgies I am doing the real work!

–Victorian Flatbush

Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that?

–NYU

Posted on January 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Dreams, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, God, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kink, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgy, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Race, Satan, Sex, Sexuality, Street, Teachers/Professors, Three is Company, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Why Secretaries Exist

Guy #1, after telling something to friend: You should write that down.
Guy #2: On my arm?!
Guy #1: No, not on your arm, in a note.
Guy #2: I'm not gonna remember to check my note!
Guy #1: Then write on your arm, “check your note”!

–Q60 Bus

Posted on January 9, 2020
Advice, Body Parts, Bus, Guys, On the Bus, Weirdness

With the Additional Smartass Fee, Maybe They'll Spring for Bread

Driver: You couldn't just give me a warning, huh? This ticket make your quota for you?
Female cop: Why, yes, yes it does! Now I get a free toaster from the city paid with your fine there!

–Parsons & 79th, Queens

Overheard by: Fly on the Wall

Posted on January 5, 2020
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Queens, Questions, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Posted on December 17, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Central Park, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jews, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Paranoia, Poop, Questions, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!

–Madison Square Garden Bathroom

Posted on December 2, 2019
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Babies, Balls, Cars and Driving, Drunks, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Hand-Jobs, Health and Hygiene, Laughter, Madison Square Garden, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Poop, Preppies, Public Transportation, Questions, Stall Spies, Street, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Full Frontal Wednesday One-Liners

Dude to another: Yeah, but she got a yeast infection from sitting around naked on muffins all day.

–Union Square

Overheard by: chris

Artsy guy on cell: No, no, she’s not naked… But you want to see her naked!

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Flight attendant: Your pilot for the flight today is Buck Naked. Your first officer is Justin Case. That’s just in case Buck Naked decides to get buck wild.

–LaGuardia

Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer… And have naked snowball fights.

–41st & 7th

Posted on November 27, 2019
Artists, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Flight Attendants, Guys, Happiness, LaGuardia Airport, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, Nudity, On Cell, Sex, STDs, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

John the Apostle Only Alludes to It Cryptically

Guy: There’s a Bennigan’s here now?
Girl: Sure, New York’s getting everything: Bennigan’s, Outback, Applebee’s, Chevy’s.
Guy: Who knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse were chain restaurants?

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Amanda

Posted on November 16, 2019
Girls, Guys, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, People, Places, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes

I Speak Mostly in Clichés and Advertising Slogans

Tattoo guy on platform: Where are all the f trains?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: What?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: You better start fuckin making sense, asshole.
Conductor: Sorry, I don't come from that way.

–E Train

Posted on November 8, 2019
Birds, Conductors, Directions, Guys, Insects, Insults, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions

Did You Expect to Gain More Sympathy by Using “Summer” As a Verb?

Crying hipster girl: I lost $300 on that fucking team!
Hipster guy: Wait, why are you a Patriots fan? You’re from, like, California.
Crying hipster girl: Yeah, but I summer in Vermont!

–Pop Burger, 58th & 5th

Posted on November 2, 2019
Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Restaurants & Cafes, Sports, Travel, U.S. Geography

Wednesday One-Liners May Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth

Bland middle-aged woman: It's not like you're giving head in the Port Authority bathroom!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: j

English tourist: You'll go home and people will ask: "So what did you do on holiday?" You'll reply: "Oh, I gave the Empire State Building a blowjob!"

–34th St

Guy on cell: Ugh, fuck me in the ass. No… no, not you. Meanie. Why don't you just suck my dick. Suck my dick!

–34th Street

Dude on cell: It was like getting a blowjob from the inside.

–8th Ave & 53rd St

Guy on cell: Is that the guy that's been sucking your dick?

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Kelley

Young guy on cell: And then I said: "I could really use a blowjob right now." She was offended!

–48th & Park

Young black man to friend: Just because she sucks my dick doesn't make her Oprah Winfrey.

–B48 Bus

Posted on October 28, 2019
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, BJs, Black People, Brits, Etiquette, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Leisure, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Women

Guys