Old Man: “Esmerelda”? That sounds like a witch's name.
Old Man #2: My ex-wife's name was Esmerelda…talk about a witch!
–Sweet Life Cafe, Christopher Street
Old Man: “Esmerelda”? That sounds like a witch's name.
Old Man #2: My ex-wife's name was Esmerelda…talk about a witch!
–Sweet Life Cafe, Christopher Street
Homeless guy hugging another: I love you, old school! You got a cigarette?
–14th St & 8th Ave
Drunk, fighting with another and punching phone booth: I will fuck you up, man! I love you, man!
–E 11th St & 9th Ave
Sloppy drunk dial outside gay club: I love you so fuckin much, mom…like…*more* than Anna Nicole!
–Valda, Gay Bar, NYC
Female NYU student: You don't love Joe Biden as much as I do. Dude, Joe Biden is awesome! He should be gay!
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Blair
Guy leaning against light post, to girlfriend: Listen, I love you…but you're so fucking mean.
–47th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: J&J
Gay guy to friend: The men in my family die young while the women live much longer. I don't know where that leaves me.
–W 4th St & Bank St
Daughter to mother: There are only boys and girls, right?
–M60 Bus
Math geek to another: I think society benefits more from cross-dressing than murder.
–Outside Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: shaun
Woman to man: You did know she had a penis, right?
–Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica
Guy, to another standing up: Sit down, sugar tits, this ain't our stop!
–G Train
Overheard by: Matthew & Aaron
Guy to another: Hey, how're the bumps on your cervix doing?
–Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: office peon
Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.
–Tartine, West Village
Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?
–Canal St
Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.
–33rd St &3rd Ave
Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sam Fez
Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!
–6 Train
Overheard by: fresca
Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.
–Broadway
Girl with crazy hair: It would be freaking magnificent if your cats stopped chowing down my precious toilet paper every morning.
Huge bald man: What are you, drunk? I paid for it.
Girl with crazy hair: Not important. Had to use the emergency roll and it was like rubbing porcupines on my twat.
Huge bald man: Sandpaper, maybe. Porcupines, not so much.
–Washington St & Charles St
Man on cell: Listen, you are just not going to meet a young woman who doesn't have a MySpace page, isn't religious, and doesn't want children.
–46th St & 5th St
30-something to friend: Why is it people from the Midwest always ask if you've tried speed dating? It is like the first thing they think of when they hear about a single woman in New York–she must not have tried speed dating yet.
–1st St & 2nd Ave
Girl on cell: I mean, he basically acts like we're living together. But I don't know, like, I almost called him last night and asked, "are we even dating?"
–65th St & 1st Ave
Hispanic lady: I don't need no man, I don't need no man. I got everything I need in my purse.
–Cafe, West Village
Woman to two male companions: I've fornicated lots of times, and I've never been arrested!
–A Train, Grand Central
Guy handing out tickets: Comedy club tickets, tickets tickets, get drunk and possibly arrested!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Chadwick
50-something on cell: I was watching America's Most Wanted last night to see if I could see…our boy!
–DeKalb & Cumberland, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lea
Grungy guy, carrying a slice and a bottled drink: I don't believe in putting off till tomorrow what I can do today…because tomorrow I might be back in jail.
–Sheridan Square
Overheard by: Suze Volchok
Guy on cell: It's always comforting when I imagine people I don't like being anally raped in prison.
–Prince & Sullivan
Bus driver: The next stop is QCC. Queens Correctional Cen…I mean, Queens Community College.
–Q27 Bus
Overheard by: hey! i go there …
(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these?
–Starbucks, 6th & Christopher
Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.
–Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag–you know, kind of like a penis pops out!
–Dunkin Donuts
Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!
–Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?
Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!
–Downtown N Train
Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."
–W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Alan
Guy #1: Yeah, she's hot and a violent kisser, but her twin sister is so needy.
Guy #2: Needy how?
Guy #1: She's all like, “But we share everything!”
Guy #2: Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
–W 10th & Hudson
