Middle-aged guidette: He’s gay, he’s gay, he’s gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn’t gay. Loving Jesus doesn’t make you gay.
–Port Authority
Middle-aged guidette: He’s gay, he’s gay, he’s gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn’t gay. Loving Jesus doesn’t make you gay.
–Port Authority
Young woman #1: Oh, so that guy I slept with the other week? He’s my friend on Facebook now. Did you see him?
Young woman #2: Is he the bald guy?
Young woman #1: No, he has dark hair. His profile picture is him kissing his wife at their wedding.
Young woman #2: He’s married?
Young woman #1: Yeah, I guess so.
–Starbucks, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: My husband is not on Facebook.
Woman: I’d like a latte with percent milk.
Barista: Percent? You mean “two percent”?
Woman: No, just regular percent milk.
Barista: (…)
Woman, condescendingly: There’s whole milk, and there’s skim milk, and then in-between, there’s percent milk. Got it?
Barista: You’re gettin two percent. I hope that works for you.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Carol
Tourist lady #1: Look Sherry, there’s the tree.
Tourist lady #2: Wow, great! I’m soooo excited. (sees it) That’s it? Looks bigger on TV!
Tourist lady #1: Everything looks bigger on TV. Oprah isn’t really that fat.
Passerby: This ain’t Rockefeller Center ladies, go back to Kansas.
–Bryant Park Tree, 6th Ave & 41st
Overheard by: tonyElev
Male suit: Ugh! What is that smell?
Female suit: It’s from the nut guy.
Male suit: Who?
Female suit: The nut guy. He’s over there selling warm, roasted nuts. He’s nuts for nuts!
Male suit: Oh. Man, it’s freezing out here! I wish someone would roast my nuts!
Female suit: Don’t be gross! There’s kids around!
Male suit: Yeah, what’s up with all these kids? What is up with 5th avenue?
Female suit: I think it’s a school trip. They’re here to see the tree.
Male suit: That’s fucking dumb! Their asses need to be in school!
Female suit: Wow, you’re unpleasant!
Male suit: Screw you! You’re nuts for my nuts!
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Juan Chung
Old, grumpy man: Where is the express line?
Woman: Right here.
[Old, grumpy man attempts to cut the line.]Woman: I don’t know if you can see it, but the back of the line is all the way over there!
Old, grumpy man: But I’m a Christian!
–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: David Sanchez
Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch!
–Union Square Dog Park
Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me?
–W 225th St
Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park.
–75th & Madison
Overheard by: tb
Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation.
–W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward!
–19th St
Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead
Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work.
–29th b/w 7th & 8th
Suit: Do you know what it’s like when you’re reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking?
–Astor Place & Lafayette
Overheard by: that’s a problem?
Woman to dinner companion: I think I’d like to get into flagellation porn. I’m not really sure how to go about it though.
–Ludlow & Broome
Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it’s straight porn!
–Bleecker & W 10th
Overheard by: Deontology
Guy: I wouldn’t fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable!
–5 Train
Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us… those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn… Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we’d flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages.
–Religion Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: liza
Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!
–34th & Broadway
Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.
Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.
–Midwood, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Feliz Navidad
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.
–Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyla
Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.
–NYU Bobst Library
Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister!
–70 & Broadway
Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends."
–St. John’s University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times…
–Yankee Stadium
Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".
–24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Amy
