Wednesday One-Liners Are Not in Kansas Anymore

Tourist mom to daughter: This is a train station.

–Lobby of the MetLife building

Tourist on cell: I just humped Timmy in Times Square!

–Times Square

Tourist girl to no one, pointing out window: Oh my god, they actually have carts in New York that sell pretzels?! It’s actually true?!

–Boston-bound Greyhound

Tourist girl to boyfriend: Wow, New York is just like Ohio!

–Fast food corridor, Penn Station

Overheard by: Bean

Tourist to guide: Is it illegal to pick your nose in America?

–79th & 5th

Tourist kid: So, this has nothing to do with batteries?

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Good thing I have an iPhone

Posted on July 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners and the People Who Love Them

Marketing girl: Would you like to try a new perfume? It's for you and your pet!

–Bryant Park, Outside Fashion Week Tents

Overheard by: jycho

Girl: I told my mom that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail with a link to petfinder.com.

–Student Center, Barnard

Overheard by: Kristine

Man trying to sell comedy club tickets: Cheaper than an abortion! More entertaining than the crucifixion! More fun than euthanizing your pets!

–50th Ave & Broadway

Overheard by: Colleen

Queer on cell: Well, women are just pets for straight men.

–E 10th St

Woman on cell: So are you going to tell your daughter that you ate her pet?

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Jesse S G

Posted on July 18, 2015
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Wednesday One-liners Think They’re All That

Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pittsburgh. She’s second rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.

–Astor Place

Guy on cell: No, no. We only look down on people we’re helping.

–Broadway & Fulton

Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very important person!

–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills

Posted on July 18, 2015
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Wednesday One-Liners Watch Cribs

Creepster: I’ve always thought babies make the best pets.

–Bronx Zoo

Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Manhattman

Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y’know, not that I’d ever put a baby… in a bag… Sheesh.

–Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave

Lady on cell: I know it’s reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it’s sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you’re driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows?

–Union Square

Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again.

–59th & 5th

Posted on July 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Cars and Driving, Food, Race, Vegetarian & Vegan, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.

–Supreme Court Building

Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.

–Coffee Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!

–F Train

Overheard by: Staying on the F

Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.

–School, Lower Manhattan

Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?

–Columbus Circle

Posted on July 17, 2015
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Wednesday How Many Liners?

Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany?

–Barracuda

Overheard by: barkeeper

Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here

Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday?

–N Train

Overheard by: D-Law

Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people?

–ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: jennyooooo

Student: Is Swedish even a language?

–Columbia University

Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both?

–M86 Crosstown Bus

Posted on July 17, 2015
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Wednesday Will Go Nazarene on Your One-Liners

Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass.

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Emily B.

40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there?

–Starbucks

Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior.

–Queens College

Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along.

–22nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Rachel Peters

Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible–Jesus is coming back tomorrow!

–B44 Bus

Overheard by: Micah

Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Smudge

Posted on July 16, 2015
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The Wednesday Bone's Connected to the One-Liner Bone…

Man with beard to friend: You should stick with her. I mean, she's giving you her kidney!

–77th & Columbus

Teen hipster, commenting on girl's nose: It's not too nosy, but you know it's a nose.

–Starbucks, 71st & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddie

Girl: She just really needs that second body, you know?

–W 16th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Guy yelling to friend: So I said "My rectum? My rectum!?"

–Broadway & John St

Guy on phone: No, bitch, you rub my belly!

–Houston St

Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Folks, I apologize for the delay, the conductor had to make a pit stop…when you get old, your kidneys start to fail.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Kristin

Posted on July 16, 2015
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Magnum Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: This sounds weird, but I’ve got enough condoms to fill up a piñata.

–Bike shop

Overheard by: Ken

Chick on cell: She had a condom stuck in her for four days!

–92nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Erin

20-ish male: Okay, who put a condom in my iced latte?

–Ozzie’s Coffee House, Park Slope

Old guy on cell: No, honey, it’s unsanitary to buy condoms on eBay.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Sam

Fat lady tourist to friend: Hey, I should’ve brang those condoms with us to get rid of them.

–4 train

Posted on July 15, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Condoms, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Posted on July 15, 2015
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