Sex

Please Don't Feed the Wednesday One-Liners

Elderly woman to Bulldog: If you were human, you would be a male model.

–44th & 3rd

Female on phone, trying to be discrete: I could take a million pictures without makeup and I could make it on the cover of Vogue. I am telling you I just want a model agent to come up to me and say "you are gorgeous, I want you to model." I know I have what it takes!

–Outside Bobst Library

Overheard by: V Liebs

Scrawny short dude: You know, I like the model-type chicks.

–Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Battery Park city mom, about son: He's not even four and he can earn as much from one commercial as he can from a year of modeling.

–World Trade Centre Plaza

Girl walking around with a camera: People get so awkward when you're carrying around a camera. Come on people! Give me something I can use here! You are all models!

–44th & Lexington

Overheard by: apparently a model

Drawing professor: I'm not allowed to sleep with the models.

–Pratt Institute

And I Remembered That Story About the Milk and the Cow

Female undergrad #1: How was your first date with that new guy?
Female undergrad #2: Really great! I must really like him, because I didn't sleep with him.

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

And He Was Like, “Not Without a Drink, I Can't”

Hippie dude: So then what happened?
Hippie girl: He asked if he could buy her a drink, and she said, “nah, but you can fuck me!”

–St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

You Lose Half a Grade for Ruining My Joke

Male student: (question is inaudible)
Old male professor: You want to have sex with me?
Male student: No, what's number six?
Old male professor: Oh,I was about to say I'm happily married.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: LMAO

It's Also the Stand-Up Comedy Golden Rule

Twink: Okay, new rule, new rule! “If you can't fuck me standing up, you can't fuck me”.
Friend: Yeah.
Twink: Actually, that is a really good rule.

–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar, West Village

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Meet the Wednesday One-Liners Who Wrecked the Economy

Suit on cell: I mean, imagine our mothers in Playboy…

–Borders, Penn Station

Overheard by: I'd Rather Not

50-something suit to others: Ya, we sold ten bags of herb and made $100.

–Wall St & William St

Overheard by: Mike D

Suit on cell: Hey, mom! Ma! 7 cents! You owe me 7 cents!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: Katie

30-something suit to hot female: I can't reassure you about your body while we're in bed, because that would imply that there's something going on between us.

–W Broadway & Houston

Man in suit: Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.

–Broadway & Murray St

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder!

Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.

–New Williamsburg Cafe

Overheard by: Nick Ace

Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Southern Carnivore

White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!

–LaSalle & Broadway

Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?

–Denny's

Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Go Rangers!

“Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?”

Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a…a cigarette filter into a knife!

–Uptown B Train

Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening…

Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!

–Broadway & 32nd St

Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.

–94th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Dan Rosen

Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!

–Fulton Street Mall

Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"

–4/5 Train

Overheard by: Whitey

Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.

–NYU

Overheard by: brooklyn1234

Hey, Can I Help That I'm a Planner?

12-year-old boy: Hey guys! We are gonna take a day this summer and just do stuff! Like have sex and stuff!
9-year-old boy: That's all you ever talk about!

–Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ahahahahahahahaha

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